Right, I'm having a bit of a hard time right now and instead of continuing to struggle through alone, surrounded by 'clear-skinned-"it's not that bad" people', I thought I'd give this a go. It might be a little whiny and probably super self pitying but I haven't had the chance to tell anyone how I'm really feeling for a few months now so consider this truthful word-vomit.
So about two years ago, I went on Accutane. Before those little miracle pills, I had red cysts all down my cheekbones and along my jaw line and I was reaching a point where I used my long hair to cover my face and kept a scarf wrapped around my neck through all my a-level lessons (I reckon the teachers thought I had some kind of fetish). I skipped weeks of school causing my mum to stress out and I cried every morning when trying and failing to cover the red lumps of evil.
I was in a bad way.
I went to the dermatologist after 6 weeks of waiting for the appointment only to be told I had to go back to the doctor for a blood test and then return in another 6 weeks for my first prescription, needless to say I wasn't happy about that.
Other people don't understand. They say "don't worry" "have you tried clearasil" "no one notices" and "it's what on the inside that counts" whilst staring at their feet and wishing you would stop moaning. My Mum understood, to a certain extent, she knew her daughter wasn't exaggerating, that she didn't want to skip parties and ignore friends.
I've got a twin sister whose beautiful, inside and out. Clear skin and legs that go on for miles...it's hard being compared to that...it's impossible. We're not identical so I suppose it could be harder, at least it's not just my acne that sets us apart. She complains occasionally about dry skin on her nose, and as much as I try and understand that even though it's nothing compared to my skin problems it's still affecting her, I can't help but wish for her to realise that if one day I only had dry skin on my nose I'd jump for joy.
Two years ago, my acne cleared up. My confidence soared. I still wore make-up on a daily basis because of the scars but I didn't have to worry about new spots popping up at sleepovers or keeping my hair down to try and cover the lumps. In the winter I could take a snowball to the face and not worry about spots being revealed and in the summer I went to Greece with my friends and my acne free back and chest were revealed in a bikini. A few spots came back around Christmas time that second year but it was nowhere near as bad as before. Those 2 years were freaking awesome.
This September I started studying English Literature at the University of Reading in England. I had one or two pimples when I joined and I made a ton of friends who I know will be friends for life. I met a boy...who I really like. He lives next door and at first we were just friends but before Christmas break I realised I wanted more. It scared the crap out of me. I've never had a boyfriend, never gotten 'down and dirty' if you know what I mean so the idea of getting close to someone who has already been in one long term relationship and 'knows what he's doing', is pretty intimidating, especially when my confidence is still somewhat recovering.
Then the bastard came back...acne. Granted it's not as bad as it was, but it's obvious, and red, and bumpy, and no one else in my friendship circle has it.
And now we're back to the present day. One week after we got back he told me he really likes me and that he has since he met me, that he understands I've never been in a relationship before so we can just see how it goes, take it slow. He's sweet and protective and for two weeks he's stayed close but in those 2 weeks my skins exploded.
I'm now sat in my room with benzoyl peroxide smeared on my cheekbones whilst he's out clubbing on a rugby club social. I know he's not the type of guy to go running at the sight of these crapbumps, he lives in the flat next to me and we're best friends but I also know that he tutors other girls who he won't have to wait for, who will let him see them without make-up, that'll stay the night and not worry about yellow lumps emerging.
I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to sit in my room and tear up at my poor red face. I want to go out and have fun, to be with the person who makes me really happy. But I just can't muster the courage.
I'd really appreciate some advice or encouragement from people who understand what I'm going through.
I've attached a photo below so that maybe you can get an idea of what treatments could work for me.
Thank you so much if you've made it to the end of this insanely long semi-diary entry.