Well, all my worry about my skin getting better and the Dr. rethinking Accutane was a waste of time. I didn't have to see the Dr. today -- I didn't even see the NP that I was scheduled to see -- just some assistant who made me pee in a cup and came back with the script. I probably could have even worn makeup, darn it, but my skin looks MUCH better with makeup (because mostly what I have going on now is just redness from the scars of the previous cysts) and I wanted to look as bad as possible, just in case, lol.

My skin has started breaking out again (though no cysts yet -- though I know it is only a matter of time) so I know I still need the Accutane. If I thought one course of heavy duty antibiotics would do it -- I wouldn't take the Accutane. But, having been down this road before -- I know this is what I need to do.

I get the prescription filled tomorrow and then I start. I dread it and am excited about it all at the same time. At least I'll be dealing with the worst of it during winter, which means I have plenty of excuses not to have to go outside my house (rain, cold, etc.). I do dread having to have Christmas photos taken and celebrating my 40th birthday while on it -- but, you do what gotta do, I suppose. It could be a lot worse. As hard as acne is to deal with -- I guess I'm thankful that it isn't something like cancer ... Sometimes it is easy for me to get depressed over things, but if I take a step back and look at the big picture, it doesn't seem so bad. I'm going to need to do that quite a bit coming up, I'm sure -- but right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeful

Well, for some strange reason, my skin has suddenly decided to do much better this month. Well, maybe not such a strange reason. I had to take some strong antibiotics for my upper respiratory infection ... so that is part of it. But, crap ... it is really starting to worry me now. I mean, I would LOVE for my skin to just spontaneously get better on its own, but I know it won't. My track record in the luck department isn't so hot (with the exception of the wonderful husband I have and my two mostly angelic kids, of course -- I'm VERY lucky in that area of my life ).

I'm starting to get scared that my derm is going to see my skin and rethink the whole Accutane thing. Then ... the moment I walk out the door, those nasty cysts will decide it is party time and I'll have to go through the whole take a bazillion pregnancy tests, wait 30 days thing again. I know this is just paranoia -- but it is starting to freak me out a little. I've had horrible skin for 6 months and, naturally, it would just decide to clear up right before I go to get the prescription. Sheesh! Why couldn't it have done this when I tried antibiotics when it first happened?

Who would have ever guessed that NOT having a horrible breakout would cause me to freak out? Only have 10 more days until I get my prescription and I'll just be so relieved when I finally get it. Then, I'll just have the side effects to freak out over ...

Just testing out adding photos to the blog ...

Before Accutane -- Full Face View

Before Accutane -- Right Side View

Before Accutane -- Left Side View

Couple of months prior to cystic acne outbreak

I'm only 16 days away from my dermatologist appointment where I can finally get my Accutane. The only reason I haven't totally lost it over the mistake that resulted in me having to wait another 30 days is that I got very sick (too sick to worry about my acne) and the antibiotics coupled with my menstrual cycle resulted in an almost clear face for about one week. It was glorious! But, alas, the hormones have started doing whatever it is that causes me to break out and the acne is returning again full force. By the time I see the derm again, I'm sure I'll have several new cysts to contend with.

But, I'm starting to get really excited about getting the medicine. Before I was just nervous. The headaches, lethargy, IB, skin peeling, irritability were bad enough when I only had my dog to take care of (my husband was still just my boyfriend at the time and had to fend for himself at his own place). Now that I have two small children, two dogs, a husband and a laundry pile the size of a small third world nation -- well, it isn't going to be pretty. But, if the kids have to spend an inordinate amount of time watching Spongebob DVDs and playing on the Wii in order to have a happier mommy in a few months, well, in the long run I'll be able to make up for the neglect they are likely to experience in the next few months. Hopefully, having a mom not too embarrassed to leave the house will make it all worthwhile.

Plus, since I am basically going to be losing several layers of skin over the next few months -- I've decided that I am going to focus on the silver lining -- I'm getting rid of my acne and getting a face lift all in one. Those little fine lines should peel right off, right?

So, I got the call from my Dr. saying they had gotten all my bloodwork and everything looked good BUT (there is always a "but" isn't there?), I wasn't registered in the iPledge system (seems that part got overlooked) and it will be 30 (YES THIRTY!) days before I can get the prescription for Accutane.

So, I've been psyching myself for starting it this week and now I have to wait one more month. Ugh!!! Which means I will now be starting it a few days before my son's birthday. Lovely.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe this isn't a sign that I shouldn't be taking this at all. What an ordeal! Plus, I have to have yet another pregnancy test ... which is no big deal and at least they will let me do a urine test in the office instead of having to go to the lab, but I just took 3 pregnancy tests to get this and basically it was a waste of my time so I'm kind of peeved about it.

Nothing can ever be easy when it comes to acne, I guess. Oh, but what I wouldn't give to be one of those people with the perfect complexions who have never had to feel betrayed by their own skin ...

**UPDATE**
Well I guess I should really start learning to look at the glass half full because maybe everything does happen for a reason (though the reason for having acne in the first place escapes me ...). Tonight I came down with a HORRIBLE sore throat and fever and chills. May be Strep or could be the Flu -- not sure, but I am MISERABLE. So, I wouldn't have been able to start anyway. Plus, I'm thinking maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to slow down and be patient and wait until I am well because I am pretty sure I would have been desperate enough to take it even though I'm too sick to really do that. So, thanks God/Universe/Higher Power! I think you did me a favor even though I was too pessimistic to see it at the time. One day at a time, right?

Okay, so I'm waiting to get the Accutane but I'm impatient. So, I did a bad thing. Something you really shouldn't do and it is illegal to do it, but I'm doing it anyway. My dad got some topical antiboitic stuff for some skin problems he has on his scalp -- but I think seeing me without makeup yesterday threw him for a loop and he brought a brand new bottle/can of it over yesterday. And I used it. Yes, I know that it is a prescription for someone else but I am desperate here. I read all the literature so I know about the side effects and risks and I figure, if I am willing to take Accutane again which I know is hard on my body -- using this for a few days until I get the prescription for Accutane really isn't that risky.

Anyway, I had never even heard of this medicine before. It is called evoclin and I read that some people on here had success with it -- so I tried it last night. I must say, I think it actually helped a little. Although sometimes I think things help when really it is just the hormones in my cycle doing it all. It is so frustrating that I seem to go through the same cycle every month. Get my period and my face clears up and the PMS goes away and I feel great. Then, mid cycle, acne and PMS come back and I realize that the "cure" I thought I had found wasn't really what helped -- it was just hormones ... but I can't take BCP, so I'm left trying to use topical stuff to fix what is essentially a hormonal issue.

I'm only going to use it until I get the Accutane, but if anything will help until I can start that -- I'm willing to risk it.

I've struggled with acne since my early teens. For most of my teens and early twenties, the acne was a nuisance and embarrassing but honestly wasn't anything I couldn't endure. I had great friends who never seemed to care and plenty of boyfriends. I became very good with applying makeup and never, ever went anywhere -- not even to the mailbox -- without wearing it.

Then, when I was 29 and working in a highly stressful job all that changed. I developed cystic acne -- a pretty severe case of it. I could no longer hide most of it with makeup. It hurt to even wash my face. I would sit in the parking lot of my job and cry because I didn't even want my co-workers to look at me. I finally decided I needed to see a dermatologist. I tried topicals and antibiotics but it didn't help. Eventually, I went on Accutane. It was a tough treatment to endure, but I made it through and my skin was wonderful. Not 100% clear -- but with only a minor blemish every now and then and no cystic acne, I had absolutely no complaints.

Then, I went off birth control to get pregnant and it started going downhill. My skin improved while I was pregnant with my daughter, but the acne came back after she was born. Not cystic acne, so I didn't panic. Plus, I was breastfeeding and didn't want to take any medications anyway. Then I got pregnant with my son and my skin got worse. My job also became more stressful again. I quit my job became a stay at home mom thinking the stress was causing my acne and other health issues. It didn't. It just kept going downhill and one day, a week before a trip back home for a family reunion, I had one of the worst cystic acne breakouts of my life.

The depression, shame, irritability -- everything came right back. I went to the family reunion, but I kept my sunglasses on the entire time -- partly to cover some of the acne and partly because I couldn't bear to have anyone -- even my family members -- look me in the eye. And I was crying most of the time, too. I made an appointment to see the dermatologist, but I had to put off starting Accutane again because it was time for my daughter to start back to school and I wanted to get her into a routine before I introduced the difficulty of my Accutane course into her life.

I just finished up the last of my blood work and am now waiting on the Dr's office to call me with the info to do the iPledge program online. Once I do that, I should get the prescription pretty soon-- in the next week or so. I am anxious to start it and dreading it at the same time. It worked very well for me -- but it wasn't a permanent solution. The side effects were hard to take when I was younger and single without kids. I got really bad migraines until my body adjusted to the medicine. And I mean bad -- the kind that makes you want to cut your head off. Then there is the whole "it gets worse before it gets better" thing. I already have kids openly staring at me when I pick her up at the bus stop as well as my own kids asking heartbreaking questions like "when I get older will I get this too?" Sigh ...

I've already warned my husband that I will have to be a recluse in the next month (which may prove kind of hard because my son's birthday is coming up) -- but I try my best to just walk around and pretend that I don't have a skin problem and I try to ignore the stares I get -- though some people (adults who should know better) make it very hard sometimes. I don't want to punish my kids too much for my insecurities and depression over my acne. They already don't get to go out as much or have as many friends over because of it -- I can't make them total hermits. I have learned that avoiding mirrors and eye contact greatly helps you live in denial and get through the moment. I'm hanging on only because I've learned how to shut down the thoughts that in private torment me to no end.

I apologize for the rambling but I just wanted to give some background info on why I am here and what I'm facing. It is very cathartic just to be able to get it out and to know that, if anyone reads this, they will know exactly what I'm talking about because they are facing the same struggle, too.

I haven't figured out how to insert pictures yet, but I did create an album (M.A.M.A.W.A.) in the Accutane gallery if you want to head over there and check out what I'm dealing with. If you have any advice on how to get pictures inserted here, I'm happy to hear about it