4 replies to this topic

[myfaceee]

After finding out how many other people are suffering with this problem & realizing we have our own subcategory in the forums- I decided to post this as a topic (not just a reply to another topic)... hopefully this helps!


I just joined acne.org so that I could post on this thread. It's hard to admit that i have this same problem. This is the first time I am admitting any of this publicly (although I used a fake name to create this account & shudder at the idea of my friends in real life... finding out).. I have scars from past picking episodes, from one time in high school when I caused this huge hole/indentation in my cheek when I couldn't get the perceived threat to emerge, yet kept picking even well after I had exposed subcutaneous layers of skin that are we are not meant to be familiar with. Nobody knows that I currently have this problem except my husband (who I forbid in the bathroom while I am grooming) & possibly my parents who used to beg me to "stop plucking my eyebrows:� b/c that's what I said I was doing when I would lock myself in the bathroom for hours. My friends just think I'm not social or busy & have no idea that I can't emerge from the house when my skin is so bad that even makeup wont cover the marks. They all think my skin is perfect & some are even jealous because I simply will not be seen in public under less than "perfect"� circumstances. My husband is the only person alive who has seen me without makeup (after picking) & after my last picking episode asked what was wrong with my forehead b/c he thought I had chicken pox! I somehow managed to confine my picking strictly in the forehead/hairline area & the rest of my face was completely blemish/scab free. (i know this post is long- if you want to skip to the good part just read the last two paragraphs & skip the sob story part...)

My "ritual" involves sitting in the sink basin so I can be as close to the mirror & sink as possible. I have a magnification mirror that is 15x which I use with tweezers & clean tissues. It always starts with simple eyebrow maintenance (and sometimes, more often than not- lately- ends there) & then moves on to picking. I would say that my degree of OCD or Dermatillomania or whatever one wants to call it is moderate, although I have gone through worse periods and maybe even full months without picking. Okay, let's be honest. I am the same as all of you and also have NEVER had an actual BLEMISH or whitehead i did not pick. If it hurts, i will pick it 100% of the time to release the pressure & start the "healing process" So, realistically- I have gone months without picking at imagined blemishes. I've been on Retin-A for about a year, use the oil cleansing method (caster oil) and jojoba oil as a moisturizer & can honestly say that my skin is nearly perfect (in between picking episodes.) I had a bad picking episode- the forehead one, about a week ago that was mostly healed & today when I got out of the shower my skin was radiant (despite the few/microscopic, nearly healed, self- inflicted wounds.) I hadn't plucked my eyebrows in a few days so I decided to pluck a few and about 1 hr- 1.5hrs later I emerged with a whole face resembling hamburger meat.

I have also been on that stoppickingonme site (along with others) and have quit for short periods. For me it's totally a perfectionism thing and yes, my psychotic mind telling me that there is dirt/sebum that has to be extracted!! From what I have read from labgirl on here Retin-A thins the top layer of the dermis and for me, it's weird; It's like my top layers are nearly invisible/transparent & i can actually see these TINY/microscopic blackheads that are actually UNDERNEATH the surface & completely invisible to a normal person. They are not at the surface, invisible to the naked eye, and NOT "ready" to be popped/extracted. I will try and squeeze the hard sebum/clogged pore- you know, the little yellow plug that resembles a grain of rice?- out and am usually quite successful. (even with these under surface ones- although they will bleed every time, without exception.) If I ever actually wait for a visible whitehead pimple to erupt to the surface I am quite proficient at the extraction and THOSE will usually go away in a day without any trace (yet probably re-emerge, according to what i've read). I know what I'm doing is counter productive but I convince myself that I am staving off the enemy before it emerges and that I am somehow combating the problem before it has a chance to get worse. Never do I think that I am actually the CAUSE of the problem.

I have found that the areas that tend to scab the worst, are hardest to cover up with makeup, and tend to not produce the intended result/relief are just around my mouth & chin where I will often continue to squeeze even after the skin breaks & bleeds trying to get the goo out & ending up with a wound that takes over a week to heal & looks terrible the whole time. Pretty much anywhere else I can somehow always convince myself that I am "making progress" or fixing something- I actually believe that I am ridding myself of these impurities and will emerge on the other side "better". I don't think about the future while I'm doing it, but it kind of seems like I will always tell myself that this is the last time, or that I am a professional at this and know what I am doing. These internal conversations are totally unconscious, of course. I haven't been able to identify any "trigger" or particular stress, nor is my life stressful to begin with. At the time, when I am about to pick I am fully identifying with this seemingly logical part of my brain that is saying, "We just have to get this stuff out & then everything will be better." This time is different! There is no throwing on the brakes- because I have yet again, convinced myself that I am fully in control, and *THIS* time, I know what i'm doing & it NEEDS to be done! Then, once you start- of course, you tear up your whole delicate face before you realize you just let a mad person hack away at your face with sharp implements.

This is obviously self delusion and simply bat sh*t crazy when you take into account that this "perfect"complexion I am striving for will never happen b/c it is totally non-human to never have a single blocked pore. The damage I cause by picking keeps me inside the house for weeks at a time. I am somehow able to completely avoid touching/looking/picking for days but then I have a makeup session to squeeze out all the accumulated gunk I let fester.

I googled Retin-A skin picking and this is the third thread I have read on the issue, so I'm not sure if it was this thread but some words that someone said really resonated with me, she was saying that (I just checked & it was lilypale- on this thread) the obsession feeds the behavior. I think it's the first time I have realized the DEGREE of my diseased brain that has inflicted so much pain & turmoil on my poor mutilated/healed/mutilated face. I love physical intimacy and I have found myself avoiding sex because I'm afraid that my husband will kiss/rub my makeup off & be revolted at what I have done to myself.

I joined for this one simple reason- to let you know there IS A SOLUTION & it's not counseling (although that can help too) or delving deeper into your obsessive brain. The only success I have had at controlling, or rather- observing and not acting on my crazy thoughts has come from what I have learned from Eckhart Tolle. I have read all of his books, but "A New Earth" and "The Power of Now" basically explain how our brains/thoughts are not meant to control us- and we should be able to turn them off. It's basically a course on meditation and I cannot recommend it enough!! This is the cure, I am not kidding. And take solace in knowing that we are not the only ones with such a grave problem; Overeating, Undereating, ALL addictions (whether they be alcohol, TV, Sex, food, porn, overworking, or other drugs) all stem from this same problem of not being able to turn off your brain & using these unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress or avoid pain. (and if you are not acting out in some way, you are probably internalizing your stress and making yourself sick!) Netflix the show, "Obsessed"� - there was an episode about a girl who washed the inside of her colon with a toothbrush that made me physically ill- until i realized that if we switched places and she had to watch me pick away at my face she would probably be equally disturbed. It's different brands of the exact same problem- OCD- whether it manifests as hand-washing, pulling hair, picking your skin, extreme, mild, etc. it's simply a branch of the same problem, it's OUR addiction- although we have chosen a rather unpleasant (and socially debilitating/embarrassing/non conventional) method of stress relief - we wouldn't keep returning to this behavior if it didn't work to some degree psychologically, or unconsciously- at soothing us. And that is the whole point. You completely zone out, become unconscious in a way, when you are so ultra absorbed in this behavior, you loose track of time & everything going on around you. You are in your own stress free world- until you back away from the mirror and realize the destruction you have caused. It's not worth it!

When you read these books you will have small breakthroughs- it's actually really simple to do. What he says is that you are the person behind your mind- the observer who can watch the "thinker" or the endless stream of thoughts, and to concentrate on the empty space between the thoughts. You slowly begin to dis- identify with your mind or ego and your thoughts have less power to control you. It's so incredibly easy to practice- you start to forget to do it. That's where my problems recur. You have to make an actual effort at BEING CONSCIOUS every moment, of every day. Those are the times when I can go swimming or boating and let the world see my face. I have had great success with this method of "staying present" and not letting my mind convince me to mutilate my body. It takes a lot of practice, but it is the missing link, the realization you must come to before you can take on the idea of giving up this refuge- this behavior that your habituated mind has talked you into believing you must do to feel relief- the key to finally getting your "perfect" face!! You know how you feel when you are in the middle of a "picking"� episode- (for me it's hard to describe because it's really like I don't feel- it's a numb sort of out of body experience- where time stops and I lose all sense of my real problems/ deadlines/ to do list.) You know the feeling? You might be "stressing"� over getting the gunk out of your face, but you completely forget EVERYTHING else? Well, you can feel that way really rather easily on your own terms, without the need to botch up your face. You can do it anytime you want & not be embarrassed or ashamed. If you are conscious & practice every time you go in front of a mirror, you will have absolutely no desire to pick. It's like a miracle & really easy- also, easier said than done. You'll know what i'm talking about. It's an instant transformation- that is only temporary unless you practice. Seriously get on amazon and get a used copy- or go to the library. Eckart Tolle has saved my life on more levels than one- and this is just the beginning. The weird thing is that I never drew the connection between my picking & my level of consciousness until today, I really never wanted to stop, until now. I know I can do it, if only for the times I am in the bathroom or in front of a mirror. I will practice being conscious during these times and I know it will work! I hope this helps!

*as a side note, did anyone see Dr. Oz on Oprah last week? Google "dr oz pops zit" and you will see something TOTALLY revolting. His method of popping a zit involves a needle & seems totally barbaric, even to me! *I guess, especially to me, as I am always so "careful" and try to preserve as much healthy tissue as possible. Anyway, the reason i'm bringing it up is because the show's title was "Are you normal?" and the reason he was there was because this lady was obsessed with popping zits, not even just her own- she did her husbands and children too. Anyway, Dr. Oz said that it was completely normal and that, get this, ONE IN FIVE women compulsively pick at their skin as some sort of evolutionary grooming instinct. I'm sure there is some weight behind this idea, anthropologically, yet I have had NO luck in finding his source or where he found this statistic that 20% of all women have this problem. Can it be true? Wouldn't we have heard about it? Are our friends doing this same thing and we are all just too ashamed to admit it? It kinda totally blows my mind. Also, has anyone ever watched the pus/zit popping videos on youtube? I find them fairly revolting yet strangely pleasurable at the same time? There is something about popping a zit that is similar to a mini- orgasm. I know it's wrong, but I've never had anyone to talk to about this! My husband thinks I'm totally demented for liking those videos. LOL, I guess I am. Wait, one more question... Do you guys pick at your cuticles too? THAT is going to be WAY harder to stop. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember & find myself doing it often during movies or while I am reading. I used to rock climb and kind of kept that as an excuse for when people ask me why my finger is bleeding or scabbed, or just in terrible shape in general.

Please let me know if this helps anyone!! I know how hard and embarrassing this problem is!

Edited by myfaceee, 05 November 2011 - 10:50 PM.

[cvd]

I think you've captured really well the inner mental state of how it feels while picking. It's a timeless numb feeling with an inner voice urging more picking. And then afterwards coming back to being "conscious" and very ashamed of what's been done! So if I hear you correctly the key is to somehow be "conscious" beforehand. I'm going to try reading Eckhart Tolle and see if that helps. I'm aware of "mindfulness" techniques which I think may be similiar. The hard part is not slipping into the unconscious state of mind unawares and then waking up to discover the damage that's been done.

How's your skin doing now?

[Claire73]

I actually have so much to say to the poster, but I'm a perfectionist about how I need to share a totally perfect story, but know that I'm too tired to pull that off right now. Instead of scrapping the whole plan, I'll simply say this.

I've battled skin picking life long - face, arms, legs... far worse in my late 20s/and 30s, and ramped up a notch by the stimulant I take for ADD (which has been the determined reason why I turn to skin picking in the first place - nice cycle there - good grief...). ;-)

I know there are sites and books and 12 step programs for us, but nothing has ever "clicked". I'd always wondered if I'm just lazy about really working on this, or if I hadn't found "my" answer yet.

The other night I heard about the Tolle book, and felt like (for multiple reasons) that it was "meant to be" that I was learning about it. Tonight, checking out skin sites, I stumbled onto someone else mentioning Tolle and thought - OMG, there's something to this... When I refined my Google search to "Tolle and skin picking", your post came up.

Now, of course, I'm convinced that this is "my" answer - along with how I laughed out loud at your post - very familiar... )

So, please forgive me for not sharing my whole story right now - but know it's VERY similar to yours, and that I hear my thoughts in your words. I will definitely be reading the book A New Earth, and want to thank you for taking the time to write about it. Your post was the one that made that "meant to be" feeling, feel even more meant to be. xo

[cakeonaplate]

Eckhart Tolle wisdom sounds promising

But I never quite understood how to use it! Is it as simple as just looking around and noticing the room, the way everything looks, or is it deeper?

I remember he talks of "feeling your energy field" or something, and I didn't know what he meant by that.

what are some simple ways to stay present?

[myfaceee]

Sorry for the long absence from this forum!! My skin has been GREAT this past year and i actually totally forgot I even had an acne.org membership since i haven't needed to be online looking for acne relief! I just signed in to do a search on coconut oil and realized I should probably reply to this post and give you all an update. I stopped picking. In this past year I've picked under 10 times total & only one time did I cause the sort of damage that kept me indoors for a few days. I will say that my skin is remarkable and the body's ability to heal it's self- Incredible. I stopped picking my usual areas completely and find myself even leaving my eyebrows un-groomed for days at a time now which would have NEVER happened before, EVER. I stopped using Loreal instant tanner face lotion which I think was contributing to the appearance of blackheads (whether existent or imagined.) I did have some weird bouts with spots (blackheads) near my ear on the side of my face which instigated MOST of the "picking" (and the one actual wound) in the past year. I stopped using SA cleaner and switched back to BP cleanser. I use retin a on my forehead only and a pea sized amount of BP 5% spread between the hollows of my cheeks (and the side of my face near my ears)... and then slather on the jojoba oil. AND that's it. I will sometimes use an extractor on the very small blackheads on my nose before bed and then throw some BP on it, but i don't sit at the mirror for hours and analyze and pick. It's kind of a miracle.

I've been using sunscreen daily, (off brand sensitive skin oil of olay lotion) since i was like 10 and often am mistaken for someone 7-10 years younger. People often comment on how great my skin is. I have glowing, radiant, luscious skin. Really. I wish I could pin down the exact moment it all completely came together for me but I think I summed it up pretty well in my last post. I stopped using picking as a form of stress relief. I limit my use of the magnification mirror (the little suction cup broke off the back- which helps). If you are prone to using a magnification mirror, rip the suction cups off! I know the idea of getting RID of it all together is blasphemy, but if you rip the suction cups off you cannot physically stick it to the mirror and in order to use it you must hold it with one hand. It really limits your time spent grooming. I try to be present all of the time. I'm still a work in progress but I still stand behind my Eckhart Tolle reading suggestion 110% as that is what really made it all come together and make sense to me FINALLY. The only thing about E. Tolle is you have to be ready for his message. You have to be in such a place where you are susceptible to change or it will just seem like gibberish and you won't be able to get through even the first chapter.

Also Claire73- IDK if you're active on this anymore either but I don't think it's a coincidence that I ALSO have adhd and have been medicated since I was a child... I know that ADHD and OCD are kind of in the same spectrum of mental disorders but never thought of the medication as the cause of the picking? Hmmmm.... Interesting thought. I am interested in your story if you ever decide to get back on here! Also wondering if mindfulness has helped anyone else? I'm SO glad that sharing my story has brought even a bit of relief to even ONE person out there and can attest that with a little bit of effort and some meditation one can attain victory over this shameful condition! And cakeonaplate- it's a LITTLE bit deeper than that- but not much. The idea is to OBSERVE your thoughts and then at some point you end stop identifying with them... At that point you are no longer ruled by the psychotic frenzied mind which commands that you massacre your face! The more space you create between your crazy mind and your true self you are able to hold onto the feeling longer and longer and then even if you're having a bad day or even if you ACTUALLY have a huge zit you are not COMPELLED to dig at your face. You might pop it & you might not. You can actually step back and realize that it's okay either way. I had a fully formed white head on my chin last week that I just completely left alone (one of the rare times in my life) and it just went away on it's own! No puss, no blood, no scar, no endless hours trapped in the bathroom. I am not 100% perfect nor consider myself totally healed- mentally, but if you passed me on the street you would NEVER think that I have a care in the world to do with my skin (and this is without using concealer or any type of coverup).


I'm racking my brain trying to come up with any other little hints that have helped me but I will say it one more time that the real reason I have any sort of mental sanity and have stopped torturing my face is one thing- or person, Eckhart Tolle. He saved my life any my face.

Edited by myfaceee, 05 November 2011 - 10:39 PM.