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[aprilmay]

DAY 45

grrr new spots, new spots. of course on the bad side. 4 more actives, its like a freaking war zone!! not so much because of the new spots, they are small and should go away in 4-7 days, but because of the red spots!! i hate them sooo much. very frustrating. let me tell you that i am ridiculously fair. thats the nice way of saying it, anothery way is: i am super white. in hs my waterpolo/swim team nicknamed me lightbulb, snowflake, powderpuff ect ect. i didnt mind so much back then, but now it really highlights my red spots. booo....

anyways, on a more serious note im going to add another cause to my onset of acne. firstly i thought it was the lack of exfoliation causing the whiteheads. which is true, however i failed to asses the cause of the cysts. i was going through a great deal of stress in my life, boy trouble. and not just the run of the mill boy trouble, but huge real-emotion-racking boy trouble. bleh. no need to go into specifics, but it was really rattling me to the core. my previously high self-esteem plummeted. i felt inadequate, insecure, and self conscious all the time. i compared my self to other girls and found flaws where there were none.

enter: my skin. whiteheads that previously weren't noticed, i picked at. which caused trauma in my skin that i failed to attribute to my psychological state. the sadness caused cysts, the picking caused the whiteheads to become infected and here i am. this isn't a sad conclusion for me at all, i am so glad to have finally figured out the etiology of my acne. any topical is only treating the acne, which i have understood to be the SYMPTOM of a larger illness. for so long i have regarded acne as a "war" that i had to "attack," now i know otherwise. my skin isn't rebelling against me, its only reacting to the stress i put it under (picking and mental sadness/depression).

this is a hugely long post and i commend anybody who reads it. its also a very personal realization for me, which im posting because 1. its therapeutic, 2. im not worried that anybody will recognize me and 3. it might help somebody else. im very happy to finally know what the fuck has been going on with my mind and body. i failed to realize how psychological my case was and still is. i know this isn't the case with all or even most acne. however if your face decides to freak the fuck out, and you have no history of acne, i would seriously recommend looking into a deeper cause.

its crazy not being able to control something so public (c'mon its your fucking FACE), you can control what you wear, how you talk, what you watch, what you read, the food you eat, almost everything about yourself and your environment. but you can't always control your acne (if youre lucky enough to find the product that controls it, kudos to you). as a person who likes to take control of her life i find this aspect especially excruciating. end note: patience.

MILGIRL: "asian glow" is when asians get really red in the face after consuming teeny tiny amounts of alcohol. also called the "russian glow" which screws me over doubly because my other half is russian haha. im giving up drinking just until the spots subside, which could be a while....but whatever....im 20 anyways....thanks for turning me onto the suppliments!! they seem to be helping

AMERICANINPARIS: yay for progress! or at least getting back to square 1...lol. i was so bummed reading youre milk/cheese story, dairy is just so tasty, it must be soo hard to give it up. i feel your pain as i share your love of cheese haha. goodluck!!

[americaninparis]

It's definitely true that going through this process we learn so much about ourselves: both our skin, and what's going on within. I'm so glad that you're finding out more, and are able to have a forum to talk about your process here. I know I've always been an anxious person, dealing with emotional issues myself, and I'm sure that has a factor with acne.
As for me, I'm sorry to report that I've definitely had a biggish breakout this week. Not picking, continuing my regimen, and aggressively treating with AHA had kept anything from getting full blown, but it's still been pretty damn frustrating, since I thought I had taken a definitive turn for the better.
In any case, things are not nearly as bad as they were before (fingers FIRMLY crossed on this one) and there's no way I'm quitting before the 12 week mark.

Big hugs

[americaninparis]

well, I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last few hours since I posted (seriously, if one day they discover that thinking about acne is the root cause of it, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest) and have decided I am making some serious changes to my regimen that I thought I would update you on.
Nothing, NOTHING except my liquid tretinoin, is going on my face that is not 100% natural. That means NO more AHA cream treatment (the other day I had some extra on my hands and put it on my chest, had a breakout there the next day), and mixing my liquid tretinoin with jojoba oil instead of cetaphil lotion how I've been doing. For spot treatment I will use 100% tea tree oil. Since I've had such a great experience with the OCM, I'm becoming more convinced that this is the best thing for my sensitive skin, AND will be the best way to see if retin-a is effective in the long run.
Today I also used my rooibos tea bag as a toner, and it was a strange experience but did make my skin feel super super calm after. I can't say I'm loving this tea, I've been a big green tea fan (but have stopped since I heard it causes breakouts in some people, and I'm trying to cut down on my caffeine) but rooibos tea has this smell that reminds me of these flea collars that we used to put on our cats. That's really the only way I can describe it. Not the best association
But, it's winter in Paris, around freezing, and a warm cup of tea is still nice, even if it has a funny smell.

aprilmay, I'm sorry, sometimes I definitely feel like I've taken over your log in order to post my own progress. It's not my intent at all so I hope it's ok. My hope is that my ramblings might help someone, but who knows! Some days I feel like I just don't know what is best.

[MilGirl]

I agree that the rooibos tea isn't the best tasting, but I've grown used to it. I don't really sip it, I gulp it. I enjoy other teas, but I drink this one because I enjoy how my skin looks and I like it as a toner now and then!

[aprilmay]

DAY 47

things are still blah on the face front. this is the bad side, the mac flash kinda blends it all together so its actually worse than it looks. the marks are alot more prominent and red.... esp in normal light....

AMERICANINPARIS: that does seem like a good idea, that way you know the retin-a is doing its thing w/o any interference. and i love that you post in here!! please dont stop, ramble away

MILGIRL: im buying rooibos tomorrow! what exactly is it known for? im no good in the health food front, years of swimming and polo have turned me into a monster. meaning, quantity over quality; i just kinda eat whats in front of me....no matter what it is. but i have been learning!!

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[americaninparis]

Something that never ceases to amaze me, and that I was reminded of by seeing your photo, is how everyone's skin is sooo different. For me, I've maybe had five pimples on my cheeks in my entire life. It makes no sense to me since I'm always using my phone, ALWAYS touching my face there, and have hair that brushes it constantly. My chin and area around my mouth on the other hand. . . yikes! It's all just so strange to me what causes this acne, and why. I mean, I've heard from everyone that acne around the mouth for women is hormonal, but who knows. I've had it there before and after being on BC. I think it's genetic, that's where both my sisters get it.
Anyway, I'm loving my ditching the AHA and being on totally natural products so far. No new pimples have developed and the ones I've had before have been stopped in their tracks. I'm beginning to think that the retinoid journey is kind of like a big roller-coaster that steadily goes up, but you have some dips and set backs along the way. Trying to cut back on my caffeine intake (it's reeeeally hard) and been drinking 4-5 cups of rooibos tea a day. They have it for pretty cheap in an organic store here, 1.15 euro for 10 bags (about 1 dollar 75). Sounds a lot cheaper than they have in the states. And it's called "African Summer"! O la la. From what I've read about rooibos tea, it's really good for skin and a bunch of other conditions. How it works I have no idea, but I know it's absolutely packed with antioxidants. Using it as a toner has been interesting, I pretty much rub that tea bag all around my face when I'm finished and it's still a bit warm. I noticed that initially it really brings out the red spots on my face, but afterwards my skin feels really calm. The smell of the tea still brings back bad memories, but the taste is growing on me. Also, with my naturally dry skin and the cold weather, my skin is literally drinking up jojoba oil. It's crazy. I'm not really flaking but just generally dry, and who knew that slathering oil on my face could make it feel so damn good? Those cetaphil days are loooong gone.
It's in the 20s today in Paris and I think I'm getting sick, so no class for me, back to bed for me before I pick up the girls from school. Driving in this city - only for the brave.
Keep on trucking, Aprilmay and Milgirl, we'll beat this acne yet!

[MilGirl]

The rooibos tea has way more antioxidants than mere green tea and is known to improve overall health and skin. It's doing pretty well for me. It does seem strange to put it on your face, but when it dries, my skin feels calm and soothed. I don't do it all the time, but often once in the evening after I've cleansed my skin with oil, well before I get around to applying my retin-a. That still sounds so odd to me - I cleaned my face by putting OIL on it! LOL!

The jojoba oil feels so good. I have been putting it on prior to applying makeup - not too much, just enough that it moisturizes and helps blend the makeup. FYI, it's a great base! I bought extra makeup sponges so I can just use and toss. I've spent so much on my face lately, what's a couple more bucks? I put the oil on, let it sit and soak in for a few, then dab lightly with a tissue so it's even. Then I put on my green, then skin colored concealers where needed. I don't use foundation. I get a clean sponge and apply powder by dabbing it on. It sets the concealer and I actually get an overall coverage thanks to the oil. It makes my skin appear to be all 1 color instead of different shades, scars, and some zits here and there! AND it holds up pretty darn well, even under the stressful condition of full chemical warfare gear (including, yes, the gas mask) for an hour today.

Oh, as Americaninparis mentions, my skin is weird, too! I sleep on my right side much more than my left, so one would assume my right would be the bad side but it's not. My left is the bad side. I take pains to clean my phone daily, as well as my head phones for the gym, etc. I try really hard not to touch my face. Yet for some reason, that darn left cheek keeps breaking out! Of course I battle the T Zone, mostly my chin and lately forehead, but that's pretty common. My oil production is definitely down, too! I've been going for a month on this retin-a and am going to call the Dr to request she refill it as I am liking it so far!

[aprilmay]

DAY 51

kinda grumpy about my skin right now. i seem to be at a stand still... still!! red marks fade so slowly while new bumps continue to emerge. the ratio isn't looking good because the bumps come faster than the red marks fade. trying to stay positive is really hard sometimes! lets see... something positive.... i havent picked my skin in a little over a week which is good for me, usually ill pick a little when im frustrated but i resisted for 7 days. yay!

AMERICANINPARIS: cutting back on caffeine cant hurt right? but i agree that its really hard. retinoids are starting to take a toll on me (along with other things) but im glad we can all vent on the org. it makes things a bit more bearable. im totally ready to get off this roller coaster... anyways cali is much warmer than 20 right now! i remember you said you were from here??? the high was 78 today

MILGIRL: ive been hesitant to try the tea on my face, but i did gulp down a cup today! lol mere green tea...i might have to jump on your oil moisturizer train as well...

[americaninparis]

Arrrg, believe me, I KNOW how tough it is!! These red marks are driving me crazy as well. I know I said I'd switched to an all-natural regimen but I've been dabbing neosporin with a q-tip on the red marks that need healing and it seems to help them.
ALSO, very important announcement that since I started drinking rooibos 5 times a day I have not had ONE new pimple. That means that now I currently have one semi-active (you know when you can't tell if it's coming or going?) and that's it. Dramatic, considering I was in the midst of a semi-big breakout! So definitely give it a try!
I know that since I just said that I will jinx it, but things are looking good on my skin right now. At least things can be easily covered with makeup when they're just red marks. I really wanted clear skin for Christmas cause I'll have a lot of people at my house, but oh well. New Year's maybe?
Going off caffeine has been reeeally hard, and to be honest I still have about one caffeinated drink per day. But I've noticed since I've stopped my level of anxiety has gone down. Less stress = less acne.
As for lactose, still off the milk. still off the yogurt. cheese, NEVER!

And yes, I'm from the Santa Barbara area and am soooo excited to go back home and get some warmth! It's snowing here now which is picturesque, but not good for my cold and dry skin.

Sending good face vibes your way! Also, one week without picking??? I'm gonna commission the Nobel prize committee to send you a prize, cause that is ridiculous. Good work!

[MilGirl]

Yes, rooibos tea is some good stuff, & I know it feels weird to apply it to your face but OMG it feels heavenly! After it dries (I dab off any drips), my skin gets very soothed w/a matte appearance. I also put neosporin on if I have one that looks to need "disinfecting." Just a dab. Otherwise, it's all natural stuff. So far, so good! I need to enforce my tea drinking times today better than the past 2 days. It's been SO busy at work!!

On the downside, I got a "survival guide" for my new assignment (South Korea). Apparently, almost everyone who goes gets terrible breakouts. They suspect environmental factors (although I also suspect change in diet - hard to get the same types of food one eats here & the freshness is suspect). They said the Korean kids all are broken out, too. I'm calling the Dr today for a refill of Retin-A, try to get her to give me a surplus before I fly out in 2 months for my 13 month tour over there. In the meantime, I'm continuing with my current plan. I will spend extra cash in January buying a surplus of items I use here to ship over in my household goods as they aren't available where I am going & shipping times can take in excess of 6 wks. Not good! Not sure yet what I'll end up doing with my diet, though!

[americaninparis]

Hey aprilmay!

Hope the reason we haven't heard from you is cause you've been having a fab holiday, and not cause you're struggling with your treatment! I need to report that I'm coming up on week 12 and my skin looks better than it has in almost A YEAR, I haven't had a single new pimple/whitehead ANYTHING in more than a week, and my red marks are nearly gone. Aside from rooibos tea and taking Lactase supplements, my diet has been all over the place, with the holidays too!
This stuff works if you stick with it!

[SameSongAndDance]

I just want to say, I'm on day 97 and am not near 100% clear. This had been an arduous journey and has really taken a tole on my psyche. Although I don't seem to get cysts, nodules or papules anymore, I'm now stuck with a bunch of flesh colored whiteheads and of course, the infamous red marks/ hyper pigmentation. IMO, I'm not sure it was worth clearing up the 2-3 cysts I'd get every week or so. I'm just not sure. Sorry if I'm a downer.


P.S I'm on .025 so your results will definitely differ..

[americaninparis]

Hey there,

Have you looked into upping your dose? Check out amorfati's log, she was in the same place as you until she upped her dose I wouldn't be surprised if you see results after that. Good luck

[aprilmay]

DAY 63

bad updating because of holiday cheer, oops.

my skin has not been reacting well to retin a. i realllly dont like it still.... so around day 50 i stopped. i know thats only a month and a half but i really did not like where things were going. 7 weeks and my breakouts were getting worse and worse? no thanks. unfortunately RAM was just changing my annoying-to-me-but-not-to-others whiteheads into cysts that would take several weeks to heal. i know the "correct" decision would be to tough it out another month, but it just didnt feel right for me. so i just trust my gut and quit at day 50 annnnd i like what i see. i didnt really notice any changes until i took this picture, of course the macbook flash makes eveything look way more even than in real life. still there is a noticeable difference yay!!

ive been 17 days without picking now and it makes soo much difference, of course ive had a couple slip ups but i dont beat myself up too much about it, its the long meticulous picking sessions that im trying to avoid.

AMERICANINPARIS: sb is great i love camping there in the summer, beaches and hiking!! im so glad your skin is looking great!! you def deserve it after months of retin a induced purging!! ive started going out without makeup as well, the marks are super noticeable (picture makes it look so tame) and its wayyy worse than when i started but ive grown a fuck-it attitude that makes it easier to live with until it fades completely.

SAMESONGANDDANCE: word. ive stopped already, it just didnt feel right to me ya know? youre no downer, looking back on my blog I'M the downer haha. uhhh on that note hopefully you find something that works too! ive just been using BHA and its pretty good for now, well see in a couple weeks whether its a permanent solution or not.

MILGIRL: yikes!! s korea sounds like breakout hell. i live where there are a ton of asians so i get to try all kinds of asian food and i def like korean food if that means anything! of course there is some weird shit out there but the generic stuff is really tasty, like korean tofu soup and korean bbq (aka bulgogi) kimchi (pickled cabbage) rice and seaweed yummmm. i agree with the level of freshness of the food though, im sure the ingredient here are much better.

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Edited by aprilmay, 29 December 2009 - 11:29 PM.

[Fabbi:)]

Attack whiteheads with mario Badescu's drying lotion! $17 only! And trust me, the bastards will dry miserably and soon die! Bwa-haha Okay, seriously...it works. I bought it online since I don't live in New York. (I'd luvvvv to visit the times square though lol). http://www.mariobadescu.com/
Give it 2 nights, and they'll leave al right
Lookey if you're curious:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIqqkvjI6X8
It's great for emergencies when they happen to appear at the wrong spot, on the wrong time
p.S: Go for the RAM

[americaninparis]

Hey aprilmay,

Sorry to hear that the Retin-A didn't work out for you. It's definitely a bitch of a medicine. I never imagined that my skin could ever be as bad as it was the 9 weeks of my IB on Retin-A. I hope you find something that works for you and keep posting on your progress! We'll be here to support.

x

[aprilmay]

DAY SOMETHING

so ive only had 2 breakouts ive had since my last update one was a tiny whitehead and the other..... the fucking hugest undertheskin bump (not zit) of my life. its actually still there....lurking. its deep in the dermis def hormonal or stress related. im really confused by whats causing it, but im going to say birth control? ive been getting large under the skin bumps since late august which is about the time i started yasmin. i dont know how to categorize them since i never really get deeeeeeep zits. they never come to a head. they last about a week (fingers crossed). are this big _______ across. reside really deep under the skin and are very painful. so im really clueless to what it is or whats causing it (them? since theyve been popping up about 1ce or 2ce a month). if anyone has any idea what they are or whats could cause them id love to hear about it!!


in other news marks are fading but slowly!! accidentally unloaded two. per usual mac makes it look better than it really is. the monster bump is under the red patch of my skin.

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Edited by aprilmay, 11 January 2010 - 12:50 AM.

[americaninparis]

ouch!! That doesn't look fun : ( I suffered almost exclusively from big, deep under the skin pimples for years too, always around my mouth so I guess they were hormonal. Luckily, I haven't had one of those for weeks thanks to the Retin-A, so keep that in mind if you're ever considering starting again. How's your skin doing overall? Happy with the change?

In other news, I just ate an entire maple candy snowman left over from Christmas. Even though my stomach will probably hate me and my dentist love me, HOLY YUM!!

[aprilmay]

AMERICANINPARIS: overall im happy with my skin, its going back to the way it was before RAM which wasnt that bad in the first place. the whiteheads that were bothering me so much are mostly gone and hopefully using BHA will keep my pores from clogging. i stopped birth control so well see in the next month or so if that stops the hard lumps from coming. im guessing my body doesnt like the high amount of potency of progestin the in the yasmin. i usually get a lump the week before my period and when i took plan b (super high dose of progestin) i grew the largest lump ever. well see if this is just coincidence or if my theory is correct!!

hows youre new retin a skin treating you? well i hope! im happy its working out so well for you!! and yumm maple

word up if you grow a huge-headless lump: ice it like crazy (3-4 times a day) and take motrin (non steroid anti inflammatory). it wont make it go away but itll make it go away faster.

[MilGirl]

That sounds like a gigantic cyst. They SUCK. OMG. I'm sorry for you. I am with you on the hormonal cause, however. I'm pretty damn sure that's what happened to me last fall when I suddenly started breaking out badly - worse than ever in my life. I literally had 12 when I bothered to count them one day. They hurt, swell up, and rarely ever come to a head, not to mention they distort your facial features. I can't say mine were as huge as you describe but I did get several in a row like a "colony" all moved in and setting up camp to stay a while. I think it was related to my hormone replacement medication, continual night shifts (little or no sunlight for months), and heavy work outs (which affect the hormonal balance). When I cut dairy, that helped the hormonal issue, as well as changing my replacement hormones - since I had that hysterectomy I don't make my own estrogen. Then I added vitamins and minerals that I believed I was deficient in - probably due to my somewhat limited "healthy" diet and running 20+ miles a week w/weight lifting. You've really got to be gentle with cysts, also. Don't over wash or over treat with medications. No touching them except to ice them. No picking, prodding, obsessing over them, etc. Avoid hot water, they'll just swell up more. Good going with the motrin - I do that when I am breaking out also!

I've discovered that dark chocolate in very small amounts is OK for me on occasional days. Finally, a way to have something sweet and chocolaty without suffering a breakout! YEA!! Milk chocolate = cysts.