Hi, I been navigating these forums in the past but never really had the urge to post anything, but lately it feels like I've been stuck in a rut. I been dealing with acne for the past 7 years, and recently scars have surfaced on my face. I've got these shallow boxscars, icepicks, and rolling scars, and on top of that, I still break out every once in a while with a huge cyst that feels like it takes up half my face.
I'm 20 year old male whos not particularly tall or buff-looking. Average height and average build. Just plain average. People used to say that I was good-looking, but since the scars, no more of that. I mean it's helped me to grow, I was a little shallow in the past, but now I understand what people who had these scars felt like. It's one thing to walk around with acne, then to walk around with scars too. I used to see people with scars and be glad that I wasn't them. But now I do have scars, and I understand how painful it can be.
This past year is when I started getting the scars, and it's wrecked me emotionally. Nothing feels real anymore and I take everything lightly. Some people think I'm a jerk now because Im sarcastic, and others think im funnier this way. But it's all just a front I put up to hide the darker part of my soul. I'm really not happy with myself and it's been keeping me from being who I used to be, someone who was smart and above average looking and charismatic. Scars and acne just sucked it all out of me.
And even worse, it's messing with my confidence with girls. I met this girl who was downright beautiful. She is everything that I want in a girl. She's got a good sense of humor, she's sweet, and just way out of my league. We talk on the phone and text and all that stuff, but I feel like she gets the better part of me only because its over the phone, long distance. When we see each other in person though, I shut down. I think she can sense it sometimes and I know it's that lack of confidence is what put girls off, but I can't seem to muster it up in person. I wish I was better for her, but I think I have deeper issues I need to resolve before I ruin my chances. She does seem to have friends that are cool, but I think they think she can do better than me. I think she probably knows that too. And that's what's been killing me. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to use her as some sort of emotional crutch to make me feel better, but at the same time, she's the girl I want and she does make me feel better whenever im with her or talking to her, or even talking about her with my friends (only when they ask of course).
Sorry for the length of the post. My mind is full of negative thoughts and it feels like my positive and optimistic thoughts are constantly overshadowed by them. I just feel it's better to get it out of me.