33 replies to this topic

[cvd]

I really want to stop picking! I pick at dry skin, blackheads...basically anything that doesn't look right. Eventhough my skin is almost totally clear now, I still pick. Must be old habit. Anyway I'm going to try to break this habit by not picking for 30 days! I'll journal how I'm doing. It'd be great if anyone else wants to join me!

[cvd]

Okay --- this is really hard. Washed my face tonight and already I'm tempted to pick. It's embarrasing to think I'm so obsessed with my skin. I know I make my skin much worse than it has to be because of this awful habit. Truth is my skin is looking pretty good right now but I still think there are flaws. I mess with them and make things worse. Like a formally fat person thinking they still have a weight problem. I look in my magnifying mirror and see flaws...

[cvd]

Day 2 --- the urge was really great but I didn't do it --- yeah! I can't believe how strong the urge is to mess with my skin. I read someone's post that said they thought their skin looked better after picking. I remember when my skin was really bad it did seem to help a little to pick at things but it also really inflamed my skin. Now that research is pointing to acne being an inflammatory disease it makes a lot of sense to do everything possible not to pick and inflame things more. The hard thing is breaking this terrible habit.

[cvd]

Day 3 (...actually yesterday)

Made it through the day without picking but it was really hard. It felt good not to mess with my skin...and my skin looked better. Even though I'm basically acne-free I still feel compelled to do something about blackheads or spots that stands out. This is the habit I'm trying to break. My acne was so bad for so long that it's hard for me to see my face as it really is now...which is basically blemish free. The problem is that when I do get a tiny blackhead or a teeny blemish I think my skin is returning to what it was before and I freak out. It's hard for me to let things be...to let my skin just heal these little imperfections naturally.

Day 4

I'm realizing that mornings are the toughest time for me as far as messing with my skin. I want it to look perfect for work and being around people. Ah --- "perfect" --- that's the key word here. I expect perfection. Must stop looking at magazines and comparing myself to them!!! Yes, I know they're airbrushed...but it makes me mad there's such an emphasis on crystal clear skin which is basically impossible to accomplish and feeds our fears as women that somehow we've missed the memo on how to properly care for our skin. Men don't have to deal with this! They just wash and go out the door...doesn't matter how "rugged" their skin looks. What a rip-off. Feels good to rant about this. As women we are constantly reminded that our skin isn't good eneough...that we must do more. Of course I've thought about this for years but I think that having a bad case of acne for so long made me more vulnerable than say women whose skin was basically clear. They moved on and didn't let that stuff get to them (...except perhaps for the anti-aging messages...). But for me it was such a battle, such an ongoing struggle to even have skin I wasn't ashamed of to be seen in public. Now that my skin is basically clear I'm starting to let go of the ideals and the messages...but it's hard. And I have a constant fear that my skin is going to act up again like before. I hope that lingering feeling goes away before too long...

[cvd]

Day 4 (cont.)

Totally blew it. I had this really bad blackhead that had been around for about a year (yes). Before I made this challenge I tried to extract it, unsuccessfully. It was still staring me in the face but I was very good about ignoring it for 3 days until this morning. I had to take care of it, if you know what I mean. Now it is red and I am sad. I was doing so well. The only excuse I can give myself is this was something that was hanging on from before I challenged myself...something that I should have never messed with to begin with. But I did...and now I blew it. Oh well. If this is the only setback I have during this challenge I will feel pretty good but right now I feel miserable...plus dealing with something that was just a stubborn blackhead before and now looks like a blemish. Of course this is exactly why I am doing this challenge...I have got to stop doing this to my skin!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because really it is looking great if I don't mess with it.

[cvd]

Day 5

Okay --- I'm back on track now. Put some polysporin on the inflamed spot last night and it's looking much better this morning. Made myself a 3x5 card to read each day to remind myself not to pick at things...hope this helps. It has in the past when I'm trying to break a habit. Besides wanting not to pick anymore, I want to change my mindset...from obsessing about my skin to thinking about other things. I've given over eneough of my life and mind to this disease!

A couple of years ago I gave up and decided to do everything I could think of to address the problem rather than just freaking out when my skin was flaring up. It has been a long journey --- finally accepting what my derm has wanted me to do for years --- use tretinoin cream, weaning off antibiotics and spironolactone (scary to do), taking diet and allergies seriously, doing daily yoga and walks, discovering the benefits of herbs and teas, etc. And now I'm tackling the inner issues...the lingering self-doubts, fears, and anxiety that I think causes me to overreact and start messing with my skin. At times I've been able to leave my skin alone and it heals by itself...takes time but it's with much less inflammation. I just have to trust the process. If I was still getting cystic acne this would be very hard to do because cystic acne is so inflammatory by itself. I think you have to be further along in the healing process to begin the inner work.

Edited by cvd, 04 November 2011 - 10:45 AM.

[cln]

I'm trying to do the same, but like you I'm alway picking at my skin. I usually can't go a day without messing with something. I swore off picking yesterday. Let's see how today goes. I'm really worried because I'm drawn to the mirror after my shower. I should just cover the mirror before I shower.

[cvd]

Day 6

Doing okay so far. Weekends are hard for me because I'm usually home. I check the magnifying mirror everytime I'm in the bathroom! I need to stop. It helps if I can get out and walk or hike but the weather is lousy right now. One thing I wrote on my card to read daily is "Live and behave as if there's no problem"...in other words...fake it till I make it!

Hi CLN --- after showering is really hard for me too. My skin is redder and more mottled...but I'm slowly learning that what my skin looks when wet changes after it dries and calms down. I have very reactive skin so anything inflames it. I hope we can both make it through this challenge!

FYI --- I give myself some leeway...if I have a piece of dry skin almost falling off then I give myself permission to gently flick it off. Main thing for me is not picking at bumps and blackheads with tweezers or needles (sorry - gross) I have this illusion of somehow making my skin look smoother and it never does! You'd think I'd learn after all these years.

Actually I'm much much better than I was years ago but I noticed recently that the only things that were really red on my face were the things I messed with. The other little bumps and blackheads, etc were hardly red at all, if at all, and went away fairly quickly...even whiteheads. And when I look at other people closely most of them also have little bumps, etc. Very few people have totally clear skin. The picking habit is just that...a very bad habit from years ago. What I struggle with is an inner voice that says "uh-oh, that spot is going to look worse unless you do something about it right now". It takes incredible willpower to ignore it.

I don't have a weight problem but my friends who do talk about the voice that urges them to eat and then the guilt they feel afterwards --- how overwhelming the feelings are. I can relate because after I have picked I have huge feelings of guilt and shame. I've worked on this with a counselor and I intellectually understand what is happening but I'm amazed with how persistent this kind of thing can be!

[cvd]

Day 9

Well, I did okay the past two days and didn't mess with my face...and it looked good. Doing well today too and that is boosting my confidence. The hard time will be at Thanksgiving when I have family coming over and am stressed. I've got a treatment routine in place (below) that is keeping me pretty clear...it's just these old behaviors that drag me down. Research says it takes 2 months to break a habit. Maybe I should be doing a 60 day challenge!

Edited by cvd, 08 November 2011 - 11:31 AM.

[imissyourkisses]

I'll be joining you

[cvd]

Day 12

It's good to have others trying this too! The past 2 days have been hectic but I didn't pick - yeah! Was tempted. Right now what I get are 1-2 teeny whiteheads on the nose --- actually they feel more like little grains of sand and are flesh colored. Not sure what they are. I used to pick at them because I didn't like the grainy feel and sometimes they would get inflamed so now I am trying to leave them alone. If I do then they usually just push out by themselves and eventually fall off when I wash. I have to have patience and that is not one of my strong points! The other thing I'm facing is lots and lots of fear because my derm had me stop using Spironolactone about a month ago. I have been using Spiro since 2001. She thinks tretinoin cream should be eneough and wants me off Spiro because I guess you're not supposed to use it for longterm if possible. Nice to think she has such faith in my skin to be controlled with just tretinoin! Anyway I am getting a little swelling on my chin...not bad and doesn't appear to be developing into much of anything. While still on Spiro I would get these sometimes...and sometimes it would freak me out so much --- the fear that my skin was returning to its previous state --- that I would do a short course of Bactrim. Before I stopped dairy and regular toothpastes and switched up to 1% tretinoin cream, these swellings sometimes developed into full-fledged cysts. But after making these changes it seems like my skin can get a small swelling but it just goes down in a day or two. Again, the key thing is not to mess with it. If I mess with things they always get more inflamed...I admit that now...didn't always own up to it but now I know that is true because my skin is almost clear and it really shows up if I pick at stuff.

So I'm going to do my yoga and listen to some soothing meditation tapes, take a hike, watch a movie and get through this day --- mostly getting past my mind that wants to stay in a fearful place!

Edit --- it's evening and that swelling on my chin is still with me (rats...). I hiked, listened to my tapes, and will do yoga now. My hubby - bless him - says it's nothing but I'm so afraid it's going to get redder or worse. That's the emotional agony of having had really bad acne for so many years...even when it's so much better there's the fear of it coming back again. I'm not even to the half way point of this challenge and I'm already going through incredible withdrawal...like what if this or what if that. Think I'll tune into Eckhart Tolle...maybe that'll help.

Edited by cvd, 11 November 2011 - 08:29 PM.

[changedmynamefinally]

i am doin this

[cvd]

Day 13

That swelling on my chin turned into a big pimple. Depressing! I keep an acne journal to track treatment regime and flare-ups, which helps me keep things in perspective, see progress and what works, etc. Looks like I get a big pimple like this (...not sure exactly what they are...big pimple, small cyst?...) every 3 months or so. Other than that I can get little whiteheads on my nose or chin, 1-2 blackheads and sometimes a tiny pimple that clears in a day or so --- these don't bother me at all --- my skin looks clear.

This is nothing like I used to have which was 3-4 big pimples or cysts on my chin and nose constantly, with totally inflamed red skin all the time. Now my skin is overall calm and clear with an isolated breakout on occasion. My derm thinks my condition is controlled given what it was before. But I keep on striving for more clear skin because I'm not entirely confident, especially now that she has taken me off spironolactone. I'm hoping the spearmint tea will compensate and that's why I'm particularly freaked out right now about this current blemish.

The bothersome big red blemishes I get now happen only several times a year and only one at a time. It'll start out with swelling that seems to come out of nowhere...overnight from clear skin to a big red swelling --- almost like a bug bite, lots of redness, painful sometimes. Very very unsightly because I have fair skin so it really stands out. Lately, unless I mess with it, it'll heal eneough for me to feel human again within several days or so. The key is not messing with it...if I do anything other than flake off dry skin, it'll swell up more. It's hardest when I'm traveling or having company and the urge is to relieve swelling by poking or squeezing which of course only makes things worse everytime! With this one the swelling has already gone down but it's still red. The only thing I've done is flaked off some dry skin. Although I have an incredible urge to try to pop it. Must resist...

That's the whole reason I'm doing this challenge...to resist the strong urge to mess with things. So hard...unbelievably hard. I'm sure this post must be incredibly boring for others to read since I'm going into such detail but it seems to be helping me get through this challenge...it feels like someone is listening to all the gory details and cares. Thanks!

Edited by cvd, 12 November 2011 - 12:10 PM.

[legato]

I've somewhat controlled my urge to pick and mess with acne, but not completely. I know how detrimental it can be to pick so I try to keep my hands off my face (there's not that much to pick at anyway, with most of my acne being just red, painless bumps under the skin), but where I usually go wrong is by over-treating spots. Mess with icecubes, hot compresses, tea tree oil, dots of any anti-medication that I've gathered over the years. It's all probably making things worse but it's so hard to do nothing.
This, and picking, is all a result of the acne being on the mind all the time. Checking your face everytime you see a mirror. It can absolutely take the best of me. I can relate to your statement 'fake it till you make it'. Live as if there's no problem. I'm trying so hard to do this. I've even temporarily thrown out most of my mirrors. If I'm not aware of my acne, it doesn't exist. Nobody really cares. But yes, it's the most difficult thing.

[cvd]

Day 13 (cont.)

Oh --- I totally understand about the reaction you have to over-treating spots. I had to stop doing that years ago (...although sometimes I get desperate and forget...) because those treatments always make my skin raw and even more inflammed...even the ice cube treatment and ones designed to supposedly soothe the skin (yeah right...). And hot compresses are the worst...totally inflame any spots. I've found it best just to rinse in cool water and wait those darned spots out...if I can.

This evening the awful one on my chin drained (yuck...). That's what's so awful when I do get a big one...eventhough they occur only occasionally they really hurt and I can't be around people because when the pus comes to the surface the pressure causes them to pop open and drain (...sorry...) and it is not a pretty picture. Makeup can't hide the process. It's the main thing that makes me so reclusive when I get one. And very hard for others to understand, including my derm. Because I don't have a face full of them and they only happen occasionally she doesn't usually see the big ones. If I get a flare-up --- by the time I get into the derm it's already healing and my skin heals quickly without much scarring so it's hard to know what is really happening. I feel sometimes like I'm having to try so hard to explain what is happening...and I'm too embarrased to take a picture, although maybe that'd help.

Guess I should feel good that I basically left this cyst (...or whatever it is) alone! So I'll give myself kudos for that...eventhough it's been agony to wait it out. Although to be honest it has been really hard...I even spent part of today in bed because I was so depressed about having to deal with this thing. I decided to stop fighting my sad feelings and just go with them. It felt good to lay in bed, read, drink tea, and veg out without having to worry about what others might think of me. Thankfully my husband was supportive.

I know that I'm obsessing and compared to many others on this forum, have nothing to complain about. But all I know is that I am affected by how my skin looks...not by little blemishes, only the big ones when I get them. And the fear of when I might get another one. Crazy!

[legato]

On overtreating: Have you tried tea tree oil as a sport treatment? I think it may be too irritating but last week I killed an upcoming spot on the side of my nose in about 2 hours. I was amazed. Then again it doesn't seem to work for cysts, nothing really does : (

[cvd]

Day 14

No I haven't tried tea tree oil as a spot treatment. Yeah - that's the problem with cystic like lesions --- they're too deep to be affected much by spot treatments...and at least for me, they are also usually too inflamed and just get redder if I put anything on them.

Good news...I'm slowly getting over the flare and doing pretty well. Swelling has gone down but there's still a red bump...although now it just looks like a regular but large pimple versus a red mountain! Didn't mess with anything today - yeah! Amazing to me how even getting 1 inflamed cyst (...or whatever it was...) freaks me out. Total PTSD experience. I hate it...hate the whole process of inflammation and then waiting for it to drain. It's so yucky and embarrassing and I feel so out of control. I'm weary of the whole process, especially because I have had a taste of clearer skin. I want clearer skin all the time! And it makes me mad that my derm thinks my skin is under control...even though it is much much better than it's ever been. I see other people with little blemishes here and there but rarely see an adult with big inflamed cysts...even one at a time like I get them...and that's the hard truth. I guess I should be thankful I'm only getting them every few months. Although as I said above I'm worried about how my skin will do now that I'm totally off of the spironolactone.

[cvd]

Day 15

Doing much better overall. Did not mess with my skin today except for flaking off some dry skin. Feeling better about things. Have set an appointment with my doctor's nutritionist to go over my allergies and fine tune my diet. I think that these periodic flare-ups may come from my body being stressed out, not only emotionally but possibly because I goof up my diet. I have some specific food allergies, etc. that I have to pay attention to and I try to fudge things sometimes, especially when other areas of my life are stressed...as they are now. I'm also going to get a 2nd opinion from another dermatologist to make sure I'm doing everything I can to keep clear. I think I shouldn't have to deal with even periodic flare-ups!

[cvd]

Day 16

Oh holy crap --- I can't believe this...my derm stopped the spiro a month ago and my skin is starting to behave badly. She and I hoped the tretinoin cream alone would keep my skin clear. The cyst I got last week finally started to go down (still red though) but another one has popped up right next to it and is all red and my t-zone is getting much oilier. Shit (sorry). I HATE this. I feel so helpless!

I have a call into my derm but her asst. hasn't called back. I really can not stand these things. And I was so hopeful. Now I feel bad about touting the wonders of tretinoin cream...I mean it has made my skin (except for these 2 red things) look much better and smoother but it seems to do very little for the deep ones like I'm battling now. I also have an appt with my nutritionist and have scheduled an appt with another derm for a second opinion. Is it too much to ask that I have relatively clear skin?

And I thought keeping this log was just going to be about not picking. Maybe I unconsciously knew I was up for a struggle because the spiro was stopped...who knows? Anyway it feels good to bare my soul as it were and if I can give myself any sense of accomplishment it's that I haven't messed with my skin...I'm just watching it flare-up...

Edited by cvd, 15 November 2011 - 11:58 AM.

[legato]

Ive gone through the same thing with my differin - starting to get convinced it had liberated me from the deep acne, only to see a few cysts/deep lesions pop up in just a few days. I can totally see how stressful this is for you. It knocked me down pretty badly, terrified to have to go through a full outbreak of everlasting cysts like "the old days." Btw i ALWAYS have that: spots appearing right next to existing or fading ones. Like it's spreading.
I dont know what its like in your region, but its been getting well cold here and my face and body are extremely dry. I think the change in humidity and temperature may have had a negative effect..
Im keeping up with the log to not pick or overtreat, all i can say is stay strong! Try to forget about your reflection for a few days. Best.

Edited by legato, 15 November 2011 - 06:46 PM.