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Are Relationships Worth It ?

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#21 Siava


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Posted 28 November 2012 - 12:37 PM

Dang. The issue must've been a doozie. Hope you two get it worked out.

There are times i think i really like it and there are times i think it's just not me. However i am not giving up. I am at least exploring a relationship now that i am older and wiser.

AWESOME!!! What you said and Spotthedifference's sentiment about not giving her all when she doesn't get it back makes me think of the phrase, "Relationships are 50/50." I've heard that phrase used so often and even believed it myself at one time. It is false.

Relationships are 100/100!

If you can't or are unwilling to give 100% effort then don't bother. You'll wind up resentful, jaded, hurt, and discouraged. You'll also trample the emotions of your partner. If you're not receiving 100% from your partner then walk away because you are being disrespected and your time is being wasted. That and you'll still wind up resentful, jaded, hurt, and discouraged. It's not conducive to daydream about someone's potential while waiting for a relationship to improve or grow. It's also not healthy to let someone treat your poorly out of fear of rejection or loneliness. Boy oh boy did I learn that the hard way. You can most certainly be rejected and lonely while in a relationship if it's a toxic one!

When relationships are good (or perceived as good at the time), it's one of the most fulfilling feelings ever. Knowing someone is happy to see you, wants to confide in you, and has your back is tops. When they go bad though, yeah, it's pretty awful, but that's the risk you have to take or you'll never know. Not all relationships are meant to last though IMO. Some end due to circumstances beyond control and many end because they're unhealthy.

Ugh, it's frustrating. I've never been in a long term healthy relationship because I didn't know how to love or validate myself until recently, and that's still an ongoing process. My self esteem was shot so I sought to get that from men. Doesn't work. If you don't make yourself happy you'll teach partners to treat you poorly. Expecting someone else to boost your ego or be your life instead of having a life of your own already is a lot of pressure! Not only that, it's unattractive in every sense as well.

Haha, sorry if I veered off the original path a little. I love relationship talk. :wub:

#22 o Havoc o

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Posted 28 November 2012 - 01:28 PM

^^^ Wise words :)
Formerly Nicky D

If you stand for nothing then you will fall for anything

#23 Spotthedifference



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Posted 28 November 2012 - 04:12 PM

I don't think it's wrong to look, Nicky. It's natural. Depending on arrangements amongst relationship partners, it may even be ok to touch. There's a whole spectrum of relationships to fit what people want and need in order to be fulfilled. I get what you're saying though...just wanted to throw that in there. Posted Image

Mario, I've been rejected as well. Rejection definitely sucks, but ya get over it and jump back on that horse (if you're ready to) because the ride can be so much fun! I'm not in a committed relationship right now because I know I'm not ready for the level of openness, honesty, and committment it takes, but I am not opposed to being ready if a suitable man crosses my path. Like it has been said, relationships take work. Some days are effortless. Some days it takes every ounce of your being not to push your partner in front of a bus. Posted Image

You asked why relationships are worthwhile. Man is that a loaded question. There is soooooooooooo much that can be said as to why, but I'll keep it as brief as possible.

Being mentally and sexually stimulated is rewarding. Affection rocks. It feels wonderful knowing someone adores you for who you are and is still willing to have sex with you. Posted Image It's fun to learn the ins and outs of a partner. And just when you think you know everything, you're pleasantly surprised with new information. There's a certain comfort in doing boring things with someone you care about.

Like I said, there's a lot more and could be explained more eloquently, but I think you understand where I'm going with that. You'll know when you're ready if you ever get to that point. There's no rush. Do what makes you happy while you figure it out. Posted Image Good luck!

The line highlighted made me laugh. Posted Image Had one of those moments sunday with my girlfriend, and to be honest still a little pissed with her.

Been together almost a year and it has been largely effortless but this one thing that kicked (because of her insecurity) almost pushed me over the edge and i almost walked away.

I suppose one thing i learned with my many failed relationships in the past is to not be scared to walk away and i am fully prepared to do so if i am not happy.

Life is too short to try and change someone or to hope that they will change and be everything you want them to be.

I'm one of those rare people that when I'm in a relationship I *can't* look at other people, because I'm so absorbed in the person that I'm with that I don't care about anyone else like that. Not even in a lusty way.

And that's why I'm not keen to be in a relationship right now. My kind of devotion is ultimatley not always a good thing. It means you're never likely to get back in a relationship what you give, which feels unfufilling and breeds resentment. Plus I'm sick of getting emotionally attatched to people and giving them my all for them to merely take whatever they're after (not even talking about physical intimacy, more psychological needs) then leave. Sometimes without notice, and I've had to find out through other people.

I desperatley want to be able to be the kind of person to just fool around with people without getting emotionally invested, but I'm just not. Nor do I think I can be the devoted girlfriend any longer.

I've resigned myself to perving from afar and trying not to develop any genuine feelings for anyone. The people I've had crushes on I've tried to either shift into the friend zone in my feelings for them or the object of lust zone.

When I love somebody it is completley, purely and exclusivley. Nobody else exists (in that way) to me. Just them.

And I just can't keep giving that to people that don't even deserve my respect, let alone my love.

Anyway... in regards to acne and relationships. Don't let rejection get you down. People have all kinds of reasons to turn you down, 80% of which are due to themselves, not you. Just try to be happy in your own life and see what comes your way.

I use to be just like you. But after a 4 year relationship and me and my ex gf emotionally sucked each other dry i just stayed single for 4 years. Yeah i slept around (safely of course) it was fun and allowed me to discover who i was and i wanted from a girl. I just loved the freedom, answerable to no one.

I am now 28 and just this year decided to stop messing around and give a relationship a try.

There are times i think i really like it and there are times i think it's just not me. However i am not giving up. I am at least exploring a relationship now that i am older and wiser.

For me i have no issues being single i actually like it, i quite comfortable in my own company and have no issues if i have to stay in on my on a Saturday night.

Don't be scared to explore what you are about and to do that with other people. There are 7 billion people in this world so i think it is wise to explore before you choose to settle Posted Image

I completley get where you and Siava are coming from. It sucks, but it's all part of growing as a person.

To be quite honest I think I may just need to grow on my own for now. I just wouldn't feel ok with being in casual physical relationships. I do definitley need more male friends though, just to get myself used to thinking of guys as human beings and not just people on pedestals. It's difficult because I'm experiencing a crush at the moment - not infactuation like leading up to my two relationships, not love and devotion, not a fleeting lust. Just... a crush. Something I've not felt since I was like 10/11. And I really just like being in the company of this guy, but I just don't think I could get up the courage to say or do anything.

Gah, I want to be some kind of non sexual being.

[Fun fact - I remember my first ever crush on somebody that wasn't on TV. He was called Alex and he used to come in to PE at primary school in this white vest. Absolutley nothing like the guys I like now. So weird how that changes]

Edited by Spotthedifference, 28 November 2012 - 04:17 PM.

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#24 mario90


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Posted 01 December 2012 - 01:59 AM

Thank you all for your replies. I have finally made my peace and decided how i will continue to live my life.

#25 k3tchup


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Posted 05 December 2012 - 12:52 AM

Relationships are a bit of a mystery if you have never really had one or dont know what you want. And its important to know what you want let me say because there comes a point where you jump and move really fast and pretty soon you are asking yourself "wth is going on"

Ive seen this in two of my friends this year in college, after alittle introspection i seen this happened to me as well. All i can do to explain it is to relate my situation as it was really tough to start, to the point i should have just ended it as it was severely 1 sided. However after getting to know her and learn that she just didnt know ANYTHING about what to do, things got better after alot of work and trust developing.. and having loads of patience( If you really want something you will work for it, just remind yourself how much you want something, how much will you take, what will you do ect) After the first time she sat on my lap willingly, after she finally allowed me to kiss her, things just went from being strained, quite, and at times awkard (for me) to literally this feeling that knocked my ass on the floor. She became so close at times that she felt attached to my hip. It had finally occured to me that we are "actually dating". A feeling that to me really wasnt there. It moved so fast in like a week and i spent basicaly 2 months without even holding her hand and we see each other daily for hours.Exaggerating yes but its the idea that things move fast.So my advice here is to know what you want to an extent, and talk to that significant person often about expectations, and to have patience. After that be ready ;)

Although i got ahead of myself abit,

Relationships are always work. Its fun, its great, its a pain in the ass, it feels like some days you just wana not be dating, and then you get reminded that hey she or he is great and i really like them cuz... The idea here is that if you are committed you show it and work on it daily. I go by this quote my mother told me "people are not toys, you do not take them off the shelf and play with them for awhile and then put them back when you want".
Unless you are in it for sex, a true relationship is more than that and requires work. Its 100% or nothing. Do not toy with the person as you can really hurt someone that way.It also comes down to your values and how you treat someone and want to be treated. I cannot stress that enough.

Go have fun, go experiment. You dont know until you try.

Edited by k3tchup, 05 December 2012 - 12:59 AM.