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  1. Guys honestly. I am at a loss. I really think I am reacting badly to this retinoid,  is it possible? Like I swear I have a million bumps all over my cheek and neck, even UNDER it and I never get spots there EVER. They are tiny bumps no head whatsoever and occasionally itchy. 

    I don't know what to do :'( I am in tears over this, in fact I am truly depressed over this. It is affecting my full life right now and I can tell people are wondering "what the fuck has happened? " 

    I think I need to stop it,  it's coming on 6 weeks but it's the worst it's been in my life. 

  2. Latest Entry

    No issue after taking my third tablet last night, slight throat pain but went after half an hour or so!

    Woke up this morning with gunk in my eyes. My spot has started to go down a little. Amazed at how big it got over a day!

    Went shopping this afternoon and I was very weak walking around. Getting some joint pains too, arms feel very heavy (like when you get the flu!)

    Nothing much else to say, fourth tablet being taken tonight after dinner! Going out tonight for the bank holiday so going to take it very easy and maybe only have one light drink (or not even!)

    Has anybody drank alcohol while taking roaccutane before? Just wondering did you feel any effects? The leaflet advises moderation but I don't drink very often anyway! (once or twice a month maybe :) )

  3. I am feeling so sad. My skin is dry, cracked, and it hurts. It makes me want to take the BP and throw it away. I feel like it's destroying my skin. Like its stripping it of anything good it had left in it. I want to stop using it, but I'm afraid of what may happen.

    Before I started the regimen, my acne was getting progressively worse. The regimen stopped it in its tracks and even made it a lot better...until recently. I slowly started implementing the routine twice a day, and my skin is so dry it hurts. I've broken out again (not as bad as the first time, but who knows if it will continue to get worse). My skin is flaky and cracked, and when I put the moisturizer on, at first, it burned so bad. I then put on some argan oil (organic 100%) and it's helping sooth it a little, but I can still see the flakes. 

    I'm so disgusted with my skin. Honestly, I don't even recognize myself. Please, I'm open to suggestions. 

    PS: I'm thinking about going the natural route, but I'm afraid to stop the BP. I have 100% tea tree oil; I hear it's supposed to be good. I don't know though, honestly. I'm at a loss.

    (pictures below the dry skin isn't visible. This is after the argan oil application. I usually don't have that pinkish-red undertone, but my skin still stings slightly. Also, the camera quality isn't that great, note that it doesn't look as bad in pictures)

    Should I stop the regimen? Push through? Try something new? See a derm?






  4.  I am a 47 year old happily married mother of 3- 20 somethings. I've had occasional acne growing up. Nothing too out of the ordinary. But about 3 years ago, I started developing cystic acne that nothing could control or prevent. So much so that I have come to this very website in tears looking for an answer. I figured someone here had conquered what I was going through. Then, finally it happened.
         My tooth (first bottom molar right side #30) broke one Friday after work around 6:00 PM.  I had been have tingling in that particular tooth for a few years prior and decided it was nothing to be concerned about. Of course no dentists were opened at that time, so I decided first thing Monday morning I would go in. By Monday, I could not take the pain and my cheek had swollen up three sizes.  I went to the dentist Monday morning and found out that that tooth was infected so badly that I needed an emergency root canal. In fact, he was vacillating with the fact of admitting me into the hospital. Thank God I didn't have to go. So Santana!  What in the heck does all this have  to do with acne?? Just hang in there with me little bit longer. 
         My root canal was done.  Had to go in a few weeks to get the crown. Stubbornly, I didn't go back (yeah, that was stupid)  and the tooth ended up needing to be extracted two years later. Now, I started getting that cystic acne the years prior to the cheek blow up. But after the root canal. MY WORD!!!  I developed the most wicked case of cystic acne that I ever had. I want you to know that poor dental hygiene and stubborn acne seem to be related.  Well, for me, it was. You see, my acne started clearing up completely after the extraction and a round of antibiotics. I have never been more pleased my skin in years. Here's what I think happened. 
         My tooth was infected years prior to the cheek blow up. Bacteria with its toxic waste spread impacting the jaw bone, my skin, and even my sinuses. All on the right side of my face. When I got the extraction, I didn't get a course of antibiotics before the procedure, so any bacteria that was down in those roots polluted the root canal and actually helped to spread the infection along the jawline and across the face. Hence, the spread of acne all over my face.  EEEEKKKK!!!!
         So am I saying that all acne is caused by a renegade tooth? Not at all. Am I trying to say that say that you should forego a trip to your dermatologist or stop their treatment plans? Nope! All I'm saying is maybe you should look at your dental health in combination with your dermatologist treatment plan, especially if you were struggling with stubborn cystic acne like me. It can't hurt! Want proof that maybe a trip to your dentist may be warranted? Check out this article. Let me know what you think.
    Santana Bee

  5. So...this is the horrible week of waiting before I can start my Accutane treatment. :( I stopped taking the Minomycin as told 3 days ago. And have been on nothing since. The result? Loads of new whiteheads, red bumps, inflammation, redness, painfulness, itchiness, bumpiness etc. - just great! :l Oh God, if this is only 3 days into this awful week of waiting, what on earth is my acne going to be like by the end of the week??!! *cringes at the thought and shudders* I don't know if I can survive a week of being a pizza-face again!! :( *bursts into tears* Oh well...*sighs*

  6. skb95

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    I'm new to this so I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, but I seriously need some help and support.

    I used to have pretty bad acne and it cleared up with roaccutane. But now I have recently become so self conscious of my acne scarring that I avoid conversations with people, I avoid going outside whenever I can, and sometimes I feel like maybe I just shouldn't be around anymore. It's affecting me ridiculously badly, all I have been doing is crying. I hate the though of being that person that people look at and go "thank god I don't have skin like her". 

    I have been studying my skin so closely and I have convinced myself I have new scars developing where I haven't even had a spot - is that possible? I don't know what to do anymore, I can't see a way out of this and I don't want to feel ugly for my whole life. I look in the mirror and all I want to do it smash it and curl up into a dark corner where no one can see me.

    I even have acne scarring in places that most people don't get it, I have it on my forehead and in between my eyes. Just typing this now I am in floods of tears imagining all the people that will read this and go "I'm glad my skin isn't like that".

    I have phoned the doctor and counselling, but they aren't eager to see me soon so I am just wallowing in self-pity with no help from anyone. Please can someone help in any way, I don't know what to do.

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    I had a success story. I am currently a Freshman in college and I first started using the Regimen when I was a Freshman in high school (something like that). Anyway, let me describe the acne that I had. It was not cystic but I had a lot of it. All over my forehead was tiny texture and I have pimples on my inner cheeks. It was a constant worry in my life. When I came across treatment I decided I would give it a try after watching some girls youtube video on it.

    This was my savior. In one night, 50% of the texture was gone. I was so happy. My heart hurts of happiness just thinking about it. So from Junior year to Senior year to mid-Freshman year of college my skin was smoother than ever. My makeup went on flawlessly and I constantly got compliments on how clear my skin was. I was more confident than ever-- until recently.

    In January I began to notice that my forehead was starting to get little texture, nothing serious. No actual pimples. And in the beginning of April is when the pimples began all over my chin and some on my cheeks and stuff. It's not as dramatic as i'm describing but still.

    I need help. What went wrong? Anybody have suggestions? Also I will take suggestions of like prescribed acne treatments that have worked for you.

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    Hi this is my 1st post and Im writing here because I just don't have anyone else who understands this acne journey/pain. I am 28 and have had acne since i was in grade 3. I can't take it any longer. I have been on ever prescription  treatment under the sun.,including Acutane...... TWICE.  I am currently on allesse and aczone+ tazorac.5% and things were going well but now I'm breaking out and I just have lost my patience. Hormonal treatments mess with me, I get slightly depressed on them.  So at present I am dealing with a depressed mood, ontop of a bad breakout from my 7 day break of birth control, Onto of that my retinoid is doing the complete opposite of what its suppose to do. It makes my skin oilier!!!!!!. every retinoid I've tried makes it oily. I feel like committing suicide. I would never do it but these thought are bothering me. I am a prisoner of my acne. I don't eat any diary or eggs, i don't eat fatty foods, I just want something to dry my skin out but it just makes it worse and oilier. Probably some inflammatory reaction, I am just so sick of all this. People don't understand the pain that comes with acne. I feel like whats left is accutane again. All the acne diets don't work for me, and the hormonal treatments that do somewhat  help make me want to commit suicide. I feel like there is no cure....... I had some good results with penicillin it took care of the cysts lightning fast. i was shocked but i can't take a heavy antibiotic forever it will ruin my body, nor will any doctor allow me to do that. my boyfriend who has been with me for 9 years  is sick of hearing about this acne stuff.  Acne is so physically painfull too... my face hurts.  I am just at the end of my rope. It sucks all the joy out of my life.  Make up won't cover it ,  drugs won't kill it. My mood is just so blah now, feel like a zombie walking around just trying to get through my day and errands, People tell me I'm cute , but  all i can see is hideous scars and huge cysts.  I would never kill myself but it really bothers me having these thoughts. Feel so hopeless.

  7. I've been on 50mg of Spiro for a month. Today, I take my 100mg dose for the first time. I haven't experienced any side effects really. My body is getting used to taking more water in. I take my Spiro at 5:45 pm with dinner or crackers everyday and haven't had any stomach upset. The one time I took it with a smoothie only I was pretty dizzy. I definitely see a HUGE difference. The deep lesions I had on my face are filling in and lightening up. I only got one new pimple this week (I am supposed to get my period either tomorrow or Sunday). I have been going make up free to run errands and most importantly I started going to the beach again!! I haven't been in almost 2 years because I was horrified of being bare faced. Obviously wearing a hat and using plenty of sun screen :) My routine is basically the same:
    AM- Birth control, cetaphil wash, cetaphil AM mousturizer with spf 30, aczone
    Dinner- spiro
    Before bed- cetaphil wash, cetaphil night cream, epiduo every other night

    Here's a photo :) Instasize_0429101040.jpg

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    So I thought I had been posting the last few days from my phone but turns out it wasn't working so I don't remember what all I said. Basically, I went to my derm and of course had account issues with ipledge. She kept me at 40mg kind of.... I am alternating taking 80mg (2 pills) and 40mg (1 pill) of Zenatane (so that switched too) she said alternating would help ease me into the symptoms. I am wondering if I will get a bad breakout from the upped dosage. She also said that if my lips crack or skin gets too dry to call her so she can call in prescription medicine for it so I don't suffer all month. How sweet is that!! Anyways, the inside of my nose is just really dry and my lips are starting to chap. Other than that nothing has been too extreme. I also started using Arbonne stuff for my face and it has helped a ton. I honestly think it is the only reason I haven't dried up like a fish out of water. I ordered their hydrating face mask for when I get super dry and I can't wait to see how it works! 

  8. Latest Entry

    Hello everyone, 

    It is now the fourth month and within the past 2 weeks I've broken out once, a combination of 3 whiteheads and one cyst. I am still taking 35mg/day twice a day. Overall, besides my recent breakout, I am truly beginning to see some real results! However, I'm not sure if it's the weather change or the accutane. Regardless, less acne makes me happy. 
    Based on my time so far on accutane, here's what I have to say about the drug:
    1. It HAS caused mood swings, I'm positive of it. Since I started the drug, my mood and behavior has changed slightly. Although, it may just be because since I'm on the drug, I pay a lot more attention to my acne and that makes me insecure. To be honest, I'm not sure which one it is but I can definitely say I've gotten more emotional since starting isotretinoin. 
    2. It's cleared my face so far, kind of, but it's caused damage to my arms. I have multiple dry spots all over my arms with radii ranging from 2cm to 4cm. I can understand that people might think, well that's probably because you're not moisturizing. But no, I make 100% sure that my skin is always hydrated, using a mixture of non-pore-clogging oils and moisturizers. 


  9. I haven't updated for ages, we've had a death in the family and this has kind of been the last thing on my mind :( .
    However with all the stress that I have been under recently I still have no breakouts where before the two things that would make my skin doubly bad were the time of the month and any stress.
    The main thing that i'm worried about at the moment is that my 15 year old son has over the last week or two been breaking out in big red I know that it is common especially in teenagers but I am just so petrified that it will not be just a brief teenage thing and that I have passed a gene on and he will be stuck with bad skin for life like me... I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy never mind the person that I love the most in the world :( 

  10. I was supposed to start taking spironolactone at the end of January per my dermatologist, but I had a cross-country road trip planned for that week. All I could imagine was having a negative reaction to medication and being trapped in Kansas with nothing in sight to help me except tumbleweeds. Seriously guys, there’s NOT A DAMN THING in Kansas.


    I had a follow-up visit scheduled with my dermatologist last week, but I pushed it back to May to give my spironolactone treatment more time to do its thang. As I said, my dermatologist is lovely and understanding, but she seems pretty pro-Accutane and I want to really exhaust all my options before I return to her. She was skeptical that spiro would help me significantly.

    So far, she’s sort of right.


    When I first started treatment, I knew from reading personal accounts that spiro takes at least a few months to really start making any visible changes. I told myself:


              “Kayla, don’t get frustrated. Don’t quit. You won’t magically wake up looking like Heidi Klum”

    And while I haven’t given up, I have been dejected. Even though I knew I wouldn’t see much difference until now, I’ve still been insanely impatient. I wanted to see a big change in my face. I wanted to wake up and go “HUH! NO MORE PIMPLES!”. I wanted people to start commenting on how good my progress was. But skin and treatment doesn’t work that way.


    There were a few moments where I thought I was just wasting precious time and maybe if I stopped spiro and started another treatment, I might have the clear face I always dreamed of by now .But that’s not logical and I kept my head up. I tried to look for any little progress I could. Sometimes I worry that I’m convincing myself that treatment is working. Honestly though, it really seems like it’s starting to kick in. It’s only been two months and some people say it takes anywhere between three to six months to notice major changes.



    So, here's my beautiful mug!



    Let's talk about what I've noticed personally.

    -Cystic acne has reduced DRAMATICALLY! I know it’s hard to tell from my before and after photos, but all of that red blotchiness in the top left photo is almost entirely cystic acne (hence the MISERABLE face I’m making). It was incredibly inflamed and painful. I couldn’t put on makeup or moisturize without wincing. I woke up with a new mountain on my face every day. They were deep, too. Now, I only have one seemingly cystic zit on my right cheek.


    -Redness has reduced…mostly. If you’ll notice the difference between my two bottom pictures, one side of my face is being a stubborn asshole. Since taking that picture a few days ago, I would say it has reduced in redness. In fact, my skin is more purple than red. Very hard to cover with makeup, so that sucks. But the thing is that back in February, those spots were actual puss filled white heads or black heads that were all grouped together to form one mega red pimple of death. Now, they’re all separate and 90% of them are just leftover marks or very small blackheads. The other side of my face (two  is noticeably lighter, which I’m very excited about.


    -Inflammation is down. Sort of goes along with cystic acne, but overall my face is much less inflamed. My texture is starting to even out and my skin is… flatter. The bumps are smaller and I have less of them.


    -New pimples are rare! This is one of the best changes I’ve noticed. Before treatment, I would wake up with at least two or three new whiteheads or bumps. I could see the cysts starting to form under my face and I knew I was in for a shitty week. Often, by lunchtime I would notice a new zit that wasn’t there when I woke up! It was frustrating and this still happened a month into spiro treatment. I thought in the least that’s what it was supposed to be helping with! Now that I’ve stuck it out, I realized a few weeks ago that I haven’t woken up with any honkers on my face. No big ole’ bumps or new white heads. New pimples have not stopped forming 100%, but I can tell that I’m mainly just suffering through the healing and cleanup of my breakout from November. Yes, my skin has AWFUL turnover.



    Today is my second day skipping out on full coverage makeup! It’s a big fricken deal, guys. Usually I cake on the foundation, concealer, and powder. Last two days, powder only. I know make up is bad for my skin and I do use a lightweight, matte/pore friendly foundation. But still…let’s be honest with ourselves. No makeup is good make up when you’re a pizza face. As all of you women know, it’s nearly impossible to resist the temptation of covering your acne. If I have the choice between being embarrassed and self conscious all day vs not, why would I choose humiliation?

    These last few days, I’ve decided I’m going to show off my skin and “let it breathe”. I came to this choice when my boyfriend’s parents came over for breakfast this weekend. I was running late (as is my pattern in life) so it was either greet them half naked or greet them without cover-up on. They are the sweetest people, so I said screw it. They love me for me. After realizing I survived and I only thought about my skin 20x instead of 1,000x like I thought I would, I decided to take this bravery to work.

     I’m not sure what it means in terms of overall progress. Maybe I’m just used to this face? I hope not. I hope my confidence is supported by actual results. I sure think it is. Either way, I feel good knowing that people are seeing my real skin and are still treating me the same. I can only look better from here on out—or at least I’m planning on it!




  11. Hello my people!  Hope everyone is doing well.  My apologies for not updating on here.  I made the choice to have my spiro blog elsewhere because as much as i love the majority of positive people here, the few that take pride in trolling make the whole experience a sour one for me.  If you're interested in my regular updates, just PM and I will send the link.  

    I am almost at the eighth month mark which makes the one year mark oh so close.  I started out with so much hope and expectations for this medication.  This truly was my last resort and frankly, when the the time comes to call it quits, there is nothing new on the market to try.  With that said, i have hit another dead end.........again.  Eight months is plenty and while i see improvement that cycles from decent to bad, there is no consistency whatsoever.  I honestly feel disappointed.  Disappointed in myself for caring so much and placing my hope in something that in essence means very little.  I'm disappointed that i let such a small thing bother me so much and most of all, I am disappointed that at almost 33, i am still emotionally in turmoil as if i were 16 again.

    But like what big girls do, i brush myself off, pull on my big girl panties and prepare to move forward.  If anything, this whole experience (all 16 years and counting) will make me resiliant so at least there is that.

    On a non related acne note, I am in the process of looking for my first home!  Very exciting time indeed.  I put in for an offer which seems like the sellers want to wring every penny out of me, put no house is worth me being poor so if they're not wanting to be reasonable, they can keep it.

    Anyway....thanks for listening

  12. This is my 57 day update and I have a tendency to pop the black heads on my checks so it looks like I'm breaking out but really I just cause the spots my self. The black heads are just so large and look pop able but it always looks worse after. Oh well. I have about 5 active pimples and my face just feels a lot cleaner , not really less greasy yet but healthier and happier. I can tell it's going somewhere, which makes me very happy. Starting month 3 soon and hoping my blood tests come out better this time so they can finally up my dosage from 20mg to 30 mg which I was unable to do last month because of blood test results. Everyday is journey but we're all in this together , I try to remind my self of that. image.jpeg

  13. Latest Entry

    Hey everyone! So I've been on retin a and clindamycin for about ten days now and I'm starting to get that ever so dreaded initial breakout :( the breakout is consisting of a very itchy patchy area of tiny pimples. Not any big ones so that's good I guess? I hope this goes away soon ugh! Oh side note , yesterday I started oral antibiotics for a "girl" infection if you know what I mean... Lol so I'll be on that medication for about three days and I'm kinda hoping it helps my acne too ..


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    Hello acne. org! My name is Daniela and this is my acne journey....Long story short...promise! I had mild acne on my forehead when I was in middle school then cleared up in the beginning of high school and stayed clear til I was 23. In 2014 I started getting huge cystic/lesion looking bumps in my right cheek out of nowhere. I couldn't pop them which added stress in my life :( I went to a dermatologist, got a cortisone injection on them and vanished for 3 months then returned and got more cortisone injections and vanished. Now, in the summer of 2015 I got a lesion once again but had no health insurance so I tried ALL the home remedies, face washes, facials, all the antibiotics that exist ( went to my universities student clinic for basic check ups ) and nothing worked. Finally got insurance this year and dermatologist determined I needed isotretinoin. I got two more cortisone injections that cleared the lesion but this time was left with a huge red rash on my cheek. Dermatologist hopes for it to clear with isotretinoin. She started me with 30 far this is my progress. I started on April 8, 2016; I will post pictures of my cheek every two weeks. So far after close to a month of being on Myorisan, I have experienced super dry lips, itchy scalp and some minor pealing on my cheek. Other than that I am feeling great :) Will keep you guys posted every two weeks. First picture is day 1 ( April 8) and the second is on April 22

    April 8.JPG

    April 22.JPG

  14. So finally after 8 months I am acne free! I hope this is the last time I take accutane. This has been my second time. While I have no pimples, I have lots of scaring and little holes from popping pimples before. Hopefully the scars fade and later on I can get something done about these little deeper scars holes. I finished accutane about 5 days ago. I still have a bit of dry lips and my hair still isn't oily. Maybe within a week I'll go back to being oily as usual. I definely feel better now and more confident. 

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    I got my first pimple when I was in fourth grade. I didn't wear makeup, and I was horrified. All my friends still had clear baby skin - what was happening to me? Over ten years later, I still suffer from moderate to severe acne. This condition affects my self esteem and social interactions, even when I try not to let it. I've tried so many treatment plans and I do absolutely everything I can to prevent acne. 

    Last week, I started a new regimen prescribed by my dermatologist. This is my last effort to clear my acne before taking extreme measures (Accutane). I am currently using Beyaz birth control, Cera-Ve face cleanser in the morning, Epiduo Forte gel at night, Avar cleanser at night, and Minocycline pill at night. I will be updating this blog over the next few months as my skin hopefully begins to improve.

    I'm currently on day 4 of this new treatment. So far, I have experienced a burning sensation and my skin is both red and peeling. However, I understand that these side effects are completely normal. 

    I would love to hear from anyone who has tried the same medicines and had success, or from anyone who understands what I'm going through. Thank you for your support! 

  15. I have now been using the regimen for five weeks!
    Here is what's up: 
    Before I started:
    I had twenty to forty active zits on my face. The majority of these zits were cystic, very painful and were resulting in scarring. 

    After Week One:
    I noticed a little bit of improvement. The acne I had seemed to be clearing faster than normal, however, I was still breaking out. 

    After Week Three:
    I got down to 10 active zits on my face, this is an all time low for me! Lowest in years!
    I did still have a fair amount of marks, non-active zits that take weeks to heal. 

    Also, I was expecting to see a lot of flaking and peeling from the benzol peroxide, and never did. I believe it is because I moisturize liberally. Many people with acne are afraid to moisturize, especially those with oily skin (like me.)  But remember, Oily skin is a result of your skin trying to moisturize itself. If you begin to regularly moisturize, your skin will eventually recognize it no longer needs to produce excess amounts of sebum. Long story short, I moisturize morning and night!

    After Week Five:
    Tomorrow marks the beginning of week six for me. As of right now, I have no active zits. In the course of five weeks, i went from 20-40 (more than one new zit per day) active zits on my face at all times, down to ten and then down to zero. 
    I used to jump out of bed every morning to check in the mirror to see what the damage was for the day, and now I can happily check and see that nothing has happened!

    Currently I have a lot of healing red scarring. In the image it may look like acne, but in real life it's all sooth and healing red marks.  I have not yet started using the glycolic acid as reccomended in the regimen, but I am going to be starting very soon to help the scarring. 

    So! From here, I plan to continue very DILIGENTLY using the regimen. Morning, night, with gentle love and care! 
    IMG_0892.JPGWeek  ThreeIMG_0893.JPGWeek ThreeIMG_0931.JPGWeek FourIMG_0932.JPGWeek FourIMG_0933.JPGWeek FourIMG_0949.JPGToday, Week FiveIMG_0950.JPGWeek FiveIMG_0951.JPGWeek FiveIMG_0952.JPGWeek Five

  16. Latest Entry

    No dramatic results yet, but it is still early.

    I thought my acne was improving the last couple weeks but then today I got two really gross inflamed, pus-filled pimples on my jawline that just got bigger throughout the day and did a number on my self esteem. :/ I have been pretty good about not picking or squeezing my blemishes lately (which may partly explain why my skin looked better) but I could not help myself from getting rid of these. Personally, I'd rather have a couple small red marks than nasty pus-filled pimples on my face. Also, they seem to heal faster when I pick them (though the acne does seem to spread more so it is sort of a vicious circle).

    Yeah, so no miracles, but no complete tragedies either. Besides the two pimples today that kind of got me down, my mood has been exceptionally good lately. So yay, no weird moodiness or depression from the pill! :D 

    Even if it doesn't end up helping with my acne I will likely continue using TriNessa as birth control.

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    So I started tazorac and I wanted to document my progress or if it gets worse. I've been on tazorac for a week now and my forehead has broken out tremendously but I've read reviews and read that it's suppose to appear worse before it gets better. 

  17. This time I found out Dermalogica intensive moisture balance is breaking me out. I used it with safflower oil as I thought I would like to add some humectants and some other anti aging ingredients from Dermalogica moisturizer to the oil. I was wrong... acne start to flare up again... Thankfully, it's not as bad.. 

    I will only use my faithful safflower oil from now on.. 

    I got Rhassoul Clay from mountain rose. Tried it as mask once. I liked it so for. 

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    I just need to vent. My skin has controlled me for so long, it's played such a toll on my self esteem. My self-confidence has always been so low, for all of my life. I remember a therapist last year asking m why I let it control me so much, and to think back to anything in my past that could have affected this and my insanely low self-worth. At the time I just ignored the question, I mean... a therapist couldn't help me clear my skin, right? However... recently, while i've been looking back, I've realised just how long I've felt inadequate and different.

    I'm a small guy. I always have been. Right now I stand at 5 foot 4 inches. I remember ever since I was five and joined primary school I was always the shortest, and I always got mocked for it. I was called a midgit and a dwarf. I used to get so upset...I would come home crying because I hated how small I was compared to my peers. Imagine a fucking seven year old kid coming home crying because they hated their image...

    I remember one time my teacher actually lifted me up onto the table and, with me standing on the table infront of him, he laughed infront of the class at how I /still/ wasn't as tall as him. It was something I hated. I even went to a doctor about it when I was around 13/14 and had some kind of injection in my butt every month to try and help me grow to the tallest I could be. This is a kid acually having medication to change his image because he felt different.

    Eventually I went through primary and secondary school being called small, and just having to deal wth it. After I went to a dance college to persue my passion for performing. I trained day and night, but again...the small factor always lived up to its name, but this time along with other stuff. I was told I was too skinny, too small. A ballet teacher once made me and another guy (who was very muscular) do a certain excercise - and I did it better...but guess what? Even proving myself wasn't enough. The teacher turns around to the muscular guy and goes "He jumped higher than you, and look at the size of /him/ compared to you."

    I think the low point came when I was told I was too skinny and short to work by an agent. I would cry constanty. I wouldn't get cast in anything or any roles because of my height and looks throughout my  training. the small thing in primary/secondary school, I pushed through it and graduated. I ended up getting some nice jobs and working, finally getting over the small thing...heck, I actually ENJOY being small now. I've gotten all of my jobs BECAUSE I'm small, and I've had some fantastic work....I learnt to love  myself.

    And then my skin flared up. Bad. It came up after a very bad and stressful time in my life, and has persisted and goten worse ever since. Sure...I don't have the most severe acne in the world, but it's bad. I cry everyday, I've written a suicide note before in the past. I have seb derm on my cheeks/nose, and acne and scarring on my face, back and neck. My face is the worst and, after a failed course of roaccutane, I am now at a loss. Nothing ever seems to work.

    I don't know how much lower my self-worth can get. I've hated myself since I was 5 fucking years old, and have always been told how different I was from everyone else. You'd think God or someone would give me a break. Just let me live my life. I want to just look in the mirror and feel contempt. When my accutane cleared me I was ecstatic. I was back to the person I was meant to be...and then it all came back.

    My skin has controlled me, it's destroyed so many factors in my life. I'd be a completely different person if it wasnt for my skin. I never go out, I never see anyone. I'm fed up of looking in the mirror and just hating myself. No-one else seems to have it around me. I know people who do hardcore drugs but still have flawless skin.

    One year ago today I was on accutane and hopeful. Now, here I am, one year later hysterically crying into my laptop as I type out this fucking miserable post.

    I don't think I could pray any harder.