90 replies to this topic

[CocnutCaramel]

DAY ---

So I'm back. Guess why? Because I did it again. Yep. I did.

Just a couple of minutes ago I demolished my face. I picked every. single. blackhead, bump, whisper of inflamation on my. entire. face.

I'm so upset with myself right now, I cannot believe how I could let this happen. My skin was almost perfect. A minor redness, and that was about it. My skintone had evened out. My bumpiness was almost gone. And now I'll have fat pimples all over my face in just a matter of days. Not to mention the redness, and the scarring. I just keep messing things up. Whenever my skin heals and looks good.

I just feel like giving up. I've been trying to work this out for months and I'm still there, cramped to the mirror, staring at my pores, trying to find a "good" one. I'm so fucking disgusting. I disgust myself.

How long is this going to take? I'm suck a fucking fool. I hate me. As soooon as things start to look good I HAVE to destroy them. I honestly think I deserve to look like shit. Why can't I just NOT rip my face apart and be like a normal person? Why the fuck do I have to have all these anxieties and fucking mad habits?

I don't know - I just feel like giving up. Since I keep doing this to myself it's obviously something I want. Let me just be the freaky woman with scars all over her face. Disgusting.

[PaulH85]

I don't suppose it's much consolation, but you're not on your own - a few of us have checked in over the last week or so with tales of how we messed up a little, then a little more, and then a lot... It sucks, I know, but it happens. No doubt it's hard for you to take, given the awesome progress you made. I mean, it's probably the best progress I've seen and you took to the whole no-picking thing so well. Makes me think that it won't be too long before the new damage starts healing and you can get back on track. Might as well think positive, yes?

At the risk of repeating what I wrote on Liz's log earlier today, I went through a rough patch a couple of weeks back where I picked apart every little thing I could find and didn't even stop there. No word of a lie, I ended up picking at my forehead - at perfectly well-healed, blemish-free skin - and created three separate open wounds from nothing at all. My mood had been low, I was feeling down, bored, lonely, whatever... and I just took it all out on my face. That took two weeks to heal up and I didn't leave the house once. I ranted about it in my blog entry actually and it's not unlike the picture you've painted here. I was lost, angry, feeling hopeless, pathetic, disgusting and indeed disgusted. Fast-forward a couple of weeks, my skin's healed up and my mood's improved with it. Whether I stay on track remains to be seen. Time will tell, in the very same way that it also heals.

I never really think too much of kicking myself when I'm down. When my self-esteem is already through the floor, it doesn't seem to matter if I take another hit. What you've said here with all this negativity just strikes a chord... I dunno, makes me want to jump in the computer screen and give you a great big hug! I guess it's because I've been in that frame of mind where I start to wonder if it's what I want or if it's all I deserve. That's saddening. It's not true though because I don't want it and don't deserve it, and I know for sure you don't want to be that way either, otherwise you wouldn't have come as far as you did.

After my little meltdown the other week, I searched online about picking and started reading about Dermatillomania . Compulsive skin picking. I began to look at it differently. I always thought it was because of my acne and that once it cleared, I'd have nothing to pick and that would be the end of it. So to be in a position where I started looking for stuff to pick and, when I didn't find it, just started picking my skin, it hit me that the act itself had become a compulsive habit. When I thought of it that way, I guess I just started thinking of it differently. People have all sorts of crazy habits and addictions so I'm certainly not alone in that respect, and when I think of some of the habits there are out there and the kinds of things a person can become addicted to in this world, for an addictive personality, I'm not doing to bad at all! I guess the extra knowledge from looking that up offers a new perspective. It gives more information and ultimately some control. It's not that false sense of control we might get from picking either. It's an understanding that this is something we just have to take one day at a time, learn what our triggers are, learn to avoid them as best we can, and find alternative coping mechanisms.

I'll quit rambling, but what I will say is that I hope you won't be too hard on yourself and I hope you soon start to get things back on track. Don't give in because you can get the better of it.

[LizzLemon]

ooooh girl.
you can hate yourself all you want right now, but you know what? YOU ARE AMAZING. you've come so far, gained so much insight about this problem. shared it (!!!) with others and taught us how to share without fear as well. you are setting good examples and providing good discussion, left and right. **virtual bear hug!**

did you slip up? yeah. does it mother freaking suck? totally.
but guess what? last time you have a major picking episode was almost THREE MONTHS AGO!!! January 8th, 2012, to be exact! for that you deserve a huge pat on the back. you have come a looooong way it's all to your own credit so don't throw in the towel just yet. the next week or two is going to be rough (we've all been there) as you heal and get back on track but i bet it will be even an even longer stretch before your next relapse!

and that's just it right there, pal. RELAPSE.
it makes us feel like we are never going to get better, never be normal. but it's a part of life and you are doing a freakin' bang-up job trying to manage it. don't give up yet. you WILL get better. today just wasn't your day and that is okay. tomorrow's another day.

keep your chin up, girlfriend. we're all here for you!

[CocnutCaramel]

DAY ???

Thank you so so so much, Liz and Paul. I haven't felt like answering until now but I have read (and re-read) your very encouraging, altogether lovely and heart-warming replies. Thank you for taking your time to write that down, every word helps.

Today, like two weeks later, I'm pretty much healed again. Still a lot of bumps but I've been using less and less makeup, which seems to help A LOT. Even though makeup has been a huge, huge help for me through healing and covering slip-ups as my skin gets back to "normal", I am realising that putting things on my skin just irritates it, no matter how gentle or good the product is.

Another MASSIVE step for me is that I started seeing a therapist last week (the third time in my adult lif I'm doing therapy) and brought up my issues with picking and self harm in general the first time we met, which is something I have not dared to do in my earlier therapies. I was basically crying like a madwoman thorugh that story, because I've never talked to anybody about it face to face like that, but the words heal. I know they do, even though it's painful and brings up heaps of shame and guilt just opening my mouth about it. But I've done it - I've admitted it to myself and I have asked for help.

Also, today I went to see the doctor for a non-acne realated reason, but decided to ask her to have a look at my skin and see what she thought. I was mainly curious about the bumpiness. She's not a derm, but she reckoned they're very shallow and non-inflamatory and prescribed some Differin gel for me to try. I'm gonna pick it up from the pharmacy and try it on later tonight, and even though I am indeed sceptical about this kind of thing, after my MAJOR succes with Yasmin* I'm sort of curious about what western medicine has to offer. She did say I should start slow and use it every other day and slowly work up to once, then maybe twice a day and that it should help within a few weeks.

What are your experiences with Differin? Did it work for you? My daily moisturizer has spf 15 and I hear that's a good thing with this type of product.

Ok, so it's back to work for me (eh..aka munching on chocolates and googling stuff), have a great day, y'all

* I was so scared Yasmin would mess up my face but it has done nothing bad to my skin, made my mood a lot more even and made my cramps go away. From what I read online I seem to be one of very few who doesn't get any nasty side effects from this pill. It has helped me a lot, and I hope it will keep up this way.

Edited by CocnutCaramel, 12 April 2012 - 08:11 AM.

[PaulH85]

Glad to hear that things are healing.

I'll start with the Differin... Although I've no direct experience with it myself, it seems the usual rules of starting slow and building up the applications apply. I always used to make the mistake of caking loads of topical whatever-it-was on my face because I assumed it would work faster. Didn't know any better. The trick is to start slowly and let your skin get used to it, Then once you're through that, can build up the application and let the topical do its thing, give it a few months and see how you go. If I were you, I'd have look at the topical posts section and also the logs; probably give you a good idea of what to expect along the way and a sense of what kind of results you might see.

Now for the big one! Very well done on giving therapy another go. Huge respect to you for getting the whole skin issues/picking thing out there right away. I've been there, I know how scary it can be. I was a total wreck by the end when I first talked about, couldn't even see straight because I'd cried so much! I think there was a sense of relief there too because I'd started to let all these feelings of guilt and shame; the very things I'd essentially been using to fuel my desire to pick and the very things which made me feel the way I do about myself in general. Fact is though, neither you, nor I, nor anyone else who deals with this kind of stuff has anything to be ashamed of and there's no reason to feel guilty or anything like that.

The more I've read about these kinds of issues and also things like Dysmorphia, and Dermatillomania (obsessive compulsive skin picking) the more I find I'm not on my own. Beyond that, everyone I've talked to online and stuff is wonderful. It's the same with acne.org really. We're all just regular people anyway, of course, but I think stuff like this gives us a level of understand and empathy which perhaps others might not have it really shines through when people who can relate help each other out. That's a great thing.

Reaching out and asking for help is the hardest step but you've done it now. I think it's brave because there's always that fear; that people won't get it or that they might laugh or that you could be judged. Even if it's not justified to think or feel that way, to me, to be aware of that fear and go through it anyway in order to get help is brave. Well done. I reckon you can be very proud of yourself for that.

I kind of "outed" myself on Facebook last week. Wrote a big piece about my history with acne and where I'm at with picking now. Basically explaining things and probably filling in a lot of blanks for a few people as to why I've been off the radar for the last year. I've pretty much spent that time proverbially chained to the mirror, picking my face to bits and hating being me. Same thing again where I was just carrying all that supposed guilt and shame around and I figured I should start to let it go for good. I don't really know what people thought of it or how many read it, but it certainly was therapeutic for me. Needed to start somewhere otherwise time will just keep on passing by. Following on from taking that step, I've started from the beginning again with the whole not-picking thing and today is day four. As ever, one day at a time...

Enjoy your chocolates!

[CocnutCaramel]

Paul: "outing" oneself is really cool, I hope you got some supportive response too!

I think it's very difficult to convince myself that I'm not alone in this struggle. Even though I am a great believer in the collective, the organisation, the shared experience there seems to be a high threshold between my ideological side and my emotional. They just don't agree. It's a struggle everyday to convince myself that this is NOT part of me, that this is a sickness or a mental state or whatever you choose to call it, that will pass. Picking is not imprinted in my personality, its no ME - it's a strategy I've chosen to try to deal with a massive load of self hatred.

The (totally irrational) fear of actually being "the only one" or "crazy" or "doomed", I think, is the fear that keeps me from moving on and letting go of this habit. There is part of me that fears that what I'm going through isn't a phase or whatnot - that it is in fact a part of me that I can't quit. Again, the conflict between the logical and emotional keeps me from going anywhere. Even though I'm doing ok now, what might eventually get me (yet again) is the depressive thought that knocks on my head and says "What kind of a stupid idea is that - You'll never quit picking. You're a PICKER - remember?! Don't try to fool yourself into believing that this is somehting that'll pass - it's who you are, you dirty, disgusting joke of a person". Something like that. (I should totally become a writer for Days Of Our Lives, I know... ).

On another note: The Differin seems to have been starting to do whatever it does to zap the bumps. I'm gettin a ton of teeny, tiny red pimples around my nose and mouth/jaw where the bumps are. I've had the same thing happen when I started using the Dermalogica Exfoliator, they lasted a couple of days and then disappeared and the bumps in those areas were gone. It's like the cream makes it rise to the surface and then go away (fingers crossed).

[PaulH85]

Well, a few people "liked" the post I made on Facebook and two people commented, so that's four people out of about 230. A few people who I know read it for sure are members of acne.org or the dermatillomania pages I'm part of on Facebook, so they already knew about it all and it was probably easier for them to hit the button and acknowledge it than it was for all those other people who really wouldn't have had a clue about any of my experiences. I'd assume that family members read it as well, although none of them have said anything. Then again, I don't really see that as being indicative of anything because unless you're looking at your Facebook news feed all the time, things soon get lost in the mix and I'd bet that hardly anyone who didn't see it within the first few minutes of posting has even seen it at all. I don't mind either way because ultimately, it was for me.
It doesn't really change much because even though I put that out there and I'm saying to people, "This is why I've always cancelled plans and this is why I stay at home and this is why... blah, blah, blah", the fact remains that I'm still not really in touch with people and I don't have an active social life or things that I can get involved in. The same old thoughts I have about myself regarding inferiority, the negative view I have of my appearance in general, and my lack of confidence and zero self-esteem still remain.
But, I guess it got one obstacle out of the way and at least now I don't need to feel like I'm keeping it all inside. Well, I can't, because it's out there. Now I need to learn new habits in order to replace the ones I instilled to help keep everything hidden for thirteen years. One step at a time I suppose.

Right after I read your last post, I saw a blog entry on a site called Hello Giggles, entitled, 'Love Thyself'. Some of this may actually relate to what you were saying so I thought I'd share it: http://hellogiggles.com/love-thyself

"Trusting in the process of your personal growth can sometimes be the key to make it happen".
To me, that can be applied to what you said about getting so far and making x-amount of progress, only for those thoughts to creep in and tell you that you're a picker. It doesn't have to be that way. Just as you have the choice to listen to those negative thoughts, you also have the choice of trusting the process you're going through and the progress you've made; trusting that there is something positive to be learned if you do slip up along the way; and telling those negative thoughts to get lost. Right?

I totally understand your viewpoint there, where your own struggles are concerned. It's so much easier to think that you're on your own and that you're "doomed". That's exactly how I describe myself sometimes: DOOOOOOOOMED!!! By the same token, all the negative thoughts I have about myself carry more weight than any other thoughts or indeed the opinions of other people could. You could line up a hundred women and have each one of them tell me that I'm a good looking guy, or whatever, but it would make no difference at all if I chose to believe the voice inside that tells me nobody could view me that way. Even on the super-rare occasion that's actually happened and someone complimented me or showed an interest, I've either laughed it off or responded in an unpleasant manner in order that they go away. That's not me at all - I'm probably as nice as any guy you could meet - but it's like a panicked reaction and a sure-fire way to get rid of them because because it's more familiar to keep people out and reinforce feeling "ugly" than it is to start liking myself and allowing others to like me as well. I don't know really how to operate on that positive level because I keep the walls up. Never let them down before, even though I'm sure it's possible and certainly wouldn't be anywhere near as scary as I'd make it out to be.

My point is, I'd have a choice of going down one route or the other. Equally, you'd have the choice of going down the emotional route or the ideological route you mentioned. Often seems that the one we need to go down is the hardest one and the most unpleasant one; the one where we have to face up to stuff. The alternative though, is to stay in that comfort zone and carry on with whatever is familiar, even if it's actually damaging, both physically and emotionally.
For example: if you had been here in person at the end of last year, witnessing me finally figuring out what to do to clear my acne, you'd have seen me go through that process, get the results and achieve what I'd been trying to achieve for years. Fast-forward a month or so and you would have then seen me gradually fall further and further into the habit of picking my skin compulsively, essentially because dealing with the drama of a blemished and sore face and all the emotional stuff that comes with it, is more familiar to me than letting it all go; than not having any of those issues; than actually liking what I see in the mirror.

It's all about learning new processes and not going back to those old ways once you start making progress. I'm having another go at it, this is day six of not picking. There was a time when I could go weeks without picking and not even notice it as being significant. These days, I'm quite literally having to take it an hour at a time. I guess I'm learning a new way to cope with it and hopefully it will help me stop. If not, I'll try again with a different approach. Evidently, whatever approaches you'd tried in the past to stop those negative thoughts creeping in didn't quite work, given that they came back. No problem, just means that if they come back - it's not a given - you get to try another approach. Plus, don't forget that you've now got your therapy sessions in your proverbial arsenal of weaponry and they may well show you new ways to keep the big nasty voices at bay until they're squashed down to nothing more than an insignificant little squeak.

[EddieE]

CocnutCaramel, on 14 January 2012 - 03:25 AM, said:

Everywhere there's little piccies living piccie lives.....

DAY 46 - almost completley clear. 80% of redmarks faded, texture of skin improved about 100%, just a few slow-fading bumps left

People, THIS is what happens if you don't pick! If your acne was self-induced it DISAPPEARS. If it's not, well, you'll still feel a LOT more confident, trust me on that one.

Hey! You're very beautiful. This inspired me not to pick. I will try my best not to pick and touch my face. I always touch it. I am going to ignore my skin and not touch and look in the mirror at all. Hopefully I clear up.
What ever happens, try not to search your skin for bumps. I always do that and end up touching, pressing.. etc. sucks..
I am going to cut that habits now ^^

PS: Keep eating healthy and don't cheat! You should be fine.

[WildGo0se]

Wow. I never really thought about the connection between picking and increased acne. Surely, I can scratch off this scab and pop this pimple, and nothing bad will happen, right?

You made me realize this connection. I pick my face every single day. Any protrusions I feel on it I pick, pop, or scratch. Occasionally this is okay (I had this huge cyst on my temple a few weeks ago, I picked/popped it, and it literally vanished with barely a mark within a couple days). But this isn't the norm and I know I get more breakouts in the areas I keep picking.

Thank you so much for this thread. You really inspired me to stop picking and let my skin heal. I'm sure it won't get rid of all the acne, but any improvement is good enough for me. Your skin has healed so beautifully! Keep up the good work.

[CocnutCaramel]

Time for a pic update!!!
it's been soooooo long, almost a month since I last came here Things are going really well, actually. I did get a bad cyst on my cheek that i popped, which refilled etc etc for little over a week but that's all healed now.

Differin did definitly NOT work for me. After using it VERY VERY sparingly on just a few select areas on my cheeks my entire face got super red-orange-y, flaky, itchy and even water made my face burn. So I quit using that. Instead I came upon another product after searching the boards around here: Paula's Choice 2% BHA Lotion. I ordered a couple of samples from their website and have been using for the past weeks - I swear this is amazing. This lotion has made my cheeks smooth. My congested pores are getting smaller and smaller by the day, when i wash my face I just feel smooth skin instead of thousands of "pebbles".

Another VERY helpful strategy has been to identify my triggers. Before when I, for example, was home alone and feeling a bit down, I used to think "oh, shit, I'm gonna pick tonight. I HOPE i can prevent it". Now, when I get a thought like that I think "OK, so I have a triggering situation going on here. Wonder what I can do to keep that trigger un-trigged". And I try to keep that awareness when I wash my face and look in the mirror - trying to do things that'll diminish the trigger, like singing while washing or brushing my teeth in the kitchen instead of by the mirror. Just trying not to push back and instead acknowledge the triggering situation just seems to make it a lot more easy to deal with, it sort of separates the desire to pick from ME - like, now i don't identify with that desire any more, I just acknowledge it and do my best not to act upon it. Drawing a line between my fantasy/desire/impulse and reality/action, like my therapist calls it.

My cleansing/skin routine the past few weeks:
- Shiseido gentle foaming cleanser
- Paula's Chioce 2% BHA lotion (Love this one)
- Shiseido day lotion spf 15/Shiseido moisture recharge at night
- Mario Badescu Healing Cream on spots, redmarks, dry patches, stingy patches, everything. (Love this one).

So the pics are me, I have a faint touch of concealer on one healing mark by my nose but it's really nothing. You can see there's still a bit of redness in spots over the cheeks, but over all I think my skintone has evened out and looks a lot less red. Have a great day, everyone, I really really really appreciate your comments (and compliments!)! We can do this!!!!

 may15r.jpg   88.96K   7 downloads  may15front.jpg   24.66K   9 downloads  may15l.jpg   95.55K   7 downloads

[WinnieTheBlue]

You made my day thanks, If your near the Netherlands I would like to give you a unconditional amazing huge hug. You remind me of myself. I got rid of picking because of consealers and better yet, got rid of acne and stress.

I felt like a freak for a long time, thanks for being in a simulair sitiuation (although I wish you weren't) I feel a little less alone. And you are beautifull, probably smart and sensitive too. Good luck.