Beender20

Okay so an update! Well it's been a little while now since I've started using baking soda instead of toothpaste and it's definitely reduced the amount of breakouts around my mouth. So yeah that's good. Still a few pimple forming on cheeks and neck and stuff but not bad. I turned 18 last week and it was a downer to wake up to acne. I think I'm getting uglier as I get older when really it's the opposite. The lack of any female hook ups of any sort has made me really self conscious about everything. I'd alcohol for my birthday and sure enough I broke out a little on my chin. (partly because I spilled a bit of a beer on my mouth). Red marks are improving but still look shit to me. I'm starting the exams that'll define my life on the 6th of June so stress is through the roof. Less sleep etc. Plus I can't put as much focus into my skin. In Ireland they say Leaving Cert year is the hardest year of your life and tbh I hope thats true. I'm really really sick of life. I broke down in front of my dad the other day because I maintain I've nothing in life. He tried to re assure me but in one way he knows that I'm depressed. Then I said probably the cruelest thing ever (regret it now) when I told him if I don't get my course for college I'm going to kill myself. I wish I was joking but I'm not. I hate myself for spilling that on him. He's done so much for me and has always backed me when I fucked up. I cried because I owe him and my mom so much and I can't pay them back. It doesn't make sense anymore. Life doesn't seem real to me anymore. They say when you're depressed you start to lose the sense of touch and certain emotions and I think it's happening to me. I was with all my friends and classmates in school there a few days back and they were all happy and shit and making the most of our last days together and I was like lost... I'd very little emotion or anything. Now I'm in bits. I regret it so much that I didn't get involved that day. Even the kids who're less popular and confident than me seemed like giants compared to me. Then one of my friends said that I'm not myself. Honestly I wanted to cry. I just said it's pressure from exams but it's not just that. I've lost it as a human being. I dunno whats up. I know this has nothing to do with acne but this seems to be the only place I can express how I feel. How sad right? Okay see yeaas. Pray for me I'll pray for you

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