Scars On My Back Stopping Me Living My Lifeback scarring scars back fraxel dermabrasion depression suicide
Posted 02 January 2013 - 02:11 AM
I'm just turned 42 (sounds very old but it isn't really). I used to be a fun, friendly person till my early 20's when out of the blue I had very bad acne. I still get a few pimples here and there but nothing to out of control.
It wasn't just that it was on my face which although I would prefer not to have the scarring there and it isn't actually so bad but my back is the real killer.
I feel ashamed, embarrassed and less than human because of my back scarring.
I have stopped going to the beach with friends, going out with friends, doing thing I enjoy with friends, well when I did have friends as have just avoided them for so long now that nobody rings me anymore.
My lust for life has just gone completely and I would actually be quite relieved for it all to be over...but as many times as I have contemplated suicide I just wouldn't do it.
I just had xmas with my family around the pool and got so frustrated that i couldn't go in in fear someone would see my back. I ended up leaving their house the next day when I was supposed to be staying for 2 more weeks.
I've had absolutely gorgeous girlfriends in the past and through my own disillusions, depression and anxiety I have pushed them away.
Over the years I have had 3 long term gf's who have all said so what about my scars but still I can't show anyone else or just come to terms that it is how it is and I shouldn't care what other people think....
Which is something I wish i didn't care about...what other people think....who cares what they think, right?
Unfortunately I seem to and don't know why...I seem to base my life around what others will think of me and it's just not right. I know it but can't seem to change it.
I would love for nothing better than to just go to the beach and not have to sit away from everyone else (always by myself) and if I'm sunning my back, not have to be in a constant state of anxiety of someone walking too close...I would try to quickly roll over so they won't see.
I know most people say who cares what others think but I still hear comments (not about me) from people about other peoples abnormalities or inflictions and it really does hurt.
Pretty much my first thought when i wake up is my scarring and I'm in a constant state of angst all day wishing this and wishing that, wishing I could go out like a normal person but I don't feel normal.
I look and scrutinise everybody I meet or see for the slightest imperfection from acne.
I have let this totally take over my life and pretty much ruin it and I don't know how to recover. I was all hyped up to show my brother and his partner at xmas but just couldn't do it through extreme anxiety...
Basically I feel like I'm going to be a restless soul till I die and it's not a particularily pleasant feeling.
In the past I have seen some people with acne scars on their back and shoulders and they were the beach with friends...I almost cried (in fact I have a lot) as I so wanted to be them or at least have their self confidence or lack of worry of what others think...
I feel like I'm a resonably good looking person, not that that matters in anything but my back makes me feel subhuman....
I have tried Fraxel and micro dermabrasion and possibly they worked to a degree but certainly will never make my skin smooth enough to feel like it's unnoticed....
I have freckles on my back also and not sure if they help or hinder....
I even tried some crazy thing where the doctor/surgeon pretty much burnt off my skin. See lighter coloured skin patch on photos.
I'm glad I only did a test patch as this was about 18 months ago and is still kind of like scar tissue.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this...maybe just to see if there are others out there who feel the same, others who suffer the same but just don't give a damn and live their lifes regardless...tell me how you do it please!!!!
Posted 02 January 2013 - 02:55 AM
Posted 02 January 2013 - 04:04 PM
Posted 02 January 2013 - 08:34 PM
Posted 02 January 2013 - 10:02 PM
You said past girlfriends have had a 'so what' sort of opinion about this, and I'd agree. I don't think it's as bad as you think it is. But I can understand you're anxiety over it. No matter how mild or severe someones acne/scarring is, it can still effect us all the same emotionally. I think we're all concerned with how others see us and what people think of us at times, but we shouldn't obsess over it.
There's no real reason why any of this - acne, scarring etc, should stop us from living the life we want. I like to remind myself things like 'Life is what you make it' and 'acne (or scarring) can't stop you from enjoying life if you don't let it.' I know these things are often a lot easier said than done, or come across as cliche, but I find it helps to change my thinking and put things in perspective. How much of your normal life are people actually going to see your back/scars? Maybe try putting things in perspective that way too. The scars you have can easily be hidden, opposed to people who have this sort of scarring on their face. Also, maybe setting goals or deciding on things you want to do in life would be of some help. It could act as some sort of incentive in a way. Even just deciding you want to hang out with friends more without caring about your scarring, - would you rather be out having a good time, or sit at home worrying over scars - which wont help anything anyway? And again, are they even going to see the scars? Besides, I don't think scars would bother most decent people anyway and really shouldn't change others' opinions of you.
Ok, I think I've ended up just rambling. Hope you can make some sense out of it.
If you haven't already checked it out, you might get more/better help about scars or the scarring section of these message boards and maybe talking this through with someone who can give professional advice would be helpful to you (again, if that's not something you've already done).
Hope you eventually find something that helps you out
Posted 05 January 2013 - 07:08 AM
Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:28 PM
Posted 06 January 2013 - 01:54 AM
Personally i love the beach and that's the real sticking point for me....I have seen people take second or third glances and that's the killer but I do realise I don't know them, they don't know me and so what....
And I've been working with people who see someone else with acne or scars on the face and say crap like "poxy c@#t" etc.....not many but a couple really stuck with me. They are obviously arseholes of human beings haha....
Spotthedifference and Wabbit...thanks...appreciate the honesty and kind words....