Home
0
I am trying to restart my life but am finding it difficult. I have basically got by the last few years by holding everything in, trying to ‘pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself’ as well as keeping busy. But this just doesn’t seem to be working anymore and I’m just so tired of feeling the way I do. I feel so drained and empty and don’t seem to find enjoyment in anything. I’ve accepted that I’ll have acne for life - whether this is the case or not I’m just fed up with fighting a losing battle. I’ve never told anyone how I feel, f**k it telling the whole world via a message boards got to be better than seeing someone face to face and explaining you’re a total loser!
I seem unable to shift my acne for any sustained period of time and in the past I have managed to overcome my loneliness and unhappiness a number of ways mainly keeping myself busy through sports, bodybuilding as well as hitting the books pretty hard. The only good thing about acne I can see is that because it affected my social life so much, I had plenty of time to study. In July I will graduate from one of the top universities in the UK and have a good job lined up. Don’t get me wrong - I’m not bragging. I would give all this up in a second to have been able to live my teenage and uni life like a normal person.
I know acne is not the only cause of my current mental state but I feel it is the main one given that much of the bullying I experienced when I was younger was related to my acne. Over the past few years I have had brief spells where I would say I was genuinely happy, mostly when my acne disappeared for a bit, but for the main I would say as long as I remember I have suffered from low self-esteem, self hate, depression and anxiety.
These problems mean I’ve never really had a relationship with a girl and am generally regarded as the shy and quiet guy who doesn’t talk that much. I feel my head is pretty messed up in this area as I keep getting asked why I don't have a stream of girls knocking down my door as 'ive got everything going for me'. Doesn't feel like that from where i'm standing.
One of the few times I ventured out to a bar recently I was buying a drink when some girl started talking to me. When I sat down my friend asked why I 'didn't make a move'. It was like I was totally oblivious to her displaying interest in me. Because I have little self esteem its difficult for me to comprehend anyone else finding me attractive.
I could carry on listing my problems but I would wager your probably bored of my boring sob story by now.
I apologise for my lengthy post and would welcome any advice.
