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When Your Partner Gets Spots


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#1 Spotthedifference

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 06:16 AM

So, something recently got me thinking.

My boyfriend and I were off to a party together. Whilst we were sat in the back of the taxi he had a nervous look on his face, which I attributed to him seeing my family and friends for the first time since we got back together. Still, I asked him what was wrong and he said "I feel horrible. I've got spots everywhere and I want to look my best for you. You won't want to be seen with me like this"

I was shocked beyond words. I had acne the entire time we were going out the first time around, and nowadays I have hyper pigmentation all over my cheeks and I'm only controlling it with medicine. My partner's been having a rough time of life lately and what he gets is more of a tiny rash rather than acne... to be honest, I hadn't even noticed it. When I pointed out that somebody with acne marks all over her face was hardly going to be unsympathetic he looked surprised and said "Do you? I've never noticed them".

*Sigh*.

Now, I should explain that my boyfriend is actually lovely and usually rather sensitive (our break up was mostly due to external factors). He was genuinly upset when he realized he'd hurt my feelings, and insisted he'd hardly ever noticed never mind cared about my acne. I suppose it just goes to show how much more aware we are of ourselves rather than of other people.

So, do you lot have any experiences of partners talking about their spots? How does it make you feel?

#2 WilliamRickard

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 06:50 AM

To be honest, you just have to be open about it. If you keep it bottled up; the worse you will feel about it. Just chat about it as if it's not a big deal and therefor it won't feel like a big deal when it next comes up in a conversation.

#3 Spotthedifference

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 07:01 AM

Sound advice. Posted Image

We're already at that stage where we can talk about things now, and we've been through enough together that acne and scars are pretty low down on the list. I just found it an intriguing thing to discuss here - the whole theory of the people who have to hear you talking about your skin care regimen or crying in frustration suddenly experiencing the same problem themselves (even if to a lesser degree). I found it interesting that whilst he didn't care when I had acne he found a few spots on himself distressing. It seems to imply that people are more judgemental of their own appearance than their partners - which, thinking about it, is definitley true of me at least.

Edited by Spotthedifference, 05 January 2013 - 07:01 AM.


#4 hitea

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Posted 14 February 2013 - 10:53 AM

Hey, I just wanted to throw in my two cents, as I think this is an interesting topic to bring up.

 

For a long time, I thought of my boyfriend as someone with really amazing skin. I was amazed when watching him wash his face--so carefree...and if he had a zit, he'd quickly scratch it away or just not even think about it.

 

However, last week he said to me: "I know you've been looking at acne.org, and I was wondering...do you think it could help me? I saw "the regimen" and I want to start it. I'm nervous people don't take me seriously as an adult because of my acne."

 

This actually kind of hurt my feelings. This is because I felt like he was saying that he didn't take ME seriously because of MY acne. But after I got over that highly selfish thought, I began to feel sad for him that he would ever feel the anxiety that I get with spots on my face. I never want him to feel like I do about my skin. I decided to help him clear up his skin (which was already clear if you asked me...).

 

Our boyfriends probably have similar-type skin, where they just get a few here and there. Or a "rash" of razor burn. After my boyfriend's comment, I wondered if even just a few breakouts would be just as devastating on someone who isn't used to them as a FULL breakout is for me.

 

I think the fact that we can physically feel the spots on our face, while others can just see them, makes us worry about our own skin more than we even notice the skin problems of others. But it is kind of comforting knowing that my boyfriend understands the frustration that I often cry about to him.



#5 RJT623

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Posted 14 February 2013 - 11:17 AM

Great topic, have to chime in :) I'm 32 years old and I'm married to the man I started dating when I was 19. At that time, my acne was manageable, but I wore full makeup all the time. If he slept over, the makeup stayed on and I'd make sure I was up first thing in the morning to reapply. I figured he noticed that I wore tons of makeup to cover my horrible skin. I was using Proactiv at the time and I even hid the bottles under the bathroom sink behind the towels instead of in the medicine cabinet, because I didn't want him to know that I used it. A couple months down the road I had a meltdown. I felt like I was misleading him and that he deserved to know that I had acne and that I was still struggling with it, and that I was hiding it from him. I was scared to death. I prepared a speech in my mind, including the line, "I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore...either because of the acne or because I've kept it a secret". I told him this in the dark, lying in bed beside him. I cried and cried and he held me the whole time. I remember him saying that he never noticed that I wore a lot of makeup (yay for getting the "natural look" down!), that he didn't realize I wasn't taking it off at night, etc. He said it couldn't be as bad as I thought, that I was probably a much bigger critic about it than anyone else. He encouraged me to go wash my face off before we went to sleep that night...he joked that even he knew it wasn't good for a girl to sleep with makeup on, lol. So I did, and I snuck back into bed with the lights off. I tossed and turned all night, wondered if I should get up early and put the makeup on before he saw me. But I knew I couldn't. So the morning came and we went about things the way we always did. He just kissed my forehead and said he loved me and that I was beautiful, and that he was sorry that I was so worried about my skin and letting him see me. I never felt so free and liberated! That was 13 years ago. I never once hid my true self from him again. He has seen me at my high points, when my skin is clear and I feel confident. He's seen me at my worst, which happens to be right now, my chin is in the midst of a horrible breakout. But he always makes me feel beautiful and offers encouragement. With all that being said, my husband normally has great skin. Occassionally he'll get a small pimple, and it's usually related to diet...he knows that over-indulging in fried foods will trigger a breakout for him. He never brings it up, never seems concerned, and they usually disappear quickly. He uses a couple OTC products when this happens. However, the other day I noticed that he had a fairly large pimple on his forehead, it was really portruding and looked inflamed and painful. Being the acne veteran that I am, I felt bad. But I didn't say anything. I know what it feels like to have someone comment on your skin. But later that night, he said that he had never had one like that and that it actually hurt, and that he finally understood how I felt...when I would tell him that acne was more than just skin deep and that sometimes my face hurt...he never really understood. He was always sweet and supportive, but he had never felt what I was going through. So we talked about it, and then he asked if I had any secret weapons for something like that. So I helped my honey out and we bonded :) I truly think that others don't see ourselves the way we do...when we think we look like an acne-ridden freak, most people probably hardly notice. And when the shoe is on the other foot...that's when they know how deeply acne affects us...definitely more than skin deep.

#6 hitea

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Posted 15 February 2013 - 09:50 AM

So, something recently got me thinking.

My boyfriend and I were off to a party together. Whilst we were sat in the back of the taxi he had a nervous look on his face, which I attributed to him seeing my family and friends for the first time since we got back together. Still, I asked him what was wrong and he said "I feel horrible. I've got spots everywhere and I want to look my best for you. You won't want to be seen with me like this"

I was shocked beyond words. I had acne the entire time we were going out the first time around, and nowadays I have hyper pigmentation all over my cheeks and I'm only controlling it with medicine. My partner's been having a rough time of life lately and what he gets is more of a tiny rash rather than acne... to be honest, I hadn't even noticed it. When I pointed out that somebody with acne marks all over her face was hardly going to be unsympathetic he looked surprised and said "Do you? I've never noticed them".

*Sigh*.

Now, I should explain that my boyfriend is actually lovely and usually rather sensitive (our break up was mostly due to external factors). He was genuinly upset when he realized he'd hurt my feelings, and insisted he'd hardly ever noticed never mind cared about my acne. I suppose it just goes to show how much more aware we are of ourselves rather than of other people.

So, do you lot have any experiences of partners talking about their spots? How does it make you feel?

I was wondering, why did the fact that he said "Do you? I've never noticed them." hurt your feelings? Was he being sarcastic because of his bad mood or was he being serious? If he was being serious, it would seem like your feelings wouldn't be hurt because that would mean he thought you had good skin. I'm just curious :)



#7 xpaperbackwriterx

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 08:53 PM

This is horrible and selfish but I kind of feel better when my boyfriend breaks out. It makes me feel less ugly in comparison.



#8 sh1234

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Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:12 PM

My bf has the skin of an angel usually..but i remember one time he got a zit on his chin and he was totally stressing over it and he said something like.. Oh i dont blame you if you dont want to kiss me i look so bad!! or something like that and im just like..really because i look like that all the time so.....????????