This is a story of a girl...make-up
Posted 01 July 2009 - 07:29 AM
Hi. My name is Stacey, and I used to have flawless skin. Last year I went off my BCP because I thought that I had out grown my acne. Turns out I was wrong, and it's come back in full force. ProActiv made it worse. The pill no longer worked. Accutane it is.
I've been on it three weeks so far, and honestly, I was really excited about starting it. I had wanted to go on it back in Year 12, but the derm said that I would probably get quite fatigued, so didn't recommend it. But I need a fix. I want to find the person I used to be. I hate the person I am now. I hope at the end of this course I find what I'm looking for. And fingers crossed the IB has passed me by.
My lips aren't even dry. The Lucas' paw paw ointment is amazing. The corner of my lips are cracked and hurt sometimes. My back was sore while I was studying for exams. My eyes feel a tad sore, maybe they're dry. I love having hot showers and having tight, dry skin. I haven't needed to moisturise. My scalp has been a bit dry, but I've been using Neutrogena T-Gel, so hopefully that clears it up.
Tomorrow I'm dying my hair, so I look fresh when I go out tomorrow night. My skin is quite bumpy and red, but make-up should cover it up okay. I feel frumpy. My housemates are watching American Dad. They never mention my skin. I think it helps that I live with 3 guy friends. I can't really hide away from the world. My girl friends on the other hand don't stop themselves from bringing it up, or giving me advice. It's embarrassing, and makes me incredibly emotional.
Over and out.
P.s- I tried to attach a pic, and it didn't let me. Said that I wasn't permitted to upload it. Advice?)
Posted 03 July 2009 - 03:46 AM
I think what I took away from it, was the fact that even after my skin clears (fingers crossed), there will always be something else that I won't be happy with. The colour of my hair, my thighs, my breasts. Having bad skin is definitely the thing that holds me back the most, but when I go out, I compare myself to every other girl in the room. And if I had to rank myself against them, I'd be near the bottom. It scares me how superficial I am. How jealous. The way that I am constantly turning the smallest issue into a huge drama. I'm totally neurotic. I say that clearing my skin will give me a new lease on life, but not if it's not in conjunction with diet and exercise changes as well. Permanent life-style changes.
What was also interesting was talking to my friend Katie while we were pre-drinking at an apartment in the city. She knew that I was on meds for my skin, and she asked if it was Accutane. Apparently her brother and his mate had done an experiment, and gone to two different dermatologists. Both suffer extremely mild acne ( a few spots a month). One derm said he would prescribe it, the other said he doesn't prescribe it to anyone, ever. Katie had a heard a lot of things about it, and was quite worried about me, which in turn worried me! I think I should be okay. My ex boyfriend took it, my housemate, my brother, an old friend in high school. So it's not uncommon, and I got to see first hand how it affected them, and how amazing the results were.
I saw my ex dancing with a girl, and emotion flooded over me. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or the drugs, but an uncontrollable irrational anger and frustration and sadness washed over me. I left in tears and caught a cab home. We spoke about it this morning, and he talked me around. Showed me how silly I was being. And that's why I love him.
"Too young to be together, too in love to be apart"
My skin looked pretty okay last night. Tried some different foundation and it seemed to do the trick. I went shopping today with Grandma and she didn't comment on my skin, which was a good sign.
Posted 03 July 2009 - 12:37 PM
Anyway, I just wanted to say I don't think it's superficial to want to look your best and be pretty, especially since you've had clear skin in the past. I feel the exact same way, comparing myself to others, etc. then feeling guilty for being so preoccupied with the way I look. It's funny because when my skin was clear, I never gave it a second thought.
I'll keep checking your log. I think you'll be really happy with your decision in the end.
Posted 04 July 2009 - 02:38 PM
Haven't seen any pictures of you other than the avatar which I'm guessing is you and, genuinely, if your acne needs accutane, after accutane, you'll look great, don't you worry about all the other things that, in reality, guys don't care that much about!!! THAt'S COMING FROM A GUY.
Best of luck : )
PS: It might be that your picture is too big in terms of file size - try uploading it to photobucket or somewhere and they can resize it for you.
Posted 05 July 2009 - 04:29 AM
I am almost tempted to cover up my mirrors at home. I spend so long in the morning obsessing over my face, looking for improvements/changes to my skin, that it is quite difficult to tell if there is ACTUALLY any difference. It's like when you don't see a someone for a while- when you do finally see them you can tell if they have lost weight or if their hair has grown etc, because you don't see them every day, so changes are more noticeable. Makes it kinda hard when you need to apply make-up in the morning though.
The accutane is almost dominating my life. I was meant to go camping with a friend, and I cancelled on him, because there wasn't going to be a shower or basin for me to wash my face, or facilities to prepare my vegan food. Usually I would jump at the chance to go and spend time outdoors, and I think I really hurt his feelings. He knows that I am on the meds, and I warned him that I will probably become really unsociable, but he still doesn't seem to understand. My ex has been staying with me this past week, and he has been amazing. He was on accutane a couple of years back, and he's been really supportive. My moods have been so incredibly extreme, and he is the only one that can bring me back down to earth. We've been hooking up, and all I can think about when I'm with him is how awful my lips must feel, and how up-shit-creek I would be if I fell pregnant. Putting all my trust into a BCP makes me really scared. But it makes everything better again... for an hour or so
I went to a game of Australian Rules today- St.Kilda versus Geelong, and it was fantastic. Go Saints! I took the train in, and I took a lot more notice of people with acne. I must admit, that even though my skin annoys the hell out of me, and people often comment on how bad it is, it isn't nearly as bad as a lot of people out there, so I feel quite silly whining about it. I get cysts along my jaw line, but none really on my face that would cause any poc marks I suppose. I looked at some boys on the train, with quite severe acne or scarring, and their behaviour were almost identical: not making eye contact, covering there face with their hand while looking out of the window, slouching, having longish hair that also covers their face. I just wanted to go up to them and give them a hug, but I know that if anyone ever showed that kind of pity towards me, I would be quite ashamed and almost humiliated.
I've attached a photo of me from July 1st, the day I upped my dosage from 20mg to 40mg per day. Sorry the photo is dark. It's because of the new energy saving light globes that we had installed . But it sort of shows the scarring and acne on my forehead and chin, and some on my cheeks. I have NEVER had acne on my cheeks before- that's only been since accutane.
Posted 05 July 2009 - 07:33 AM
I covered up my bathroom mirror. I have one full-length mirror in my bedroom that I light with a soft pink bulb which is where I do my makeup. Then I try not to look at myself for the rest of the day. I've found that looking in the mirror 1) doesn't make me look any better and 2) doesn't make me feel any better, so even though it's tempting I just had to stop.
Have fun with your ex!
Posted 05 July 2009 - 10:12 PM
Do you wear make up every day? I get too worried that it'll make my skin worse, but at the same time I hate going out with my acne clearly visible. Kind of a catch-22. I usually just make sure that my eyes look really pretty so that it hopefully draws peoples attention away from my skin. I love the sound of a pink bulb. Sounds like a princess room , and would be practical as well. Win-win.
And yes, I shall have fun with the ex. Hehe.
Posted 06 July 2009 - 07:17 AM
I started accutane at the start of my summer vacation, so I haven't been wearing makeup every day. I go back to school July 28th though, and I am planning to wear makeup. I think as long as you choose something oil-free it should not break out your skin any worse.
Posted 06 July 2009 - 03:40 PM
Posted 06 July 2009 - 06:36 PM
I just wanted to stop by and wish you luck! I'm sorry about the chest pains, but it's good to hear that you're skin is starting to clear up! I think that you've got a gorgeous face to start out with, and I'm sure that your skin going to look even better a few months from now.
I totally agree about how hard it is to eat a 'fatty' meal while you're trying to be healthy. I'm a vegetarian and short of walnuts, almonds, etc. it's tough to find a healthy non-meat fat!
I'll keep checking in on your log. (:
Posted 08 July 2009 - 02:43 AM
Today I got called into work. I work at a real estate office on Saturdays, so I usually only see the Sales staff and property management. So today was the first time that I'd seen the lady in accounts for a few months. I've known her for years, because I used to swim with her son, so we know each other well. But after we said hi the first thing she did was grab my face and say "You've broken out again!? What have you been DOING?" I pushed her away and said that I hadn't done anything, and walked away to the front desk. I had to force myself not to cry. I had felt okay in the morning when I got ready. No pustules or really inflamed papules- just red scarring and a other new red marks, so I didn't wear make-up. And for her to say that just brought me down something shocking.
A little while later, one of the property managers came to the front desk and was talking to me, and she said " I hope this doesn't embarrass you, but I just wanted to tell you that your skin has improved a lot. What have you been using?" I did get embarrassed, and I wanted to cry again (so emotional!). I hate attention, and any kind of focus on me. I can't take compliments well usually, let alone when it was about my skin, and because she possibly only said it because she overheard my conversation with the lady in accounts. I couldn't answer her without the water works starting, so I just shrugged. Later, when I had composed herself, I told her that I was on Accutane, and she said that her niece was also taking it, and that it had really cleared her skin. That made me feel really hopeful.
I sms'd my housemate after that, and told him that I was on meds for my skin. All he knew was that I was taking pills, and that I bitched about the side-effects a lot. I decided that doing something proactive in sorting out my acne wasn't something to be ashamed about, and smsing was a LOT easier than having the discussion to his face. He said that he was glad that I wasn't dying. So I'm hoping that by telling people, and beginning to be open about my acne, people will be more sensitive about the topic around me, and make the treatment easier. It's not like my housemate would ever have a conversation with me about it, but I sort of just feel relieved that he knows, and that it's not some sort of secret.
So the day was turning out okay. I came home after work and jumped on Facebook. Then I saw that my ex had been tagged in some photos at a club where he had gone out to last night, and he was kissing a girl. She was stunning. Flawless skin. Perfect glossy hair. Stylish clothes. They'd added each other as friends as well. And frick, did it hurt. I feel alone again. And I know, we're not together, but we were sleeping together, and he was my rock when I felt crap about myself. I guess it's time to move on. I knew this already- I've known it forever. But he is the love of my life, and while he hurts me more than anyone, it only hurts because of how I feel about him, and how happy I know we both are when we're together.
Loveske- I hadn't even considered just eating nuts. How about peanut butter from the jar? Doesn't really constitute a meal I suppose... I'm trying to be vegan. For what reason are you vegetarian?
MissAngie- Haha. Thanks for the hair colour tip. I'm thinking I need to go lighter. I actually really liked my hair dark (it was black at one stage), but I can only pull it off when my skin is clear.
Nikki- I'll have to look into a good make-up. There have been a few times when I have slept with my foundation on, and when I wash it off it the shower the next morning, my skin actually seems better. Bizarre right? Maybe it's just wishful thinking.
Thanks for the posts guys. You're keeping me sane.
Posted 08 July 2009 - 06:35 AM
I don't do well with compliments either. Like if I see my mom on Monday and she says my skin looks better, then if I see her later that week and she doesn't say anything, I get paranoid and think my skin must look worse.
But kudos to you for being confident enough to go out without makeup. I haven't done that since my terrible walk back in March, lol.
Posted 08 July 2009 - 11:54 AM
makes me happy i am starting accutane next thursday, just really wish i would have went and started earlier so that my face would have been clear for the start of my new job but oh well lol
Posted 09 July 2009 - 06:35 AM
That is a really good analogy. I'd never really thought about it like that, but it makes complete sense. I might use that if anyone comments on my skin again.
Posted 10 July 2009 - 08:12 PM
I got invited to a gathering at a share house tonight, but I'm not sure if I'll go. I haven't seen that group of girls in ages, and I feel like I should make the effort, but at the same time, I really cbf. I am feeling ugly and fat, and I know it's just a state of mind, but I'm not feeling strong enough to pull myself out of this. I think it's just a lack of exercise- need to get some endorphins pumping. I worked Wednesday & Thursday, and we had people over both nights, so no chance to do my exercise bike work out. Yesterday I did some work experience with some natural resource managers, and that was a lot of fun, but I was wrecked and went to bed quite early.
I went shopping with the ex last night, because I needed a camera and he's good with technology and junk. He mentioned that he needed a coat, so we went to a department store and found a few nice jackets, coats and hoodies. He tried on a hoodie, and it was very him. Gray and black checkered hoodie, it was a very light knit, and quite clingy. He stood there all self conscious, looking at his body at every angle in the mirror. " I love the hoodie, but I don't like how my body looks in it", he said. He is tall, lanky, and has just started getting a tiny pot belly from a recent increase in beer consumption. It is not noticeable in the slightest though, only when he's naked I often forget that guys can be just as self conscious as gals. I often have trouble with my body image, and for a while I was bulimic. I've been known to go on crazy crash diets, and when I decided to go vegan my friends were worried that it was just another attempt to lose weight. I assured them that it's not, and that is the honest truth. One of my friend's has a sister who is anorexic, and the other night she had a stroke. Well I tell you, that scared the bejeezus out of me. I promised myself then that I would always eat sensibly, and rely on exercise to maintain my figure. No more binging and purging. I think I felt like if I had a good body, then my face full of acne wouldn't matter as much, but I didn't want to be a failure at both. I also didn't want to be a "But-her-face". I guess we will always strive to better ourselves, whether it's in an intellectual way like going back to Uni, or in a slightly superficial way, like a boob job or hair extensions. I think that as long as you are doing things for yourself, and not for other people, and that you are happy and comfortable with your decisions, then what other people think should be irrelevant.
Posted 10 July 2009 - 09:36 PM
When my face started breaking out badly in February I started having a lot of the same behaviors as when I was eating disordered; i.e. avoiding my friends and family, feeling depressed, wanting to sleep all the time. My parents thought I was having issues with eating disorders again, so when I told them I was upset about my acne they were actually relieved. I was like, "Are you kidding? I'm crying every night about this and you're HAPPY that it's *just* acne!!"
Anyway, hang in there. It sounds like you're doing a lot better at staying social and being around your friends than I am. I have been keeping in touch with most people by phone or email for months, there are very few people I feel comfortable enough to hang out with in person.
Posted 10 July 2009 - 10:16 PM
I agree about what you said earlier - I don't know why people think it's ok to make comments about our acne. My aunt came over the other day and said, "Hey, you've got some acne! When did that happen? Have you tried ProActiv?"
Posted 13 July 2009 - 02:07 AM
I used to suffer from eczema and it appears to have come back on my neck. I have a dry patch on my left hand and another patch on my upper right arm. I'm getting a cold from having to walk home in the rain bare foot the other night. Hopefully it's just a passing cold, and I haven't caught the swine flu from a lady from work.
That's it for now. I am going out to dinner. Nikki, I find that I get depressed when I'm alone, so even though I feel pretty down about myself and self conscious about how I look when I go out, I am generally a lot more happy around my friends who accept me as I am. I know they probably wonder about my skin, but they have enough tact not to bring it up with me.
Posted 13 July 2009 - 04:53 AM
Posted 13 July 2009 - 05:12 AM
Hang in there... I am somewhat "relieved" to read that others go through this as well. I have no friend with acne so they can't relate to what I'm going through. But I've cancelled countless dates and events throughout the years because I looked like shit and on the rare occasions I went anyway, I constantly tried to cover my face with either my hands or hair. Horrible. Nobody without acne can understand this.
Hang in there, I am on day 12 and too have a severe IB right now and could just scream and cry at the same time, but I sooooo hope our IBs will be gone in a few days. Keeping my fingers crossed for the both of us...