My skin is not quite has good today as I think it has been recently. Got some small spots on my neck and jawline and one or two on my cheeks. From a distance they are barely noticeable though.
At work today, my manager gave me the task of training a new lady who has just started in our office. Doing the training wasn`t a problem but it did mean that for most of the day I was sat right next to the lady. I really dislike people getting close up to me - the thought of people seeing my flaws and blemishes really makes me anxious. However, even though it made me a little uncomfortable, she didn`t seem to mind being in close proximity to me and if she did notice any blemishes, she didn`t say anything or seem to care.
It was totally unplanned but in a way it was as useful as a lot of the stuff that I have been doing for CBT. I was inadvertently exposed to a situation that would normally make me anxious and it turned out a lot better than I anticipated. Definitely has given me more food for thought about how people really perceive me.
Hope you are all ok.
Oh man, Ive been there. Im always the person that has to train the new guy. I feel the same way you used to feel. I hate having someone in close proximity like that. And in my pessimistic mind, I know that maybe they didnt notice, or didnt care, or didnt say anything, but if they did, would they really ever tell you? So in my mind, its just as bad because I think its repulsive and disgusting, and they must too, even though they didnt say anything. I dunno, do you get what Im saying? I dont need someone to make a horrid face when they see me for me to not feel comfortable; I only need to look in the mirror and not like what I see for me to get myself down. No one's ever said anything about my skin; in fact, most people that I tell that Im having a problem w/ it, tell me they dont notice anything. Thats no consolation because I can see it, and Im not blind, and thats good enough reason for me to be pissed off, upset, anxious, angry, and then I start to self loathe.
Every day starts same as the next. I used to not be able to sleep until I got all these psych meds, so thats not a problem now. But from 505am when I wake up and go into the bathroom to take a shower, until 930pm when I decide to lay down and watch TV, my obsessive thoughts will not stop. I never expect anyone to say anything about the condition of my skin; but they dont have to, its my own thoughts that matter. And when your own thoughts are distorted, you quickly begin to spiral.
I am truly glad that the CBT you received has helped feel more comfortable in uncomfortable situations. I am seriously contemplating going back, maybe to someone new, and putting forth a real effort, cuz what Im doing every day to myself is not helping the situation.
Goodz19, I can totally relate to everything you have said in your post.
I`ve been in your situation and I still feel like it at times. Even though no one necessarily has to say anything, because you in your mind think that you are repulsive, hideous and ugly, you automatically assume that is what everyone else thinks of you.
I know exactly what it is like to look in the mirror and absolutely detest what you see. I`m ashamed to say this but at times it has gone beyond thinking I`m repulsive, hideous and ugly. I have on occasions shouted expletives at my reflection and spat at it and referred to myself as vile scum. I have on one or two occasions smashed mirrors because of the disgust I feel at what I have seen.
Doing CBT has not only helped me curb the mirror obsession, it has also helped me to realise that all this stuff I feel about myself are just my thoughts and no one elses`. As my CBT therapist says, thoughts are just personal feelings - not facts. I know you probably won`t believe me but what your mind is telling you is not true. Where is the evidence other than what you think you see? Do any of your friends` or family tell you that you are hideous and ugly? You will probably say that people are being nice or don`t notice but trust me, most people are too concerned with their own problems to even notice or care.
As I say CBT has really helped me. It is something that I have to keep working at though as it would be really easy to relapse and go back to the negative thought patterns. I seem to remember you saying that it didn`t work in the past but that may have been due to the therapist or it being the wrong time for you. Definitely think that it is worth another shot - you`ve got everything to gain and nothing to lose.
All the best.
Thanx for the reply Gunnke. I, like you mentioned, have gone above and beyond the normal reactions of having skin issues; things which are almost unmentionable. Im glad that Im not the only person who thinks this way; wish there was someone in my real life that could relate though. I am reassessing my need for continued therapy again; its something I really need to consider. As you mentioned, have nothing to lose. Thanx again.
No problem goodz19. It helps to know that I`m not the only one too. Whatever you decide to do, good luck. Don`t have to take me up on this but if you ever want to talk or vent, either contact me via the forums or PM me. Cannot promise that I will have the answers but I do have some inkling of what it`s like and I can listen.