9 replies to this topic

[idiot98]

Hey guys, this is just a rant about me feeling bad which mainly centres around acne problems. tldr: I'm a 22 y/o guy who feels pretty lonely

I used to be all "woe is me" about my huge/prevalent chest and back acne scarring (my face is untouched), but I felt that I got beyond caring about physical attractiveness, to the point of laughing about myself, etc.

I still don't usually care about that. However, I've never had a girlfriend in my life and right now I just feel like that's impossible. I had no luck with girls in high school, partially due to heavy facial acne (which luckily didn't scar) and partially due to the fact that I thought I was gay (which I now wish I was lol). That lack of success slowly grew into a withdrawal, and I've lived the last six years of my life online, except for work which actually goes pretty well for me. I'm currently trying to establish some social network, but I've still got a long way to go.

Even though I feel I can socially reinvent myself, I don't see how I'll ever find a partner. I have back scars all the way from my shoulders to my pelvis and it just looks awful. I simply don't have the confidence to approach women, or even to accept an offer from women (haven't been in this position ) with the way I look under the shirt. The thought of some poor girl seeing that and thinking "what did I get myself into" has become a dealbreaker for me.

The idea of being alone for the rest of my life just hit me like a ton of bricks. I know there's more to life than that and I live every day improving myself and trying to enjoy it, but this feeling still sucks. Would love some advice or even commentary, anything is appreciated as I don't talk to anybody in real life about this.

[ihatemynose]

I feel you man... It sucks.. I have a hard time making new friends sigh.. fuck acne. And I'm 19 and I've been single for 3 shetty years which was exactly when I first started getting acne. I too feel lonely, and sometimes I think It's impossible to find a girl. haha yeah life is unfair =(

[Lt Aldo raine]

I think if you get far enough into a relationship where you will need to take off your clothes, you should be close enough with your partner to confide in them and tell them your insecurities. If something as simple as acne is a deal breaker for them, then they are not someone you would want to be with.

And if you have to take your clothes off on the first day of meeting someone, then she's probably to drunk to care about your skin.

[FK in the coffee]

That sucks, man. ):
I guess the key is to actually find a good woman who doesn't care about scars. People are pretty superficial and all, but you'll need to give them the benefit of the doubt if you hope to find the decent ones.
Also, being gay probably wouldn't change the situation that much, lol. Dudes can be just as harsh as the ladies.

[Renn17]

Probably the worst part of acne is how it can make you feel you will never accomplish anything when it comes to romance and stuff. I've never had a boyfriend or felt like I've even been 'liked'. It never bothered me because I thought that it didn't matter, I still have loads of time and going out with someone because of feeling different is just conforming. Now I'm nearly 18 though, and sometimes I'll think that maybe I'll be alone forever and stuff. I'll watch shows involving weddings and families and think 'well, that'll never be me'. I think once you've fallen off the road (being pushed by acne) it's difficult to get back on again with so much anxiety and fear being collected whilst being on the ground. And with your scars, if your girlfriend gives you any inclination that she's thinking 'what did i get myself into', you should be thinking the same thing, because obviously that girl would be shallow and not worthy of your affections, and you should get outta there!

Edited by Renn17, 22 January 2012 - 01:19 PM.

[PaulH85]

With or without acne, it took me many years to realise that the most unattractive thing about me (potentially) was a negative approach to things and an apparent lack of confidence. Sure, there's nothing wrong with lacking confidence, but if you give into it and act awkwardly and things, it just doesn't go over well and people might be less inclined to approach. I always used to think that people didn't show an interest in me solely because of my acne but now that I'm acne-free, those negative traits are still visible and I'm starting to thinking that they are in fact why nobody's ever noticed or approached me. By the same token, even if a person's acne is bad, I genuinely believe that it's possible for people to see beyond it if you hold your head up and appear confident and happy. I was never brave enough to do that but I still believe it's possible.

I was never worried about addressing it in my teens because I believed it would all fade away when my acne did and that I would naturally gain confidence as I got older. But again, just like with the acne, I was wrong about the age thing. Those insecurities and lack of confidence didn't fade and, if anything, those feelings have increased as I've gotten older and with that come increased feelings of loneliness. Of all the feelings and emotions I experienced when suffering with acne, I don't think any of them were as bad as feeling as incredibly lonely and as left behind as I do now.

I'm sure that these feelings can be countered and overcome though. Takes time, no doubt, but it must be possible with the aid of positive thinking and perhaps a bit of bravery. The bottom line is that we either stay in our respective comfort zones, fearful of rejection or judgement, or we have a go at putting ourselves out there and see what happens.

Often when these kind of topics come up and perhaps there are some people replying who I'm in touch with and know a bit about, I think of what I know about those people and about the qualities they have to offer and it always strikes me that I can see numerous good qualities and positive things about them - things potential partners would be lucky to have and share in - but those people don't seem to see those things in themselves. I guess that's what low self-esteem does. I'm the same, in that people here say positive things about me and compliment qualities which I just can't see in myself. Maybe we have to sort of step outside ourselves and look at who we are, then learn to see ourselves and embrace that in a positive light.

[Daphnis]

idiot98, I know how you feel. And PaulH85 is right about putting ourselves out there (and to never take it personally).

Whenever I think about my loneliness, I wonder who will like me for who I am and my acne? These thoughts about loneliness are coming from within and how we see ourselves and others. Loneliness isolates us from people as if we can't be on their same level; loneliness isolates us because we feel we don't deserve someone.

Perhaps what helped me was I focused on living my life well rather than the idea of loneliness. The thoughts of loneliness pass quickly when I busy myself with doing things better (hobbies, professional life, etc.). That way when the right person comes into my life, I'll be confident with my life, myself and our relationship.

Focus on the present. Focus on what you can do now, what you can control in your life. Focus on building the relationships you already have, strengthen them, and make new friends (it's tough, I know. I'm still working this out myself). And remind yourself--make it a mantra--that when that girl comes into your life you'll be confident and ready for her and for your relationship.

Edited by Daphnis, 23 January 2012 - 03:19 AM.

[idiot98]

Thanks for the support all, I felt much better the next day and reading these posts has been a bonus . It's great to personally experience how nice people can be.

[tritonxiv]

idiot98, on 22 January 2012 - 12:21 PM, said:

The thought of some poor girl seeing that and thinking "what did I get myself into" has become a dealbreaker for me.

Dealing with acne has been a challenge for me as well. I branched out from online interactions and took a few of those leads into RL. Even though I was the one with marks all over my skin... by the end of these relationships (one three years+) I was the one saying "What the &%$# did I get myself into?"

I've learned that acne scars are NOTHING compared to the real problems many "beautiful" partners will have. So focus on refining your personality and injecting some confidence into your everyday life!

[mrjarjarbinks77]

Man, be happy you have no scars. It sucks. Still, I have had success with girls but, I been rejected more times then I can count, and it doesn't even hurt any more. I think if I had a gf, I would be needy, and chase her away or ruin it. I am becoming more confident and becoming a better person. Take your time, enjoy being single, get out, and take a leap of faith. Know you deserve it, that someone likes you, and wants you. First you must love yourself and take a chance for the girl you want.