89 replies to this topic

[stickstickley]

The 'real world' isn't a hive mind. You can't lump the preferences of human beings into one cut and dry category (i.e. "If I look like X, I'll be attractive to everyone.")

I find it interesting that so many on this forum are hypercritical and quick to dismiss others for the very trait that we share in common (acne).

This isn't really about a hive mind. There's only two possible cases, either 1) it matters to an extent.... or 2) it's irrelevant.

My experience tells me that the majority of people are put off by it to an extent. Certainly not the same extent for everyone, but it is a completely undesireable trait. It's not an issue of preference like blue eyes vs brown eyes, etc.

[mameha]

This isn't really about a hive mind. There's only two possible cases, either 1) it matters to an extent.... or 2) it's irrelevant.

My experience tells me that the majority of people are put off by it to an extent. Certainly not the same extent for everyone, but it is a completely undesireable trait. It's not an issue of preference like blue eyes vs brown eyes, etc.

Here's a cliche that holds true - looks don't matter in relationships. A relationship that's based on superficial aspects is going to fall apart eventually.

Yes, there has to be an initial attraction but that's not entirely tied to physical traits. It's determined by complex chemistry between two people. Again, different people put different weight on these traits.

So in your personal experience, the majority of people you've encountered find acne off-putting. That still doesn't mean acne has to be the end-all, be-all determinant of whether a person's relationship material.

Here's my anecdotal evidence:

-I'm married to a man who used to have severe facial acne and has current acne scarring with active acne covering his back. If I carried out my dating life according to how some people in this forum believe it should go, I shouldn't have considered him a romantic prospect at all. And since I still break out when my stress levels are high, he shouldn't have considered me a prospect either.

And yet these facts didn't factor into the equation when I started dating him or how physically attracted I was to him. What matters to me in the long run is how he treats me. There are qualities that affect a relationship that far outweigh how clear a person's skin is.

Edited by mameha, 04 January 2013 - 04:26 AM.

[ls206816]

Yes, most women do care. You're recieving a biased response here since the people the post here will understand and be empathetic, but in the real world it does matter to people.

I don't think this is true. Most people have acne. If they don't I'm sure they have had a friend or family member with it and knows or sees their struggle with acne. There's an understanding among most people that at some time your going to have acne. Whether its a few pimples here or there or major breakouts. I get that acne might be a turn off at first sight. But if you talk to the person and like their personality, then there really shouldn't be a problem with it. People we see on tv and in magazines aren't real. They have tons of makeup and editing done to their faces and bodies. They seem perfect and flawless and for some reason all humans strive for perfection. We set ourselves up to an impossible standard, spending thousands each year on beauty products and treatments. But everyone needs to come to terms that were not perfect and were not suppose to be perfect. If someone doesn't like you for who you are then screw them. Most likely they have had acne too.

[stickstickley]

So in your personal experience, the majority of people you've encountered find acne off-putting. That still doesn't mean acne has to be the end-all, be-all determinant of whether a person's relationship material.

Here's my anecdotal evidence:

-I'm married to a man who used to have severe facial acne and has current acne scarring with active acne covering his back. If I carried out my dating life according to how some people in this forum believe it should go, I shouldn't have considered him a romantic prospect at all. And since I still break out when my stress levels are high, he shouldn't have considered me a prospect either.

But people that post here, like you, are the exception instead of the rule in regards to acne. And I've even seen so many people post here saying something like "If someone is good looking, then acne doesn't matter"; that implies that even people here have some of standard for looks but can empathize with acne just because they obviously dealt with it.

As for my anecdotal evidence, even my own mother was bothered by it. And she's otherwise one of the least judgemental people I know. Even when my skin wasn't really that bad, the first thing she would say to me when having not seen me in 3 months would be a comment on how bad my skin was. And my old roommate, who again seemed like a really nice guy in all other ways, would make rude comments about girls with bad skin.

And I know it's not the end all, be all... but I still don't want to be in relationship when I have something like this that I know people will dislike about me and have to look past it. It just bothers me too much knowing that the other person dislikes this about me and has to get used to it.

[Lapis lazuli]

And I know it's not the end all, be all... but I still don't want to be in relationship when I have something like this that I know people will dislike about me and have to look past it. It just bothers me too much knowing that the other person dislikes this about me and has to get used to it.

So say you've been married for five years and all of a sudden your partner gets acne...would that change anything for you?

By the way, Baseketball4 seems to have changed his mind about wanting to talk to us. I wonder what went through him when he started reading our responses.

[stickstickley]

And I know it's not the end all, be all... but I still don't want to be in relationship when I have something like this that I know people will dislike about me and have to look past it. It just bothers me too much knowing that the other person dislikes this about me and has to get used to it.

So say you've been married for five years and all of a sudden your partner gets acne...would that change anything for you?

By the way, Baseketball4 seems to have changed his mind about wanting to talk to us. I wonder what went through him when he started reading our responses.

No, but you're asking me, someone who is posting on these forums so you're not going to get a response that's indicative of the average person. But I don't see why it's so difficult to imagine this situation happening; people often do become less attracted or unnatracted to their partners later on in marriages for some reason or another. I'm sure in the case of acne it wouldn't be enough for a divorce, but it would still be off putting.

I didn't mean to make it sound like it's just or mostly women who are like this; it's both men and women.

[Lapis lazuli]

And I know it's not the end all, be all... but I still don't want to be in relationship when I have something like this that I know people will dislike about me and have to look past it. It just bothers me too much knowing that the other person dislikes this about me and has to get used to it.

So say you've been married for five years and all of a sudden your partner gets acne...would that change anything for you?

By the way, Baseketball4 seems to have changed his mind about wanting to talk to us. I wonder what went through him when he started reading our responses.

No, but you're asking me, someone who is posting on these forums so you're not going to get a response that's indicative of the average person. But I don't see why it's so difficult to imagine this situation happening; people often do become less attracted or unnatracted to their partners later on in marriages for some reason or another. I'm sure in the case of acne it wouldn't be enough for a divorce, but it would still be off putting.

I didn't mean to make it sound like it's just or mostly women who are like this; it's both men and women.

Well, I think you should let go of your fear/worry and just let things happen when it comes to relationships. I'm sure you'll end up with someone who, if you were to ask them if they were bothered by your acne, would honestly say that they weren't. Either that or they'd get offended and tell you that you shouldn't have felt the need to ask that question to them.

I'm not going to deny the fact that physical appearance is a factor in the whole thing (don't get me wrong; I don't objectify) but there's also something called foolishness where people say that just because someone isn't "perfect" they have smaller chances of "finding someone". It's just foolish to me, with all due respect.

[stickstickley]

I'm not going to deny the fact that physical appearance is a factor in the whole thing (don't get me wrong; I don't objectify) but there's also something called foolishness where people say that just because someone isn't "perfect" they have smaller chances of "finding someone". It's just foolish to me, with all due respect.

But they do have a smaller chance. At least me for me, I know my scarring is bad enough to where it's an instant deal breaker to a lot of people. So I don't see how have the same chance as others if there are less total people that would give me a chance. I don't consider myself delusional either. I have teaching job and it doesn't affect me there; I know that really the only thing students your care about is that you're fair, competent, etc. so it doesn't really bother me to get up in front of a room full of a people and talk for an hour. But when it comes to relationships I have to be realistic; it makes me unappealing and undesireable compared to the other guys with decent skin.

[nakedsmurf]

It also depends on your facial features too.

[Lapis lazuli]

I'm not going to deny the fact that physical appearance is a factor in the whole thing (don't get me wrong; I don't objectify) but there's also something called foolishness where people say that just because someone isn't "perfect" they have smaller chances of "finding someone". It's just foolish to me, with all due respect.

But they do have a smaller chance. At least me for me, I know my scarring is bad enough to where it's an instant deal breaker to a lot of people. So I don't see how have the same chance as others if there are less total people that would give me a chance. I don't consider myself delusional either. I have teaching job and it doesn't affect me there; I know that really the only thing students your care about is that you're fair, competent, etc. so it doesn't really bother me to get up in front of a room full of a people and talk for an hour. But when it comes to relationships I have to be realistic; it makes me unappealing and undesireable compared to the other guys with decent skin.

So your acne is disfiguring? That's what you're saying? If not and it's "just acne" which detracts from your appearance to a degree...then it's just a matter of your standards as well as those of the girls that reject you. I'm gonna sound totally predictable here and say that girls for whom your acne is a dealbreaker are probably interested in getting "a guy" moreso than they are interested in you, if you get what I mean. And as far as your standards are concerned... Being less appealing to these girls who reject is only bothering to you, I assume, if you are interested in the same type of relationship they are i.e. one where it's more about fulfilling some need (sex, "having fun", status of whatever) than it is about two people who love each other. ..I would have to say. Please don't take that as criticism.

I think I'm basically agreeing here with mahema who said something similar a few posts back (in a perhaps more concise manner).

It also depends on your facial features too.

[stickstickley]

And as far as your standards are concerned... Being less appealing to these girls who reject is only bothering to you, I assume, if you are interested in the same type of relationship they are i.e. one where it's more about fulfilling some need (sex, "having fun", status of whatever) than it is about two people who love each other. ..I would have to say. Please don't take that as criticism.

It's not a black and white issue, though. It's not as though people care about just looks or just personality. Both matter. Even people that value personality much higher typically are going to care about looks to an extent, even a small one. There are very few people that care strictly about personality. Even the people here who have acne care about looks to some extent. Acne just happens to be something they're empathetic/forgiving of because they had deal with it themselves. You don't need to look like a movie star or be perfect because pretty much no one is, but if you're just downright unpleasent to look at you're just extremely unlikely to even get a chance. And I don't think that makes them bad people, that's just the way humans are.

[Lapis lazuli]

And as far as your standards are concerned... Being less appealing to these girls who reject is only bothering to you, I assume, if you are interested in the same type of relationship they are i.e. one where it's more about fulfilling some need (sex, "having fun", status of whatever) than it is about two people who love each other. ..I would have to say. Please don't take that as criticism.

It's not a black and white issue, though. It's not as though people care about just looks or just personality. Both matter. Even people that value personality much higher typically are going to care about looks to an extent, even a small one. There are very few people that care strictly about personality. Even the people here who have acne care about looks to some extent. Acne just happens to be something they're empathetic/forgiving of because they had deal with it themselves. You don't need to look like a movie star or be perfect because pretty much no one is, but if you're just downright unpleasent to look at you're just extremely unlikely to even get a chance. And I don't think that makes them bad people, that's just the way humans are.

You should go up to some women and tell them about your insecurity regarding your acne. You'll probably feel a lot better once it's out in the open and you've actually heard what some women think. Seriously, give it a try.

[nakedsmurf]

You know what I was actually getting more chicks while my acne was at its worst.(mild)
My acne right now is light but now I'm getting no chicks
Unless I have alcohol in my system
Idk why I become a shy guy all the sudden.

[Lapis lazuli]

You know what I was actually getting more chicks while my acne was at its worst.(mild)
My acne right now is light but now I'm getting no chicks
Unless I have alcohol in my system
Idk why I become a shy guy all the sudden.

"I don't want somebody loving everybody. A shy guy is the kind of guy who will only be mine."

[stickstickley]

And as far as your standards are concerned... Being less appealing to these girls who reject is only bothering to you, I assume, if you are interested in the same type of relationship they are i.e. one where it's more about fulfilling some need (sex, "having fun", status of whatever) than it is about two people who love each other. ..I would have to say. Please don't take that as criticism.

It's not a black and white issue, though. It's not as though people care about just looks or just personality. Both matter. Even people that value personality much higher typically are going to care about looks to an extent, even a small one. There are very few people that care strictly about personality. Even the people here who have acne care about looks to some extent. Acne just happens to be something they're empathetic/forgiving of because they had deal with it themselves. You don't need to look like a movie star or be perfect because pretty much no one is, but if you're just downright unpleasent to look at you're just extremely unlikely to even get a chance. And I don't think that makes them bad people, that's just the way humans are.

You should go up to some women and tell them about your insecurity regarding your acne. You'll probably feel a lot better once it's out in the open and you've actually heard what some women think. Seriously, give it a try.

I believe it would be difficult to get honest answers that way; most people won't say things like that directly to you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. However, like I said, my mother would make negative comments about my skin; and she's someone who has no reason to even care about my looks at all so I know that I have it to the extent where it's a very negative trait.

It's really hard to find studies on this, however, it's really easy to find studies on height, for example. There are plenty of women (not all, but still a lot) who won't date a guy shorter than them or, more rarely, even just below a certain height. So, if it's so common for guys to be disqauilified based on their height I don't see why people want to deny the same things happens for acne/scars.

[songbirdsing]

I think even though I suffer from acne, that doesn't give me a biased opinion. I used to be overweight and WAS NOT attracted to overweight guys. I always found thinner guys to be more attractive and still do. I know what attractive is....and I don't think that acne (unless it is deforming) detracts from a guys appearance. Perhaps those things might be a deal breaker with some girls, but I think it depends on the girl. My tastes might be strange as I prefer asymmetrical things on a guy...like a crooked smile or whatever.

And as far as your standards are concerned... Being less appealing to these girls who reject is only bothering to you, I assume, if you are interested in the same type of relationship they are i.e. one where it's more about fulfilling some need (sex, "having fun", status of whatever) than it is about two people who love each other. ..I would have to say. Please don't take that as criticism.

It's not a black and white issue, though. It's not as though people care about just looks or just personality. Both matter. Even people that value personality much higher typically are going to care about looks to an extent, even a small one. There are very few people that care strictly about personality. Even the people here who have acne care about looks to some extent. Acne just happens to be something they're empathetic/forgiving of because they had deal with it themselves. You don't need to look like a movie star or be perfect because pretty much no one is, but if you're just downright unpleasent to look at you're just extremely unlikely to even get a chance. And I don't think that makes them bad people, that's just the way humans are.

You should go up to some women and tell them about your insecurity regarding your acne. You'll probably feel a lot better once it's out in the open and you've actually heard what some women think. Seriously, give it a try.

I believe it would be difficult to get honest answers that way; most people won't say things like that directly to you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. However, like I said, my mother would make negative comments about my skin; and she's someone who has no reason to even care about my looks at all so I know that I have it to the extent where it's a very negative trait.

It's really hard to find studies on this, however, it's really easy to find studies on height, for example. There are plenty of women (not all, but still a lot) who won't date a guy shorter than them or, more rarely, even just below a certain height. So, if it's so common for guys to be disqauilified based on their height I don't see why people want to deny the same things happens for acne/scars.

I found that mothers like to say negative things for no particular reason. Or maybe that's just my mother.

[Lapis lazuli]

And as far as your standards are concerned... Being less appealing to these girls who reject is only bothering to you, I assume, if you are interested in the same type of relationship they are i.e. one where it's more about fulfilling some need (sex, "having fun", status of whatever) than it is about two people who love each other. ..I would have to say. Please don't take that as criticism.

It's not a black and white issue, though. It's not as though people care about just looks or just personality. Both matter. Even people that value personality much higher typically are going to care about looks to an extent, even a small one. There are very few people that care strictly about personality. Even the people here who have acne care about looks to some extent. Acne just happens to be something they're empathetic/forgiving of because they had deal with it themselves. You don't need to look like a movie star or be perfect because pretty much no one is, but if you're just downright unpleasent to look at you're just extremely unlikely to even get a chance. And I don't think that makes them bad people, that's just the way humans are.

You should go up to some women and tell them about your insecurity regarding your acne. You'll probably feel a lot better once it's out in the open and you've actually heard what some women think. Seriously, give it a try.

I believe it would be difficult to get honest answers that way; most people won't say things like that directly to you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. However, like I said, my mother would make negative comments about my skin; and she's someone who has no reason to even care about my looks at all so I know that I have it to the extent where it's a very negative trait.

It's really hard to find studies on this, however, it's really easy to find studies on height, for example. There are plenty of women (not all, but still a lot) who won't date a guy shorter than them or, more rarely, even just below a certain height. So, if it's so common for guys to be disqauilified based on their height I don't see why people want to deny the same things happens for acne/scars.

This is, I suppose you'd call it a pet peeve? Don't get me started on the fact some women see the fact that a guy is short as a dealbreaker. Aaargh. I hate it. It's just so...offensive. If I was to say I wouldn't ever date a women with red hair would I be a jerk? Yes I would and it's the same thing. It's the same thing... I could on about this but 1) I'll just write a bitter rant and 2) I'm watching a movie at the moment (30 days of night which is quite good) so I'll be back later to reply some more (regarding other things).

Edited by Lapis lazuli, 04 January 2013 - 05:53 PM.

[Lapis lazuli]

I believe it would be difficult to get honest answers that way; most people won't say things like that directly to you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. However, like I said, my mother would make negative comments about my skin; and she's someone who has no reason to even care about my looks at all so I know that I have it to the extent where it's a very negative trait.

I suppose people may be a bit hesitant to be brutally honest. If I was to ever see a photograph of you I would be surprised if I saw what you meant though; so many times people here are less attractive to themselves than they are to other people.

It's really hard to find studies on this, however, it's really easy to find studies on height, for example. There are plenty of women (not all, but still a lot) who won't date a guy shorter than them or, more rarely, even just below a certain height. So, if it's so common for guys to be disqauilified based on their height I don't see why people want to deny the same things happens for acne/scars.

Well this comes down to the same thing; if their standards are not yours why would you care about them ignoring you?

Edited by Lapis lazuli, 04 January 2013 - 06:31 PM.

[stickstickley]

Well this comes down to the same thing; if their standards are not yours why would you care about them ignoring you?

Because the original question was whether or not it matters; which I'm saying that yes it can if you have it bad enough. I was just using the height example to show physical things that you have no control over can work against you. When you have severe scarring or acne, finding someone that doesn't care at all is like finding the provervbial needle in a haystack.

[Lapis lazuli]

Well this comes down to the same thing; if their standards are not yours why would you care about them ignoring you?

Because the original question was whether or not it matters; which I'm saying that yes it can if you have it bad enough. I was just using the height example to show physical things that you have no control over can work against you. When you have severe scarring or acne, finding someone that doesn't care at all is like finding the provervbial needle in a haystack.

Paul McCartney married a woman with one leg. If he could have snapped his fingers so that she had two again would he have done so? Yes. Why? Well first and foremost because he wants his wife to be as happy as she can be. Would he think to himself "Cool. Now I've got a two-legged wife again."? I don't think so because he wasn't concerned with things that don't matter; physical imperfections are insignificant to people who love you.