Pre-warning, depressing post, could be triggering...
I want to kill myself. My body is literally falling apart around me, I'm nearing 5 months on Accutane and still breaing out, each breakout leaving these seemingly permanant red marks (the worst two I have had since before Accutane and are still just as big and feirce). Also suffering from wart/verrucae on hands and feet which I am treating with apple cider vinegar/duct tape...which means they look hideous and are SO so so tender and painful. I can't sleep because of the pain.
I hate everyone and everything, my family are beginning to hate me as well because of how I have no life or future and am stuck at home with them. I mean, what even does a dermatologist do? All the skin conditions I can think of, verrucae, warts, acne, scars, marks, rosacea, dermititis, seborrhic dermitits....none of them have any cure, and most, like rosacea and seborrhic, don't even have anything to help! As far as I see it, a dermatolost is simply there to go, "yep, it's red and ugly!" as a confirmation. Useless.
Before Monday I hadn't left the house in 5 months -- then monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday I spent all day going out with friends for the first time. I was trying so so hard to just get my life back and to be normal and happy, but then what happens? I start having awful breakouts again, my face/chest/back is covered and my hands and feet look awful.
I look like a monster. There's no denying it.
There's no way that this will just all 'clear up' in a couple of months as my family keep, stupidly, saying and that I should just 'get over it' and 'be happy'. There's way too many problems, it will take years and years to fix all of this and these are the most important years of my life. The years I should be out, enjoying myself, trying new things, and instead I'm stuck at home, in pain, crying all day every day in a body I hate. There's not one part of me that I like.
I honestly don't see any way out. Live the next 10 years trying to fix everything, scared to do this or that incase it breaks me out, watching my life fall apart as I sit at home and ruin everyone else's with what a failure I've become, or to just end it now and hope that this oh-so-wonderful God who puts us through this is kind enough to give me a normal-looking body in my next life.
I can't do ANYTHING. Going out is the biggest effort because it just upsets me. I have to cover up everything about myself...makeup on my face (i'm a guy), shirts that cover up the acne/marks on my neck/chest/back, socks, plasters on four of my fingers to cover the warts...by the time you've done all of that to go and see a friend for an hour, you realize that it's just not worth it.
Dear Lore 91,
All I can say is that I know how you feel. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since October last year. I know it sounds horrible but that’s just how I feel. I constantly keep thinking about my skin and it ruins me! My self-esteem is so low. I work full time, so I have to leave the house Mon till Friday and it’s so stressful. I cry in the morning and I cry in the evening when I’m back at home. I spend the weekends at home cause I don’t feel like going out and spending time with my friends. I’ve started self-harming myself because it’s just too much.
At least you had the courage to start accutane. I’m too scared of the initial breakout cause I don’t think I could emotionally cope with my face getting worse. I just want this to be over!