4 replies to this topic

[Dipthong]

I just kind of feel like writing about this, even though I'm sure you've all heard it all before. This will be long.

Back in my middle school years, I moved to a new big town from a small country town. So many new people, a lot of new friends. It was 7th grade, and it was my adjustment to a whole new world. People acted different, a lot more liberal I guess you could say.

The first year went by great, I made a lot of friends and all of the girls thought I was hot. They didn't like me though because I came across as a stoner.

Well, 8th grade came. My style changed a bit, but all my friends remained the same and I even added a few more people to the ship. I looked good, and I knew I looked good. Albeit, I can look back now and I never really noticed how young I looked at the time, but the girls liked me. I didn't really exploit the opportunity to have a girlfriend though -- as you all know, back in middle school, it was "bros before hoes."

8th grade was, at the time, the best school year of my life. Back then my favorite band was Blink 182, and I can listen to some of the songs now and it's just like a blast from the past. If I ever want to recognize the nostalgia of 8th grade, all I have to do is put one of their CD's in.

At the end of 8th grade, one of my friends told me about this game called Everquest. I'd always been interested in computers, but I had a crappy one at the time, so I didn't really spend all that much time on it. Well, eventually, my mom bought a new computer before the school year was over and I subscribed to the game.

Summer-time came and all I would do is play Everquest. Hours on end, day after day. Over the summer, my face started breaking out a little bit.

I lived in a really nice neighborhood (still living there today), and all of the popular people from school lived there, too. We'd usually always hang out and just have genuine fun. Well, because of Everquest, I was always in my basement playing it, and my skin also turned really pale. One of the girls that liked me wanted to hang out, and I turned it down because I knew I looked like shit.

I wasn't active at all, I'd just sit down in front of my computer and play Everquest -- at least that took my mind off my face.

I went the entire summer without speaking to any of my friends, not even on AIM.

That first step into school was daunting. I never really saw how pale I was until someone came up to me and pointed it out. I lost all of my friends because of lack of interaction throughout the summer. They all looked at me and thought I was a loser, and my personality changed also. I felt like a recluse -- I was a recluse.

I didn't go to parties, I didn't hang out with people; I'd just go home and play Everquest because that was the only place I felt safe from criticism, and the only place I didn't have to worry about my acne.

I used to be really ambitious, and I had an apathy for what people thought of me. I could go out and make an ass of myself and I wouldn't care at all since I had that mentality that I looked good, and it was reinforced by people telling me that I looked good. When those attractive features degenerated, I didn't have anything to fall back on. So I became very quiet, and I started getting anxious in front of people.

I would walk down the hallways with my face down, I would never look people in the face when I talked to them, and I just never really spoke much or participated in class. I always tried to sit in back, and when it came to group projects, I'd opt to work alone.

At least I always had that other world to go to every night for social interaction, since I had no real life friends anymore.

9th grade ended, and summer came. I tried my hardest to clear my face up. I tried to go out as much as I could to at least work up some kind of tan. I couldn't even force myself to stay outside for more than 10 minutes. I just couldn't think of anything to do, and I'd soon find myself getting bored and running back inside to play Everquest.

Well, 10th grade came, and I cleared my face up a little bit, but then my face broke out again within the second week of school.

All I could think about was: man I'm the stereotypical loser. I have braces, acne, glasses, and no friends, and in my spare time I'd be hunched over in my chair staring into my computer monitor.

It really hurt walking down the hallways. All I'd see were people that I used to be best friends with, yet not one word spoken from their mouth to my ears. I soon learned that just blankly staring in front of me and ignoring everything around me made me feel better, but made me more of a recluse.

I tried to sit down at the table with the kid that got me into Everquest, and all he'd do is make fun of me. He'd make fun of me for playing the game so much, and for having no friends. He'd tell me the only reason I sat at the table is because I had no where else to go because I had no friends. The reality of it all was that it was just true, and that's what hurt the most.

When it came time to get school pictures, I just told my teacher that I'd wait for retakes because I was getting my braces off. In reality, I was really getting my braces off, but it I was never self-concious about them. I didn't get my picture taken because of my face.

Well, April came, and I worked up the will to cancel my Everquest subscription. That was the number one thing that helped me, socially. It made me expand what I'd do in my free time, and made me interact with people more.

That was the end of 10th grade, and summer was finally there. I was so happy again because now it was a chance to try to clean myself up over the summer so I could come back and feel good about myself again and make back my old friends. It was going to be junior year after all.

It was no different than the last summer, except two people started hanging out with me. They were the people that broke me out of my basement, I guess you could say. I only hung out with them every once in a great while, maybe once a month. But it'd be something I'd look forward to.

Junior year started, my face was clear, I managed to absorb enough sun over the summer to give me a light tan. The first week was awesome, I felt like I could socialize more, I had people to sit with at lunch and talk to.

A week later, it was time for junior-year pictures. My face broke out a little, but it wasn't bad. From there, it just got worse and worse. I still started hanging out with my only two friends more, though, and started talking to yet another person, that I was friends with before, again.

We had first hour together and it was fun at first. Then we just had a personality conflict. He'd criticize me and tell me that I had a hook-nose or something, or make fun of me for having no friends or for being so pale.

Well, I didn't have a hook-nose, I don't even know how he came up with that, but it made me a little more self-concious about myself.

When Christmas break came, I was so happy because I got a 2-week cushion to try to clear my face up a little more. It did a little bit, and I hung out with my two friends even more over break, so it was a pretty good time.

School came back in session, and my face broke out a little more. So I asked my mom to buy me some Neutragena products. That fact that they were for clearing up acne made me feel confident about using them, but they broke my face out really bad. I kept using them, regardless of that though, just out of frustration. I'd get really hysterical when I applied them, just wishing for my skin to get better.

Eventually, I went to the dermatologist. I was so embarrassed at first because when you walk in there and sit down, all of the other patients could see what you were there for.

Luckily, the dermatologist, who's a woman, was really nice and funny. She gave me perscriptions, and I felt really good. Not only did I get stuff for my face that would clear me up, but I also got my driver's license that same day too... three months after I turned 17 (I was too much of a recluse to take driver's ed before I was 16). At first, I was a bit pessimistic, but I applied the medicine anyway. A week later, I was so happy when I saw that it was finally clearing up. The red marks started to fade, I felt great! Then my face started to flake from my skin being so dry. I eventually took care of the problem, but I had to deal with being made fun of by some guy that I used to be friends with before.

We came back from one of the high school state tournaments that my school was playing in and I asked him for six dollars that he owed me, and I was with the two people that befriended me earlier in the year over the summer. His only words were to me, "dude, look at your face. That's so bad, you look like shit."

My heart sunk. I didn't say a single word after that, I just wanted to go home to punch myself in the face and scream.

My sister treated me like shit and would never let me use the car. So I'd have to walk home from school sometimes. I couldn't ask people for rides because not only did I not have any friends, except the two guys, I didn't have the ability to just go up to people and ask for things. I was too self-concious about my face.

Well, my face cleared up a lot after that. Then probably one of the best things that could happen did. It changed everything for me. It was two weeks before summer, and it was perfect timing. I finally had a chance to hang out with people again. My face was clear enough that I felt I could go out into public. I had the car because my sister moved out to go to college (she had just graduated high school). It was finally time for senior year.

Over the summer, my self-confidence skyrocketed. I felt like I was on top the world. I enlisted in the Army, started to get physically active. I partied every weekend, and I made so many friends.

Senior year had finally came, I walked through school with a nice tan on my skin, nice bulk in my muscles. I was in shape from joining the cross-country team. My face so clear, all of the girls thought I was hot. I had no social-anxiety whatsoever.

I finally found my niche of friends, and I could just mingle inbetween groups of people with no problem.

A lot of girls that I hung out with on the weekends would compliment me a lot and it made me feel so good. I'd gone through all of those years of reclusion thinking I was so ugly when I wasn't. When I had my senior pictures taken, the photographer said I could easily be a male model because I had the right posture, face-structure, and jaw-line for it. Then a lot of the girls I hung out with that modeled told me the same thing.

Cross-country ended, and I felt great. I felt healthy, I looked healthy -- I just plain felt good with and about myself. Over the course of the sport, I eased off my medicine. Right after the season ended, my face broke out again. Not terribly, but enough to bother me. I'd just look in the mirror and get really frustrated. Then Christmas break, not only did I turn 18, but I just probably had the best two weeks of down-time ever. My face cleared up a little bit, then about six weeks into school again, into the new semester, my face was completely clear.

Well, that was last week. I tried something to help make my skin look a little better last Saturday and it ended up breaking me out again. Each night, no matter if I apply medication or not, there's always a new spot. Albeit it's not bad, but any type of negative progression is enough to make me want to break bones and punch holes in walls (I haven't though).

It's so frustrating sometimes. That's my story and it feels good to finally write it all out. It's funny how something that seems to subtle to people can completely destroy lives, but I think these experiences have made me more emotionally stable.

[lightning_king2000]

I've never played Everquest before but apparently alot of people who played it has had the same problem you had. What is it about this game that is so addictive NEways?

[emilyburd]

I should tell my life story. Cause mines somehow similiar to yours.
Keep that confidence, you have the perosnality to be hot and popular, dont lose it.

[dressedinblack]

Incredible, if I had short term memory loss I would of sworn i'd wrote that. Yeah i know exactly what you mean and how depressing it can feel. I feel for ya, try and be strong.

I played soldier of fortune online for a few years to keep my mind off spots...never had patience for RPG's!

[Loro]

sounds eerily similiar, mine involved more drugs though. I guess thats why I became a social leper