35 replies to this topic

[Iarephel]

I had recently wrote MartinaL this in her topic:

Last night I found out there is hope....I was talking to my bf on the phone and I told him I couldn't see him because I was sick, which is true. But also I haven't seen him in 3 weeks because I have been coming up with excuses since my face looks awful. I took a shower right after I got off the phone with him, and started crying. I wanted to see him but I didn't know what he would think. Right when I got out, there was a knock at the door. I was like crap, I hope that is not my boyfriend. I couldn't even begin to imagine the humilulation if he saw me like this since he's never seen me without makeup, let alone with my face this bad. So as pathetic as it was, I didn't answer the door. Then my phone rang. My roommate answers it and hands it to me...it was my bf telling me to go answer the door. I had no choice so I opened the door and he had a bottle of wine and flowers for me. I couldn't believe it. But he didn't care about my acne and being sick. We ended up having wonderful night, and to think I could have missed out on it!

This is going to be lots of bitching and long...but I can't even sleep and I need an outlet. That above paragraph happened three days ago. Last night, my boyfriend called me up, and he was sorta drunk from being at the bar. He kept teasing me, and before I know it he told me, "All women are crazy and cause problems. And they cheat and they lie." That was just so out of the blue and I couldn't figure out whether he was too drunk to realize what he was saying or if he was teasing or something. But I was definately furious over that. I would never cheat on him, or anyone for that matter and I don't lie to him. And how the heck do I have such power to cause all of his problems? I suddenly have some super hero power? So I said back to him, "What?! Not all women are crazy and cause problems! Do you think I cause your problems?" He told me, "You are all of my problems" Now I'm in complete shock. He's never said anything like this to me before. So I asked him, "Then why are you in a relationship with me if I cause your all of your problems?" He said flatly back, "Well I'm not anymore."

I was in complete utter shock, and hung up. Was this the same guy that told me two days before he loved me and would always be there for me? Something just didn't make sense. I know when he hangs out with this one guy friend of his, he plants these ideas in his head that I cheat on him. And I just get this creepy crawly feeling when I'm around him. I almost wonder if his friend thinks I was taking my ex's time away from him so he was trying to break us up. Well actually there are several people that was trying to break us up. ( two friends of his that are girls think they can get rid of me and have him. I know it sounds very soap operaish...but I guess that is another story)

A few minutes later he text messages me, "You just broke up with me right?" Now I'm really confused. I wasn't the one that broke up with him. I just asked him why he was in a relationship with me. So I tried to call him to talk to him, but he wouldn't pick up...so I texted him I'm coming over to talk, but by the time I got there he had left. When I told him I was there, he text messages me "I just need to cool off". So I ask him back if I should wait to talk to him. He said he would give me a call, then never does. I have never done this before and this is rather humilulating, but I sat in his driveway in my car waiting for a phone call back or something. I got nothing. Finally I gave up like an hour or so later and went home. And I guess that is the end of our relationship.

I thought the ending of my last relationship was confusing, but this one takes the cake. That was so out of nowhere and I thought we were doing well. I spent all night crying, and I have no motivation to do anything. Of coarse on top over everything my face is not looking its greatest. I just don't understand how he can tell me he loves me and will be there for me...but can throw everything away so easily. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother dating because it hurts so much. Thanks for anyone listening to my bitching.

[adultAcne]

Well, you sorta asked for it. He was saying that you were making things hard on him, whether that was right or wrong, yall could have talked that out. But, then you said that relationship killer, "then why are you with me then?" That's such an ultimatum and I don't know why so many girls say that shit. You're in the middle of trying to work things out and you get that response which is basically saying "how dare you have ANYTHING to compain about me! take it or leave it! go ahead and break-up with me, I dare you!" He was WITH you because he CARED about you, you silly girl!!!!!!!!! Jesus Christ!

Then, on top of that, you look at the negative and let it overshadow the positive. The fact is that he DID show up with flowers and wine at your door when you needed it... when you were sick. WTF, I guess you would rather have a guy that didn't give a shit. And he knew that you weren't answering the damn door. How the hell do you think that made him feel????

Then, you say that you never lie to him, but you already admited that you had been making excuses to not see him because of your acne. Well, you should have just been honest with him, because after two or three weeks of not seeing him, what the hell do you think he's going to think? Then you won't answer the door? Do you really think you didn't contribute to any problems?

[JulietteR]

I don't think you necessarily said anything wrong. Adultacne mentioned that you could have talked things out, but if he was drunk at a bar I doubt if you guys could have had a very productive conversation. Based on his actions just a few days ago (the wine, flowers, etc) it would appear that he cares about you. However, he might be confused over your reluctance to be with him the past few weeks. He may be imagining that you don't like him or that you are seeing someone else. If he has friends that would like for you two to break up, they may be adding fuel to the fire. My assessment is that he was probably thinking some or all of these things, he went out with a friend who said things to support these fears, and on top of all that, he got drunk. He called you and predictably, the conversation deteriorated into what you are assuming is a breakup. That may or may not be true. If he is a reasonable person, I would think you two could meet (when you're both sober) and talk about what happened. You may have to explain your fears about your skin, which will be hard, I know. I don't think making excuses about why you don't want to see him is "lying" per se. I tend to think of lying as having some sort of evil intention. However, your avoidance of him has probably been hurtful and for that reason, I think you should explain. And not to sound trite, but if, in the end, it doesn't work out with this guy there will always, always be someone else.

[Iarephel]

Please let me explain myself- I just wanted talk about what happened. I didn't mean that I didn't cause any problems. I wanted to know why he was with me. I know I shouldn't have asked him that, but I was so angry that he thought I caused all of his problems. Or even indicate that I would cheat on him or think I was crazy. I wasn't trying to dare him. At least consciously I wasn't. To be honest I thought he would explain the positive reasons why he was with me. I realized now that backfired. When I tried to talk to him again it was to explain that wasn't what I meant and that I was sorry about that. Also to understand why he thought I caused all of his problems.
Why I make excuses not to see him the past three weeks? Because I'm embarrassed to see him. Not because I don't care about him. I told him why already on tuesday and that was the first time I did that to avoid him. But I also couldn't see him most of those three weeks anyways because I was out of town and sick! Before that, usually he was the one making excuses not to see me, or doesn't call me. One time he went an entire month without seeing me because he says he needs some time alone...I said fine I'll give you your space. That was the first time he ever brought wine over like that. While yes I was overjoyed that he did that and it showed that he cared...but most of the time our relationship is pretty distant and mostly physical. Basically we see each other when it is convient for him, which is like once every two weeks. So me adding another week to that I didn't think was a big deal.

[adultAcne]

I don't think you necessarily said anything wrong.  Adultacne mentioned that you could have talked things out, but if he was drunk at a bar I doubt if you guys could have had a very productive conversation. 

Hmmm, here's a thought. How about talking about it the next day!!! LOL

I don't think making excuses about why you don't want to see him is "lying" per se. 

Of course that's true, but allowing someone to suffer in a state of doubt and unknowing isn't very nice, is it? The fact is that it WAS a lie, and it caused problems that should have been foreseable (sp?). There is no way around that. She is totally responsible. I'm not saying she's a bad person, and life isn't fair and I understand that she was trying to avoid letting him know about her hidden acne, but I think she sort of sabbotaged the relationship at the end. There is a part of her that wants it to end becuase it's too stressful. I'm sorry for being so blunt, but there are plenty here that will take the role of coddling her and I play the other role of trying to be objective as possible. It all balances out in the end.

[adultAcne]

Please let me explain myself- I just wanted talk about what happened. I didn't mean that I didn't cause any problems. I wanted to know why he was with me. I know I shouldn't have asked him that, but I was so angry that he thought I caused all of his problems. Or even indicate that I would cheat on him or think I was crazy. I wasn't trying to dare him. At least consciously I wasn't. To be honest I thought he would explain the positive reasons why he was with me. I realized now that backfired. When I tried to talk to him again it was to explain that wasn't what I meant and that I was sorry about that. Also to understand why he thought I caused all of his problems.
Why I make excuses not to see him the past three weeks? Because I'm embarrassed to see him. Not because I don't care about him. I told him why already on tuesday and that was the first time I did that to avoid him. But I also couldn't see him most of those three weeks anyways because I was out of town and sick! Before that, usually he was the one making excuses not to see me, or doesn't call me. One time he went an entire month without seeing me because he says he needs some time alone...I said fine I'll give you your space. That was the first time he ever brought wine over like that. While yes I was overjoyed that he did that and it showed that he cared...but most of the time our relationship is pretty distant and mostly physical. Basically we see each other when it is convient for him, which is like once every two weeks. So me adding another week to that I didn't think was a big deal.

Hehe, boy, these things are never easy. Yes, you don't need advice. There are too many details to be revealed before anyone could give any advice. Sorry, you only needed to vent. I wasn't trying to be judgemental. It's just that that "then why are you with me" question hit a nerve in me. I hope it all works out for the best!

[Iarephel]

Thanks JulietteR, yes I do need to try and talk to him again. And adultacne, before you continue your critique of our relationship, maybe you could realize that you don't know everything about it. Such as, he is usually the one making excuses not to see me. And one week of those three weeks, he couldn't see me either. I think that is unfair to say I am completely responsible. It takes two people to make any relationship to work.

[Iarephel]

Hehe, boy, these things are never easy. Yes, you don't need advice. There are too many details to be revealed before anyone could give any advice. Sorry, you only needed to vent. I wasn't trying to be judgemental. It's just that that "then why are you with me" question hit a nerve in me. I hope it all works out for the best! smile.gif

Thank you!

[Psychocandy]

Adultacne; Well, the bf was drunk and also blaming her for all his problems, so perhaps you should have taken that into consideration before going on and on about whatever it was you were saying.

I wish you the best of luck, Iarephel.

[adultAcne]

Adultacne; Well, the bf was drunk and also blaming her for all his problems, so perhaps you should have taken that into consideration before going on and  on about whatever it was you were saying.

I don't understand. You mean it's not possible for him to currently at this time not have any other problems except with his current relationship? You don't know anymore than I do. At any rate, I already apologized. So, you scolding me now is obviously an attempt at a sucker punch. Very mature. Pat yourself on the back for that one.

[Psychocandy]

I think you over-reacted. And that is pretty obvious from what I wrote. If you do not like people disagreeing with you do not post here. Also, please refrain from personal insults as it will lead to banning. Consider yourself warned.

[adultAcne]

I think you over-reacted.  And that is pretty obvious from what I wrote.

Again! I already apologized to her HOURS ago and it was OVER. Now you are bringing it up again and trying to make a big stink out of something that was water under the bridge. Seems like you are trying to instigate something.

If you do not like people disagreeing with you do not post here.

??????? What are you talking about???!!!???

Also, please refrain from personal insults as it will lead to banning. Consider yourself warned.

Haha, you're warning me for something I didn't do. That's pretty funny! I'm the one who should be insulted if I actually took you seriously.

I see what you are trying to do. You are trying to provoke me into flaming you. Well, I won't do it and I haven't flamed anyone since I've been here. I may disagree with folks now and then and I'm a little opinionated, but I challenge you to show where I ever been mean spirited.

As a moderator, you should be impartial and not abuse your power or try to intimidate anyone with it. Just relax.

[Psychocandy]

You're absolutely dramatising this - I was merely stating my opinion which I have every right to. If you have a problem with how I moderate please contact Dan.

You were mean-spirited in the "very mature. and pat myself on the back"-comment towards me and that is why I advise you to stop the personal insults.

[Psychocandy]

And one more thing - if you wish to continue this please do so through PM.

[adultAcne]

You're absolutely dramatising this - I was merely stating my opinion which I have every right to. If you have a problem with how I moderate please contact Dan.

You were mean-spirited in the "very mature. and pat myself on the back"-comment towards me and that is why I advise you to stop the personal insults.

Well, I thought you were mean-spirited by repremanding me for something that I had already apologised for. But, I will go to my corner and take a time-out... and use my indoor voice too.

[Psychocandy]

I was not. There is no insult in my initial post.

Let's get the thread back on track now.

[MartinaL]

Please let me explain myself- I just wanted talk about what happened. I didn't mean that I didn't cause any problems. I wanted to know why he was with me. I know I shouldn't have asked him that, but I was so angry that he thought I caused all of his problems. Or even indicate that I would cheat on him or think I was crazy. I wasn't trying to dare him. At least consciously I wasn't. To be honest I thought he would explain the positive reasons why he was with me. I realized now that backfired. When I tried to talk to him again it was to explain that wasn't what I meant and that I was sorry about that. Also to understand why he thought I caused all of his problems.
Why I make excuses not to see him the past three weeks? Because I'm embarrassed to see him. Not because I don't care about him. I told him why already on tuesday and that was the first time I did that to avoid him. But I also couldn't see him most of those three weeks anyways because I was out of town and sick! Before that, usually he was the one making excuses not to see me, or doesn't call me. One time he went an entire month without seeing me because he says he needs some time alone...I said fine I'll give you your space. That was the first time he ever brought wine over like that. While yes I was overjoyed that he did that and it showed that he cared...but most of the time our relationship is pretty distant and mostly physical. Basically we see each other when it is convient for him, which is like once every two weeks. So me adding another week to that I didn't think was a big deal.

Reading your story just broke my heart because it gave me so much hope, from what it sounds like, this is not your fault..i dont know of the past..but of that night alone...it was not your fault...the things he said you you were uncalled for, you can have a decent conversation without blaming someone else for all of your problems, thatcan just make someone feel like the biggest shit ever, especially if its by someone you care about...and who was he to just call you and dump all of that on you...probably cause he was drunk, but even then..it was still incredibly harsh.....even if you did anything to him, there is no reason for himto say those things...at..alll!!!!!....hun, i really hope whatever happens in the near future makes you feel better...if thats the person he really is..to say you are the cause of all of his problems....(!!!??)....then you dont nee anyone like that at all...and it''s his loss....stay strong babe...you deserve it

[Iarephel]

Psychocandy and MartinaL...thank you so much for the support. I'm hoping things will work out for the best too.

[ayla]

Oh my good lord...

My heart is breaking for you. *HUGS* I am so sorry. What an ass, no offense, but those were incredibly cruel things to have said to you. I completely disagree w/Adultacne. You asked legitimate questions because you were genuinely confused by his erratically fluctuating emotions and actions.

Whatever his problem is, it wasn't you. At least you know now, you can deal with it and move on. I know that's hard, but there is a better guy out there, who will love you unconditionally, and not abuse your trust & love.

*OBNOXIOUSLY LARGE, LONG BEAR HUG*

Ayla
XXOO