I'm in a bad spot right now. I've been in it before, and it goes back and forth all the time, but now I feel like it's worse then ever.
I've had problems with my skin for 18 years now, and I've tried everything to get rid of it.
I turned 29 a little while ago, and I have finally accepted, that my skin problems are here to stay, and it will never go away.
If that was the case, it would have happened now with all the things I've tried.
I feel like accepting that, is the same as giving up, and it's a horrible feeling, because I'm not the type that gives up.
I've had a severe depression for 14 years, almost half of my life, and I would have ended it long ago, if I was.
But I have to face the fact, that I don't have strong genes. No matter how much I want my body to be strong and healthy, it's never gonna happen.
And how nature works is that the strong owns the world, while the weak stands on the side watching.
The funny thing is, that mentally I'm strong as hell, but my body just can't keep up.
Because of my skin problems, and the fact that I've had a depression for so long, I've had a long time to observe other people, and think about life.
The fact is, that life is not for everyone. The only thing we all have in common, is that we get born, and we die. But other then that we are in no way equal.
I've watched and observed attractive people all my life, and also the unattractive, and the difference is the same almost every time.
The world revolves around attractive people. Life is easy when you are attractive, because it signals that you have good genes, and everyone wants to have babies with people who has good genes, so they can grow up strong and healthy.
That's the meaning of life, to find the strongest partner with the best genes, to mix with our own, so our babies can grow up as strong as possible, and have a better chance to survive in this world. That's also why we use sex and attractive people to sell everything, because that's what we all want. We can't help it, it's our genes telling us, that they are the strongest to mate with.
Unattractive people don't have that luxury.
They signal that their genes are not that good, and if you have any health problems, like acne for example, that's even worse.
Being unattractive limits our hope of finding an attractive partner to have babies with, because no one wants to have weak babies.
Does that mean that there's no hope for unattractive people? Of course not. Personality and other things goes a long way, but the fact is, that if you are unattractive, you have to work much much harder, and it's a constant uphill battle.
Personally after almost 30 years on this planet, I'm sick and tired of watching beautiful people get everything handed to them on a silver platter without any effort, while I have to work 10 times harder for everything, and still not get half of what they have.
We can't fight our genes no matter how much we want to, and when I realized that I was in the weak catagory, I knew it was over.
Don't get me wrong, I've had beatiful girlfriends, and chances to have babies, but I've made a decision not to. It would be selfish of me, when nature is telling me not to.
My children would grow up with the same weak genes like I did, and they would struggle with it like I did. I would never forgive myself for that.
Every day I wish I had never been born, because my body is not strong enough to live in this world.
And that's actually the reason why I'm depressed, that and the fact that I'll never have any kids.
Since the meaning of life is to find a strong mate to have babies with, well I don't really have a reason to live anymore.