349 replies to this topic

[Q_P]

Upping my carbs. Realized I've been eating <25g carbs per day, and considering the shift in my period this is probably not enough. Gonna bump it up to above 50g, closer to 100g of carbs per day for a week. More berries, sweet potato, possibly some white rice and potato, spaghetti squash, pumpkin, maybe some grass-fed yogurt, etc. should get me there.

[Q_P]

I've been getting SO MANY SCARRED PORES on top of my regular scars. They started so suddenly that I think it must be a result of the hyaluronic acid serum in some way. Stopping it for now and praying that the scarring stops; these deep, dark holes in my face are really fucking gross, more so than my regular scars. Also, skin is covered in small, red rashy bumps again; I think I need to find a better moisturiser than the emu oil.

I am not in a happy place right now.

[Q_P]

Woo, I was totally Mopes McMopeypants yesterday. Makes sense, because I finally got my period this morning. I think adding back a bunch of carbs triggered it. Freaky!

[Q_P]

Spent the weekend with the boyfriend; had fruity sangria and greasy greasy mexican food (fried pork rinds, steak, plantain) that didn't upset my stomach at all. That type of food would have totally killed me before the primal diet, but I felt fine afterward. Had two glasses of fruity sake last night, as well.

Been eating a lot more carbs than normal in the form of potatoes, sweet potatoes, berries, and occasional white rice. Boyfriend said my skin is looking good, so I don't think they're harming my skin. I also have been using the Aczone much less than I normally do, and skipped two days of Retin-A because I didn't feel like waiting the 20 mins after washing my face to apply it.

Got the results to my saliva test back; turns out I have high cortisol and am somewhat gluten intolerant. I'm constantly exposed to gluten at the bakery I work at, so that's a bit concerning, but I'm going to be looking for a new job soon anyway. Also got the results to my upper GI x-ray; my esophagus, stomach and small bowel are all normal. Huh. They certainly don't FEEL normal! But good to know there's no visible damage or Crohn's or anything. I had some more bloodwork done on Friday, and will get the results this week.

I ordered some Ashwagandha pills to try to balance my cortisol production, and L-Tyrosine for my thyroid. Also ordered a few samples of MyChelle moisturisers to try, because the emu oil isn't moisturising enough.

Edited by QuirkyPixy, 21 November 2010 - 04:51 PM.

[Q_P]

Beginning L-Tyrosine supplementation.

[Q_P]

Forehead has a bunch of small red pimples, and some on chin. Other than that, skin is pretty OK, save for a larger pimple on the right side of my chin.

Got some samples of MyChelle products to try. I've been using CeraVe instead of emu oil in the morning and like how it makes my skin look, but I'm not a fan of the parabens it contains. I'll be trying out the MyChelle Pumpkin Renew Cream tomorrow morning; hopefully it will be more moisturising than the emu oil was.

Also been eating small amounts of grass-fed yogurt. I think I'm fine with it as long as I only eat a little at a time.

Edited by QuirkyPixy, 24 November 2010 - 07:19 PM.

[Q_P]

Progress pics - 4 months Primal eating and Retin-A (no makeup, only zinc oxide sunscreen)

Up close:

http://img251.imageshack.us/img251/9099/leftsidee.jpg
http://img834.imageshack.us/img834/6436/lcheek.jpg
http://img811.imageshack.us/img811/3219/chin2.jpg
http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/3290/chin0.jpg
http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/1593/rightlr.jpg
http://img703.imageshack.us/img703/5666/rcheek.jpg

Full face:
http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/9338/fullface.jpg

Nasty-ass scarred pores I've been getting:
http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/4646/sc...dporestzone.jpg

These pictures don't look nearly as bad as what I see in the mirror. My zits and indented scarring are much less visible. Maybe it's the light, the angle, the camera, or a combination, or maybe I'm just a drama queen. I hope that this is what other people see when they see my skin, because I'm ok with most of this.

[Q_P]

In the course of a week, my skin has gone from good to shit. What a roller coaster ride!

Got a nodule on the right side of my chin, right next to the one from a few days ago, some pustules on/around my nose and on my forehead, and some inflamed pimples on my cheeks and chin, along with the weird nodule under my right eyebrow that's slowly receding.

This breakout is either due to a) yogurt, b) L-Tyrosine, c) stress, or d) stopping Aczone. So, I'm cutting the yogurt for good and L-tyrosine for a few days (getting thyroid tested again on Friday anyway and don't want to skew my results). I will only return to the Aczone as a last resort, since I don't think that really helped much.

[Q_P]

Boyfriend admitted he's been reading my log. After some consideration, I think I've exhausted the benefit of keeping a log here. So, this will be my last post. I've had a lot on my mind, so it's a doozy!

Over the past year or so, I've used this log and these forums as an outlet to vent my craziness about my skin. From my experience, people without acne or scarring can't comprehend how it can make us feel, so being able to reach out and connect with others who do understand is comforting. But spending time on this site is a double-edged sword, as the overall vibe around here is downright toxic sometimes.

This particular log is a disjointed mess of confusion, alienation, and angst, a public diary detailing a foolish obsession that cascaded into what might have been a borderline eating disorder, a tally of time wasted dwelling on something out of my control. In a way, it reflects my life as a whole with painful clarity. Even so, it only reveals a small part of the bigger picture.

Thankfully, I have never reached the point where I won't leave the house due to my skin, no matter how horrible it looks to me sometimes. In that regard, I am more confident than many people who post in these forums. It breaks my heart whenever I read about someone missing out on something they'd like to do because of their skin, because I understand how something that everyone with clear skin seems to think is purely superficial often runs much, much deeper.

I've come to realize that I've been obsessing on fixing my skin as a way to duck out of addressing more serious issues. I still think my acne and scarring is bad, but it shouldn't warrant the attention I've been giving it when my life is out of balance and needs some serious adjustment.

The boyfriend pointed out that I'm stuck in my "own little world of nutrition and skin care." Yup, got me there. Not sure how the obsession started, but I've somehow ended up so wrapped up in this world that I'm not sure how to begin to restore the balance I want. It's even more difficult because I still feel like my body is out of whack, even though I've gotten better at ignoring it and moving on with my life.

In the mess of the past year and a half of my life, I've become boring and detached. I've lost interest in things and people I once loved, and those who loved me seem to have lost interest in me. Sometimes, I feel like my entire personality has deflated. I'm not depressed (been there, done that, got the t-shirt), but I'm certainly not as happy as I'd like to be right now; I don't feel like myself. Not all of this has to do with my skin, but it certainly played a large part. So, where do I go from here?

First and foremost, to restore any sort of balance, I need to stop OBSESSING. I've gone through several obsessions with people, hobbies, and my skin, and all of them became too much of my identity. I see the pattern now, and know I can stop it. It just took a few metaphorical slaps in the face to wake me up.

Second, I need to accept that I'm not perfect, and that my self-worth and emotional well-being should never depend on the state of my skin. I am always a work in progress. Anyone who sees this fact and can't accept me for who I am currently is not worth my time or emotional investment. But I need to accept myself first, and stop beating myself up over things.

And despite how I may come across in this log, I do generally like myself. I have a good sense of humor, I'm intelligent, I have varied interests, and I'm not afraid to ask questions. I try my best to truly listen to and understand most people I talk with. And I'm a hell of a lot tougher than most people give me credit for.

Third, I need to reach out into life again. I need to figure out how to have a social life while living with my parents in a town I feel out of place in. I need to meet new people, help others, see new places, try new things, get a new job. I don't want to be a static character any longer.

Fourth, I need to restore my health, but not obsess on finding what's "wrong." I think that thyroid issues are behind everything and are exacerbating these depressive bouts, and freeing myself of them will make things a hell of a lot easier, but I'll leave most of that up to my doctor to figure out instead of playing Mystery Diagnosis.

And finally, I need to stop taking things so seriously and worrying so much. Wallowing in self-pity is entirely unproductive. If I see a problem I need to address, I'm going to grab it by the horns and hold on for dear life instead of running as far away as possible and hiding in my own little world. Only by tackling difficulties head-on can I continue to move forward; only then can I continue to grow. Ultimately, much of life is uncertain and confusing, so I should just do my best with the cards that I've been dealt and enjoy the journey. I've pulled myself out of similar ruts, and I'll get through this one, too.

My advice to anyone who has read this log at all, who is still struggling with their skin and feeling lost like I did, is this. Eat well (meat, veggies, some fruits, good fats), exercise, laugh, love and live. Keep things simple, and focus on your overall health and mental well-being instead of your acne; avoid the tunnel vision that obsessing on skin care can bring. Maybe slap some chemicals on your face if you think it helps, but don't worry if it doesn't.

Stop the thought process of "I have acne and scars" > "I'm ugly" > "No one wants to associate with me" at the "I have acne and scars" bit, as that's the only part that's objectively true. Some people may be superficial and judge you based on your skin, but think of it as your own personal filter that lets genuinely good people in and keeps the jerks out. And don't compare yourself to others; you have something unique to offer no matter your appearance, and you're good enough as is.

And now, I'm going to take my own advice and move on with my life. I'll probably still post on the forums every now and then, but this particular log is done. So, adios muchachos, and good luck.

Edited by QuirkyPixy, 06 December 2010 - 12:05 PM.

[lllhhk]

Great reflections!