So, GUNNKE, let's move with us into our farm!
We will make puppies vomit and cry. It will be funny, you'll see.
The way I`m going right now Mandarine, I will definitely be moving into a farm if this carries on - but not the sort with animals.
Still really depressed with my skin. I have broken out all over the right side of my neck, jawline and sideburn area and it appears to be spreading to the left side as well now. Even noticed a couple of spots behind my ears - how did that happen?
I really do not know what to do about CBT. The theory behind CBT is to do things to challenge the negative thoughts and perceptions about yourself. I have tried to follow to the letter exercises and tasks that I have agreed with my therapist. I have cut down looking in the mirror to 2-3 times max per day and I have also deliberately been putting myself into social situations where my blemishes and perceived imperfections are on display in order that I can gauge the reaction of others.
The experiments have been going really well. I do know that people are really not that concerned or do not notice your perceived acne/flaws. Also avoiding the mirror does help you not to obsess or focus as much on your appearance.
The problem is that unfortunately for me, I still have a tendency to breakout now and again and when this happens, no amount of positive thinking can break the downward cycle that I descend into where I just think that I am a vile, repulsive monster.
Last night I had a complete meltdown - it just feels that I am never ever just going to have what I consider relatively normal skin and if I`m honest, if this is how it is going to be forever more, I don`t think I can take it any longer. The alternative is to just hide away and become a recluse but I`ve been there and done that and it is no way to live.
I'm falling into a downwards spiral... My acne is not improving dramatically, but it's not terrible at the moment. The thing is that I'm gradually becoming more and more depressed.. Is it Diane or Androcur cause it, I don't know...
Two days ago something got into me and I overdosed some Atarax pills. I read it causes severe drowsiness and all I wanted to do was sleep for a long long time. So I took about 15 pills at once and went to bed. Woke up short of breath and needed an ambulance in the middle of the night. It was terrifying, I thought I'll suffocate and die.
Today I'm feeling as low as ever. I know i need to end taking the pills but I wanted to at least get some results from it...
That's really scary. Can you stop taking the BC pills? They always made me worse, both with acne and with depression.
It finally seems to show some results on my acne. Very slight, but noticeable for me. But the depression is getting the best of me... I have mindlessly stared at a tv screen today from 10 o'clock until now (almost 17) and cried until my eyes got dry. For no particular reason. And my mouth is still dry, head still hurting after the Atarax overdose, how stupid... We had some really nice atmosphere with my bf few days ago, now he's cold and shocked over how sudden my mood took a turn.
I guess bcp itself wasn't the cause this time, because i didn't have such side effects during the first 3 months, but this time I added Androcur which represses androgens and can easily cause severe depression. I guess that's what has happened...
I feel that I am also descending into a depression - I am not at work today and I have just sat at home all day today not able to read, watch TV or do anything, everything seems pointless right now. I do know that no matter how crap I feel, I`m going to have to do something tomorrow to break this cycle otherwise I am just going to descend deeper and deeper. Luckily (or not) for me my parents are visiting from the North of England (Lincolnshire) tomorrow so maybe it might just be the impetus I need to sort myself out - we`ll see.
I hope things sort out for you soon Pianina - if it means dropping Diane or Androcur for the time being then so be it.In the great scheme of things, depression is a more serious and debillitating condition than acne.
I recently managed to get a course of CBT booked on the NHS, which I'll be starting next week. I got to the point where I didn't think I could handle it on my own anymore. But the thing is, it sounds like I already do all the 'tasks' they set you. I only look in the mirror once or twice a day, I expose myself to social situations, I try and speak positively to myself - but none of it's working at all.
Even if I limit mirror-time, I can still feel how spotty, greasy, itchy and dry my skin is. Going into social situations doesn't help much, as people will tell me I'm fine or that they don't notice anything wrong and yet how many women have been interested in me in the last ten years? None. That tells me all I need to know; the rest is platitude. Positive self-talk feels futile, as it's constantly up against a tide of negative, nasty comments about people like me (ugly, single, introverted, shy, overeducated) from the media and society in general.
Then again, CBT might be the only, faint, hope I have left.