First of all, I must warn you- this doesn't have a whole lot to do with acne and this definately isn't something that you would want to look at if you are in the mood for a happily ever after sort of story.
I know that these problems are so called 'first world problems', it's true that many of you are going through harder things from much more serious issues. I am not looking for pity or a place to rant. Just some advice or support.
It's a long post but I'd really appreciate it if you'd read it fully and give me advice.
My story starts about a year ago:
A girl caught my eye, i caught her looking at me alot, she added me and liked my facebook statuses yada yada. On the first day back at school i inboxed her asking about classes, she added two 'xx's on the end of the message ... thus as time went by we talked more and after a little while i told a couple of my friends that i liked her. She would reply with things i took as flirting such as her saying we should 'go on holiday together' and she'd catch my bus one day. we spoke almost everynight and i felt good thinking i had finally found someone. Someone pretty, interesting and funny. My friends also told me that i should make a move on her saying 'she wouldn't wait forever'.
Then one day, another friend of mine (we'll call him Ben)- a friend i would never purposefully tell, guessed that i fancied her as i waved to her one day. He told 2 guys in my class, one of them that night had spoken to her and she told him to tell me she had a boyfriend. Once I found this out I felt pretty bad but i spoke to her and asked her if we could still be friends and she said 'you're a lovely person and I'd hate to loose your friendship'. But the next day I got a shock, turns out everybody knew about my crush on her and I got teased a little but i didn't mind. The other lad that 'Ben' told is what you would call an 'a**hole', he treats his girlfriend like poop and has no friends because of how he treats people- he said he would ask her out for me as a joke- of course I said no and firmly told him not to. But soon after he asked her what she thought of me(remember this for later).
Later that day my best friend who had been pushing me to go out with this girl sat me down. He said: "There's something I need to tell you", my heart sank immediately - such an awful feeling. I remember this clearly, he said: "she said she wants nothing to do with you", "she only made up the boyfriend so you would leave her alone" and "I'm sorry, I knew she didn't really like you I just wanted you to be happy". I wasn't angry with my friend for leading me on with her because i felt so depressed and drained, within a single minute my eyesight changed, heart pounding and palms sweating. I was almost in tears, I've never felt pain like it in all my life, I remember being dazed like when you are almost about to fall asleep on public transport. On the bus I just wanted to get home and check my messages but when I got home I saw something that just made things worse. I had a message saying 'I dont want to be rude or mean but I've heard a lot of shit today, I'm not interested in you and I have better things to do'. I instantly messaged back explaining that it wasn't me who told everyone but that it was 'Ben' and co even though i told them not too. I told her how bad I felt and that I was sorry. Not that it meant anything to her by the sounds of it, because that was the last direct message i got off her.
I took the next two days off school, sleeping, crying feeling sick and thinking about 'ending it all'. Friday before the half term holidays (in the UK we get a week off in October) I went back into school feeling awful, made eye contact with her a few times and felt even worse. I was a wreck, cuts on my wrists, eyes stinging from my messed up sleeping pattern and horrible chest pains from the stress of the past few days. I saw a few of her friends too, until then they were some of my acquaintances too, they looked at me like dirt. And in one lesson Ben's friend (the a**hole) told me laughingly that she said when he asked her, that she thought I was an "effing wierdo".
I tried to reconcile with her a month later by getting my best friend to talk to her and he intentionally left out half of what she said because it was 'too mean' in which she said she accepted my apology but still advised i didnt talk to her. Whilst I was gone, alot of people talked about me behind my back and spread it around.
I still to this day feel like I am some sort of 'creep' or 'stalker', that I'm going to die alone and Im the 'Dexter morgan' of the dating world. Even though I never join in with perverted banter or call girls hot yet i feel like I'm treated by people as some sort of serial rapist. I've had girls I haven't seen in 6 years say they would 'kiss blood off my face' and I've not treated them so bad.
It seems obvious that I should just 'ignore her' and forget about it all. But the simple thing is I CANT! It keeps ringing over and over in my mind like i'm suffering from PTSD or sh*t. I dream about it too, sometimes she apologises and sometimes she's just being mean in those dreams. It's driving me crazy, its been just 3 weeks short of a year and I still feel so bad about it. I've gone through it all, watching depressing movies, meditating for 'inner peace'.
I've never felt angry towards her, just hurt.
I cant have conversations any more I was shy as a child but now i'm just the same. I went through a faze of self harming very badly because of it. I blocked her on Facebook but still see her around school giving me evils along with her friends.
I don't know what to do,How do I move on? I'm not the kind of guy who can just simply 'forget' and move on and just get another girlfriend either... I'd understand if I was like this for a few weeks or months but for a year? I think I probably suffer from some mental condition looking at myself now. And yes, there are worse things in the world but I cant get my mind off this situation. I will take any advice but I'd honestly prefer you to be sensitive about this, it has had a big impact on me.
Thankyou for reading, I really , really appreciate it! <3
Edited by Randomstuffs261, 03 October 2012 - 02:42 PM.