6 replies to this topic

[hermionestranger]

So I've recently moved out of my childhood home to go to university, and since I moved out a couple of months ago my skin has gotten really bad. Now, every time I come home, my mother is on my case about it.

Growing up, my mom was one of those moms who wanted me to be perfect. This included how I looked. My mom was one of those super popular girls in high school with the flawless looks and fashionable clothes. But I'm not really like that - I'm much more boyish and dorky. But she never understood that and always wanted me to change.

Now, whenever I come home from school to visit, the first thing she says when she sees me is, "Honey, what's wrong with your skin?!" You may thing that saying it's the first thing she says is a hyperbole, but it's not. Legitimately, the first thing she asks me about when I come home is my skin. It's getting to the point where I dread coming home because I know I'm going to have to talk about it with her.

I know she's just trying to help, but she doesn't do it in a positive way. She makes a disgusted face when she sees me, she insists on poking and prodding at my face, and she says things like "that looks really bad" or "are you doing anything about this?!"

What do I do? Because I swear to god, the next time she says anything I'm going to scream. It's taking a huge toll not only on my relationship with my mom but also on my confidence and self-worth. It makes me feel really shitty about myself.

Edited by hermionestranger, 02 January 2012 - 02:09 AM.

[Lola Burns]

My mom is the same way. And when my skin was at its worst, she always knew just what to say to make me feel shittier. And when it's not my skin, it's my weight or my hair or my shoes. And I'd respond by walking out or saying something really horrible. And my dad would say "she can't help it. That's just how she is." It took me years to figure out how to talk to her. I tried saying "I know you're trying to be helpful. But stop it.". Didn't work. I tried saying "it hurts my feelings when you say things like that". Also didn't work. What did finally work was opening up a line of dialog. She'd say something about my skin and I would tell her about my regimen, what studies I've read, what products I'm using and why. And after about 20 minutes of me rambling on and on, she was dying to talk about anything BUT my skin. Boring a parent into leaving you alone doesn't work in all cases, but it's worth a shot. And who knows, maybe talking to her may actually be cathartic?

[***Nikki***]

Hi, I can relate to to you because my mum was the same. I have struggled with her criticism for years and my dad was like yours and wouldn't intervene.

My mum is ridiculously beautiful and I always felt like a disappointment next to her. As time goes by, I am starting to learn that her criticisms come from her just wanting the "best" for me and for me to look and be the best I can be. But at the end of the day, what she thinks is "best" are her standards, not mine and I decided to just stop caring about what she says. I told her I know I have an acne problem and I am doing what I can but I don't like to talk about it. She's now stopped saying anything to me that she knows would hurt me - it's been a good few months like this, so I hope it remains like this.

If I need her beauty/fashion advice I'll ask - and she really can be amazing when it comes to helping me with the girly stuff, but she should only do this when I need her to and not when she wants to judge me.

Maybe you could try what I did?

Good luck, stay strong, & remember that you and your mum are two different people, and I am sure you have many qualities that make you different from her but equally, if not more special.

I always remember the line from Matilda "You chose books, I chose looks" and whilst in my ideal world, I would have both and continue to strive for both, in order of importance I believe it is more important to better myself on the inside than what's on the outside.

[guillotineSavvy]

My dad always used to poke fun of people with big noses on TV, and I could tell that it made my sister uncomfortable, even though to me, her nose was fine. I told my dad that she was insecure about her nose, and right away, he stopped.


If it were me, I would let her know that you are insecure about your skin. Most parents mean well, but sometimes they can say things without knowing that they are hurting your feelings.

[Cherryx]

I want to assure you, you are not alone. Ever since I had acne my mother took on a role of an acne expert constantly looking at my face making derogatary comments, and giving "helpful" advise such as: "Wash you face with scrub and benzoyl peroxide more often, put on more benzoyl peroxide at night! "
"Thanks mom, my skin feels like sandpaper now!"
And always accusing me of doing something wrong. When I first started having acne, she would point out other girls and say "Look, nobody has acne, what's wrong with you!?"
I know she is just trying to help me, but she does it in a very annoying inconsiderate way.

[conjones]

I see it as good and bad, she may not be handling it the best way but it is nice that she talks with you about it. Some parents might acknowledge that acne is an embarrassing topic and avoid talking about it. If that happens then it's difficult to relieve some of the stress that comes with acne. Your mom loves you regardless of the circumstances =D. Have a calm conversation with her and explain that her approach makes you a bit uncomfortable but you understand her concern. Then maybe you can get her on board to help you improve things like trying different regimens or visiting a dermatologist. Good luck .

[don't got milk]

Yeah, I recently came back from university too. Before I went there I had really cleared up a lot--I was getting sleep, eating healthy, and exersizing...but in college, it's really really easy to just not do any of that. I kind of broke out...a lot. My mom commented the first night I came home if I would consider accutane, which she had originally insisted I avoid, because of its many health risks.

I honestly think my mom's pretty oblivious most of the time...

"Your skin's looking clearer!"
"Thanks mom."
"Those antibiotics must really be working."
"Yup, I guess so."
"So are you going to go another month?"
"I don't know. I might try getting clear naturally again."
"Well think about it...I mean, this is the worst it's ever been."
"...I really think it's been a lot worse. I just think since I was pretty much clear over the summer, you're a little biased."
"Well, you weren't really clear over the summer. You were...pretty clear."

Like, I know she might be trying to help but it really just makes me feel like crap.
I think the problem for me comes in how I take what she says. If I could brush off her comments like they were no big deal, then I wouldn't have a problem with them. But that's really hard for me. I just have to learn how to not take her comments to heart.
In the end, though, I know me best. And you know you best. I know I'm doing all I can to clear up my skin, and nothing my mom, or anyone for that matter, says is going to affect that...so why should I let there comments affect me?

Haters gon' hate B) Good luck with your mom