I'm not going to describe how I think and speak, behave and react, because this is largely who I am. That is - I'm not looking for your advice on how to compromise my inclination towards funk and awkward, antediluvian and honest, polite and reserved. Yeah, yeah, you can change the impression you give off, which will really just be a change in your person, not persona... Not really looking to do that. I am, you can say and have likely observed, stubborn in this sense. So here in this post I plan on just sort of describing things - I suppose it's mostly for myself.
I have liked maybe* four girls seriously and had one, first and last, girlfriend several years ago in secondary school. This was the first time that someone ostensibly reciprocated the feelings I had, which was novel. I think this fact alone, however, is what drove the relationship. It was, in retrospect, not very fulfilling. On the grounds that we were happy, sure, but we never talked a whole lot - never considered issues or reflected on philosophies. I didn't even realize she didn't like Bobby Darin until we broke up like eight months later!
Prior to this I had been pretty confident with girls. I was able to approach them like it was anything else, how it should be. I wrote silly letters to girls and stood atop desks asking if they'd want to hang out when enough was enough. After this relationship, though, it was like I suddenly felt a contempt for them, which I won't explain the details of. This girl had wrung me dry and then yelled at me after I told her I'd an assignment to finish. I think the reason I was unable to notice the unhealthiness of the relationship was because I was caught betwixt her and what is technically the most important year of pre-college education. It wasn't fair to her, but given her age and state, I'd wager that she had a much clearer vantage. Regardless - as I said - a strange contempt was formed.
To boot, I was apparently really prone to confirmation bias because for the next year, whenever a girl got close I became weary and horribly suspect.
In college, now, I'm at long last recognizing the ridiculousness of what I've been thinking. I mean, thinking to myself that girls are secondary to coursework has provided me with this strange angry focus but it can only go so far.. haha. At the same time, however, I haven't a clue as to how to suppress my newly-developed over-conscientiousness when it comes to interacting with girls. God, I'm such a nerd.
During my first year, actually, I was sitting down at tables of girls with one seat open - getting names, learning about people, having a great time. But none of it stuck. I suppose I wasn't really interested in them as I thought I was. Instead, I was proving to myself that I could be 'social' in the colloquial sense of the word. Great. Proved it just like the damned theorems I did all year and to similar effect: none of it has done anything for me.
This year, I became helplessly attracted to a senior. She had incredibly soft features and this smile that made me think the worst**. More than this, she was preternaturally secure. I finally whipped up the mindlessness needed to get over my over-analytical tendency one day to ask if she wanted to hang out. It ended up with me getting her number and the next day, she even said she liked my sweater! Of course, when I called she didn't pick up which resulted in a terrible voice-mail message. Then, a week or so later, my maverick text message yielded the same. Now she's graduated and I'm trying to get over her. But not really, because I feel like there's slim to nil chance another girl out there so holistically manifests what I find beautiful. Leave me to my decadence!
Moreover, I'm like feeding this too-thoughtful deportment and helpless romantic in me by going onto omegle occasionally and beginning chats where I ask all of my silly questions and imagine what the girl is like, that some day I'll find her and we'll connect and all will be well.
My friend told me recently that I'm sexist. I know why. I'm trying to overcompensate for the fact that I don't naturally think of sex when I think of the girls I'm attracted to. Trying overcompensate for feeling this slight compunction when my eyes inadvertently fall upon a lady's bottom. I think I've had it. I'm reverting to my letter-writing, straightforward question-asking, semi-shameless honest self.
This rant, from the beginning, I knew would go nowhere. Just felt like spelling it out. Thanks for reading. Also, I hope my syntactical negligence was not too apparent - I've written this in a true and honest flurry.
* It is four, just FYI. Happen to remember the names. Reckon why I said maybe..
** I would hope it would rain and then imagine us getting soaked and us embracing with her wrapping her arms around me in my coat. I don't usually wish cold upon people, I swear!
Edited by jonathanc, 13 May 2012 - 08:32 PM.