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I believe some of us may have been mislead as to the nature of human existence, with false impressions and unrealistic and impossibe expectations from family and friends we thought were authoritative guides, only for those that have been ever so unlucky, especially anyone who has come from a childhood of abuse, in the forms of neglect or a brainwashing, indoctrinating environment removed from questioning anything we have been told and evaluating the nature of the world for ourselves and the truth, or simply innocent misdirection absent of any malicious intent to harm us.
in the past, I have had problems with what has been called emotional acceptence, with an unrealistic expectation to control the most basic and natural of human emotions that were never meant to be controlled or denied, and to also deny them any validity, or naturalness. i have been convinced these natural feelings are, "BAD" and to feel guilty for there existence, for not supressing them enough, essentially, denying myself any individuality at all. i had been convinced by a social circle that they were of "my own will", that all anger i felt, was simply, "willed" and never anything perfectly natural, or even right. and therefore, the problem was within me, and NEVER outside of me, and that nothing could ever "cause" me to feel a certain way, and that it was my fault if i had not controlled them enough, and led to shame if i could not. But after asking myself whether it was something i willed, i had to define what i meant by the will? i decided the will was simply desire or the mental act of wanting or desiring, perhap seven preferring between two alternatives i could imagine, i asked myself did i have any desire to have that particular emotion? no, the entire experience was beyond and the exact opposite of what i desired. i wanted anger to leave, but it stayed, i thought the problem was all inside me. sometimes, i was irritable thats for sure, but regardless of my sensitivity, when the sensitivity was gone, the feeling still existed, but it was less intense. In my opinion, what i have just described may be a pathway to drug addiction, because without any natural way to regulate these emotions, like say, simply avoiding things that make you feel that way and initiate those feelings, and seeing that anger or other emotions can be "caused" by external things, you may turn to drugs to regulate them, or supress/control them, which for the most part, i have not.
the philosophy of various human states, i have been given a certain impression upon how humans or i am supposed to function, that seems to be in opposition to how the real world works, and from that frustration, i hope i have been able to put it into words a way that describes the concepts clearly. in the past I would be almost directly "ordered" to exhibit a certain emotional state, to fulfill the expectations of my parents, and i thought that was how it worked, but its not that simple, so the idea was "to be" a certain something, without knowing "how to" be and with little instruction or guidance(more evidence of neglect), almost nothing in the world works this way, its alchemical, like turning lead into gold, like perpetual motion, its devoid of ideas like cause and effect and scientific thinking. there are only a few things that are directly connected to the will, that require almost no protocol or process, that is motor functions, like the movement of fingers and limbs, and some degree of thought patterns, other then that, not all mental and physical states are directly attached to the will, or manifested like that of a simple motor function, so then for these other states of human existence, there is a protocol, there is a "how to be" something that must be learned and discovered, if it had not been taught correctly.
so somehow i have turned this into a philosophy of life, where there is a seperation in my mind of desiring/the will and being/all possible states of my body and my external world, and my becoming aware of these desires inside myself, and what is, beyond my desiring. and the process of life is defined as, learning the "how to be" or even broadened by the "how to", or defining the method of fulfilling that desire, as we get further and further from the easiest and simplest desires to manifest like the desire to get up and walk down the street, to the more complex desires where we interact with a world that is less out of our control, which may include, complex emotional states, and many other things we have been taught are super simple to do, but actually require more knowledge, which we should not feel guilty for.
We may also not be aware of what we desire, and become accustomed to this way of thinking, becoming aware of what we desire and what we like and prefer is a step all by itself,once we se we have the right, as we may go in the direction of giving up on getting what we desire or reasoning that getting what we desire is a futile effort, so we reason to settle for what we get, now once we become aware of what we desire, we must know how to get it, we would like foreknowledge and clear guide so we know where to step without error, but that is the ultimate luxury and doesnt always exist, so then job that is upon us in this life, is the fumbling and the strategies to get what we want, the will define the "how to".
to simplify again, we may often know what we desire, but we do not know how to get it, and that is my definition of life, and what will remain the process of life from now on.
i know its pretty abstract stuff, but i tried my damnest to make it clear, hope you like.
Edited by AutonomousOne1980, 31 January 2012 - 11:08 PM.
