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I hope I can explain what’s going on with me without breaking any rules, because I’m not gonna lie, it’s kinda leaning toward the sexual side of things.
Okay, so first things first. I’m 19, and I’ve had at least some kind of acne since I was 11. And it has been BAD, people. When I was around 16 it was the worst it had ever been and pretty much completely covered my face. Then I finally found a regimen that worked for me (Paula’s Choice), and it’s not so much of a problem on my face anymore. I still break out and I’ve got scars and blackheads and all of that, but I know what to do about it and some of the things that aggravate it. I have had quite a bit on my back and shoulders, though. This last winter was really bad for that, and I can see some terrible scarring beginning. It’s calmed down now that I’m focusing on it, but it’s still there, and I don’t have high hopes about the scarring fading much. However, I can cover it up with clothes fairly easily. I don’t even have to be weird about it, because most t-shirts cover it up perfectly well. It doesn’t go up my neck, which is lucky.
That said, I feel as if I am keeping a terrible secret that I’m so nervous about someone discovering. And that makes the idea of physical intimacy just terrifying.
I’ve never had a boyfriend or been on a date, and that has always been fine with me. I always had lots of other things going on, and I didn’t want to complicate things unless I was head over heels in love with someone. But now I’m in a stage of my life where I want to do some casual dating and start exploring all of that. I have several relationships right now that could turn serious if I wanted them to, and I do want one of them to become something more. But I’m scared. I keep telling myself, “Once all the bacne is gone, then it’ll be okay”, but I don’t know if that’s really true. Maybe it’s a bigger self-image thing, and once the acne is gone then it’ll be my weight or a million other little things. Maybe it won't solve anything.
And then besides the romantic issues, platonic physical intimacy can be weird for me sometimes too. I am a really touchy-feely person and have pretty much no physical boundaries, unless I think the other person could discover my ‘secret’. So I don’t let anyone rub my back , for instance, because I’m afraid they’ll feel the bumps through my shirt. My guy friend who I kinda want to be something more massaged my shoulders once, and I didn't pull away because I like him
...but I was so upset about it later, because I was sure he KNOWS now.I’m not going to post a picture because I think that’s all relative. But I don’t want to take my shirt off in front of anyone, ever. I used to be fine about changing in front of my friends, even though I’m not exactly fit, but no more. Of course, I’m more concerned about something a little different…and maybe that self-consciousness is a good thing, I don’t know. I mean, I’m not about to do anything recklessly, but I might also not being doing anything at all! Even if I really, really want to.
I don’t know what the point of all of this is, but can anyone relate? I truly am sorry this is so long.
I mainly wanted to talk about how the self-consciousness surrounding acne can affect how you feel about physical touch across the board, but I got a little sidetracked...if anyone has any thoughts on that, please share!
