27 replies to this topic

[Tether]

My wife and I are both 29 years old and have been together since we were 20. I love her very much but in the past year she has had a dramatic onset of Acne on her face, neck and back. She recently went back to school for a graduate degree and the endless hours of book work has made her way more likely to pick unconsciously at her back neck and face. She tends to have her hands up in her hair, face or back when she is concentrating on something and even does it in front of other people. She gets a majority of the breakouts on her neck, chin and sides of her face where she rests her hands and will sometimes get deep cysts on the side of her face and will also get bad breakouts on her back. She is very inconsistent about her skin hygiene and is way more obsessive about her face drying out then clearing up. She will "forget" to wash her face at night and I will constantly ask "did you wash you face?" I am tired of acting like her parental figure. I feel that she is causing additional issues because she will use an acne wash but then insist on using moisturizers on her face. That combined with touching her face all throughout the day leads to more and more acne. I get really upset whenever I see broken skin on her face or back because I know that she has been picking at things until they bleed.

It has put a HUGE stress on our relationship. I had bad Acne when I was a teenager and remember being terribly uncomfortable with how I looked and seeing her with these contious legions on her face makes me upset. I mostly try to be helpful and considerate by saying "hey, stop that!" whenever I see her starting to pick or she has her face down her shirt or is resting her face on her palm. She is a naturally argumentative and combative person who takes every attempt at my "making her aware" as an attack and then gets angry with me.

What should she do at this point? See an esthetician? Dermatologist? Psych? What the hell do I do to not feel like an asshole every time I try to help her be cognizant of her self destructive behavior?

[anon81]

Is the acne bothering her? If it is, I'd say gently suggest that she see a derm. Be sure to stress that this is to remedy what she perceives as a problem, and not because you're not attracted to her anymore, etc. If it doesn't seem to bother her much, I'd let a sleeping dog lie. And in general, I'd suggest stopping with the reminders -- I'm sure she knows it's bad to pick, and it's probably hard not to feel chastised when you're repeatedly pointing out what she's doing wrong. As for moisturizers, it actually is a good idea to keep your skin hydrated, even if you have oily or acne-prone skin. Dry skin can clake and clog pores, leading to breakouts, or so I'm told. Bottom line, I suppose, is try as hard as you can to be supportive, and to be sensitive to what might sound patronizing/critical even if it comes from a place of concern. Best of luck.

[A-Shizzle]

Like the poster said above, does it even bother her or just you?
Maybe your constant asking and *parenting* her is annoying her and humilating her all at the same time.
When my skin was really bad my husband didn't say anything but encouraging things. I have very obsessive hygeine but not everyone is that way. Maybe try to address her in a concerned manner and point her in our direction. Maybe we can try to help her and she won't feel the pressure she may be feeling from you.

[come back clear skin]

hi i really feel for you as you are obviously concerned about her, how does she actually feel about her skin? is she upset about it i'm sure you are trying to help her but maybe she feels unattractive and when you comment on it this will make her feel worse i know if my boyfriend ever mentioned my skin i'd be gutted i feel so awful as it is but to know he didn't like the way i looked would be horrible maybe you could sit down with her and explain you suffered with it too and if she wants to talk or see a derm you would support her as you can understand if it's scaring then seeing a derm asap is a good idea but make sure you don't push her into doing what you want her to do let it be her desision good luck

[VIRGOLOVE]

tell her to go on accutane!!! i have not been on it. i will start it march 3. but i have heard from all my friends and family that have been on it, that it is a miracle drug. it has worked for everyone i know. i wish i knew about accutane a lot earlier because i wasted a lot of money on things that did not work.

[chrisaus]

Dude washing your face is irrelevent. It's mainly about food and hormones. Bums on the street sleep on urine soaked mattresses and don't get acne. Encourage her to eat well with regular exercise.

[Marino]

My wife and I are both 29 years old and have been together since we were 20. I love her very much but in the past year she has had a dramatic onset of Acne on her face, neck and back. She recently went back to school for a graduate degree and the endless hours of book work has made her way more likely to pick unconsciously at her back neck and face. She tends to have her hands up in her hair, face or back when she is concentrating on something and even does it in front of other people. She gets a majority of the breakouts on her neck, chin and sides of her face where she rests her hands and will sometimes get deep cysts on the side of her face and will also get bad breakouts on her back. She is very inconsistent about her skin hygiene and is way more obsessive about her face drying out then clearing up. She will "forget" to wash her face at night and I will constantly ask "did you wash you face?" I am tired of acting like her parental figure. I feel that she is causing additional issues because she will use an acne wash but then insist on using moisturizers on her face. That combined with touching her face all throughout the day leads to more and more acne. I get really upset whenever I see broken skin on her face or back because I know that she has been picking at things until they bleed.

It has put a HUGE stress on our relationship. I had bad Acne when I was a teenager and remember being terribly uncomfortable with how I looked and seeing her with these contious legions on her face makes me upset. I mostly try to be helpful and considerate by saying "hey, stop that!" whenever I see her starting to pick or she has her face down her shirt or is resting her face on her palm. She is a naturally argumentative and combative person who takes every attempt at my "making her aware" as an attack and then gets angry with me.

What should she do at this point? See an esthetician? Dermatologist? Psych? What the hell do I do to not feel like an asshole every time I try to help her be cognizant of her self destructive behavior?

Act like a man, you pansy.

Naging her to wash her face will do absolutely nothing, people don't like doing anything unless they see the reasoning/point behind it. You need to sit her down, and talk about how you feel. Explain the problem and look at alternatives [DKR regime or a derm].
She seems to pre-occupied with her degree to worry about anything else, so explain to her that acne can lead to permanent scaring, that will be there after her degree.


If my partner wear to suddenly put on 50 pounds or begin breaking out,
i wouldn't evan hesitate to sit her down and discuss ways to adress the issue, naging is lame.
Marriage works both ways, if something is bothering you about her apperance, speak up.

[ImOily]

What should she do at this point? See an esthetician? Dermatologist? Psych?

Dermatologist of course. Psychologist is ridiculous man!

[kimcj86]

sounds like you are caring more about it than she is, since you even took the time to post about it heh...

[dsal]

First of all, the poster who said, "Act like a man, you pansy.

Naging her to wash her face will do absolutely nothing, people don't like doing anything unless they see the reasoning/point behind it. You need to sit her down, and talk about how you feel. Explain the problem and look at alternatives [DKR regime or a derm].
She seems to pre-occupied with her degree to worry about anything else, so explain to her that acne can lead to permanent scaring, that will be there after her degree."

had pretty good advice, except for the pansy part. That was mean. What a shame that his mean remark clouded otherwise good advice.

Of course, if you come to an acne forum, the posters want to jump to the side of the acne sufferer, because we have similar issues.

But since you asked for advice, here goes!

I'm an adult who has slight hormonal cystic acne. But I did have some of the moderate acne when I was younger. And as far as marriage goes, I can speak from experience here, as I've been married for almost 27 years.

First of all, it sounds like both you and your wife are under a lot of stress, so approach this issue delicately.

Tell her how much you love her and how much your relationship means to you. And how you like to do things to please her, and hope that she likes to do things to please you. Then let her know that it's important to you that she has good hygiene, because it lets you know that she cares enough about you to keep herself looking clean and nice for you. And that it's going to be important to the both of you to keep an eye on each other's health through the years. And that you've noticed that she has been having some blemish flare-ups, and that you want her to be healthy---and ask her if she'd like to see a dermatologist or spend money on some treatments that she'd like to try. Of course, remember--approach this delicately, gently, totally with love.

And then...this part takes even more bravery: Tell her that it's important that *she* mentions health issues of *yours* that she's concerned about. Ask her if there's anything about you that bothers her--healthwise or otherwise--that you can work on concurrently. (This will be hard to take, because she might blast you with something unexpected, so be prepared. Who knows, maybe she thinks you have bad breath or something, and figures that "He shouldn't mind my zits since I don't say anything about his breath." etc.) It will be important for you to take this as constructive criticism, and not turn it into a fight or finger-pointing. Remain calm, and agree that you'll work on it. Can I stress "stay calm" enough???

Not saying that this is the case, but sometimes people act passive-agressive, and try to get back at you by doing something they know might irritate you--even if they're doing it subconsciously. Remember, I'm not trying to say that your wife is doing that; but it is something to consider.

It's going to be very important to reassure your wife that you love her, that you think she's pretty and sexy, etc. And when she does wash her face nicely, comment on how clean her face smells when you kiss her. That will send a woman running to the sink with her bar of soap!! And occasionally remind her---politely, not sarcastically---that you're working on the problem you have that she pointed out to you. And ask her if she's noticing any improvement in you. (That will jog her memory and hopefully she'll think, "Wow, he's doing that for me....maybe I should really stick with this new face hygiene regimen" or whatever.)

And if you're embarrassed that she's fooling with her face in public, then politely, privately, let her know that as well. Acne or not, we need to love our spouses enough to try to continue to be a person that our spouse is proud to be with in public. And that goes both ways--you need to be a man she can be proud of, too. And ask her if there's anything you say or do that embarasses her, and if so, tell her you'll work on that as well. It can be a couple-project so-to-speak.j

Please keep us updated on how it goes!

Hope this helps,
D.S.

[gimnasta]

My wife and I are both 29 years old and have been together since we were 20. I love her very much but in the past year she has had a dramatic onset of Acne on her face, neck and back. She recently went back to school for a graduate degree and the endless hours of book work has made her way more likely to pick unconsciously at her back neck and face. She tends to have her hands up in her hair, face or back when she is concentrating on something and even does it in front of other people. She gets a majority of the breakouts on her neck, chin and sides of her face where she rests her hands and will sometimes get deep cysts on the side of her face and will also get bad breakouts on her back. She is very inconsistent about her skin hygiene and is way more obsessive about her face drying out then clearing up. She will "forget" to wash her face at night and I will constantly ask "did you wash you face?" I am tired of acting like her parental figure. I feel that she is causing additional issues because she will use an acne wash but then insist on using moisturizers on her face. That combined with touching her face all throughout the day leads to more and more acne. I get really upset whenever I see broken skin on her face or back because I know that she has been picking at things until they bleed.

It has put a HUGE stress on our relationship. I had bad Acne when I was a teenager and remember being terribly uncomfortable with how I looked and seeing her with these contious legions on her face makes me upset. I mostly try to be helpful and considerate by saying "hey, stop that!" whenever I see her starting to pick or she has her face down her shirt or is resting her face on her palm. She is a naturally argumentative and combative person who takes every attempt at my "making her aware" as an attack and then gets angry with me.

What should she do at this point? See an esthetician? Dermatologist? Psych? What the hell do I do to not feel like an asshole every time I try to help her be cognizant of her self destructive behavior?

ummmm dude, weak. Acne lesions are not contagoius. It sounds like her appearance is very important to you. Too important. Back off. My boyfriend has acne and forgets to wash his face...But thats ok, it is HIS face, not mine. He also gets bad bacne that is painful to him...But I know that it is more genetic than sanitary, he showers twice a day sometimes. A good guy friend of mine divorced his wife because she gained 8 pounds, no joke. If you don't see the superficiality in that action you may want to find a magazine and cuddle with it at night and take it out to dinner. That FHM magazine will never embarass you, talk back, gain weight or try better itself by going to grad school.

[spottiedottie]

1) You come across as pretty shallow and rude. Maybe it's just the writing not translating well over the internet, so here's the benefit of the doubt. But that is how it sounds. I would be positively humiliated and heartbroken if a partner ever wrote something like this about me! And I would also be "combative" if someone nagged at me all the time.

2) If she's picking at blemishes and worrying about moisturization, she is probably sensitive about her appearance, so rubbing it in isn't going to help. Maybe an approach like, "I've noticed you picking at your skin, and I'm worried about it. Are you okay? I love you and I want you to be healthy and happy. Would you want to see a doctor?" You're married so presumably the finances are joint, especially with her being a student, but since this is bothering you and you're bringing it up, you'd ought to be willing to pay at least half of any suggested treatments. (Only mentioning this because I've dated people who've expected me to do things I couldn't afford, like get a weekly brazilian wax costing $55+ tip when I was broke and in college, and then they were angry with me because I couldn't/wouldn't!)

3) Acne can be caused by many things. It may be natural hormonal changes that come with age. It might be grad school stress as you suggest - which isn't physically healthy, if it's having that kind of effect. Your wife might be pregnant and not aware of it yet. She may have some kind of internal disorder or disease that has flared up and come out in the skin. Any kind of sudden drastic change, whether it is onset of acne, or weight change, or pains, is worthy of an appointment with a GP for some bloodwork and a basic physical. If your wife is ok with it, I would suggest the GP first to rule out any underlying serious conditions, then maybe a dermatologist to treat cosmetic problems.

4) But maybe she's perfectly fine, just kind of stressed for a while, and more concerned with her education than her complexion. If so, good for her.

Take a look at this thread: http://www.acne.org/messageboard/index.php?showtopic=90833 It will help you get some perspective on how she might feel right now.

[Marino]

ummmm dude, weak. Acne lesions are not contagoius. It sounds like her appearance is very important to you. Too important. Back off. My boyfriend has acne and forgets to wash his face...But thats ok, it is HIS face, not mine. He also gets bad bacne that is painful to him...But I know that it is more genetic than sanitary, he showers twice a day sometimes. A good guy friend of mine divorced his wife because she gained 8 pounds, no joke. If you don't see the superficiality in that action you may want to find a magazine and cuddle with it at night and take it out to dinner. That FHM magazine will never embarass you, talk back, gain weight or try better itself by going to grad school.

gimme a break,
his wife is breaking out and he wants to help her out.

Apperance is important in a relationship,
marriage is not a ticket to let yourself go,
you make sacrfices for each other, and if that means seeing a derm and looking at some alternatives, then so be it, its not the end of the world.

1) You come across as pretty shallow and rude. Maybe it's just the writing not translating well over the internet, so here's the benefit of the doubt. But that is how it sounds. I would be positively humiliated and heartbroken if a partner ever wrote something like this about me! And I would also be "combative" if someone nagged at me all the time.

Um, hello, its an acne site,
how can we discuss acne without being superifical considering its a SUPERFICIAL FLOOR

[beentheredonethat]

I feel that she is causing additional issues because she will use an acne wash but then insist on using moisturizers on her face.

A good moisturizer will not contribute to breakouts and can help to counteract the irritation caused by acne products. Acne fash washes are basically useless though, the medication doesn't stay in contact with the skin long enough to effect anything. It's better to use a gentle wash like Purpose or Cetaphil and then a product that you leave on like a topical retinoid, or a topical antibiotic/BP combo like Duac that keeps the active ingredients in contact with the skin.

[BeeBo x3]

if your worried about the products she uses on her face why dont you buy her a gentle cleanser and a good non-comodegenic moisturizer and suggest she try it..

as for picking you can't do much but sit and talk with her about it. i would most deffinitly follow the other suggestions about what to say to her. i especially like the reply from dsal about letting her know you'd be open to change something about yourself that bothers her. again be very careful and kind. she could bounce back with something loud and exxagerated like "YOU ALWAYS SMELL LIKE A PIG" to which you could calmy reply: thanks for letting me know, i`ll try wearing a better deodorant.
i`m sure you understand.

let us know how things go & goodluck.

sorry about the mean posts. it is so disapointing someone would say that but i hope that doesnt turn you away from others good advice you could get on here.

[dsal]

she could bounce back with something loud and exxagerated like "YOU ALWAYS SMELL LIKE A PIG" to which you could calmy reply: thanks for letting me know, i`ll try wearing a better deodorant.
i`m sure you understand.

let us know how things go & goodluck.

sorry about the mean posts. it is so disapointing someone would say that but i hope that doesnt turn you away from others good advice you could get on here.

Good suggestion to him, to remain calm if she responds emotionally and angry. This will take great diplomacy, Tether---remember in the suggestion above, if you answer "I'll try wearing a better deodorant"---the key will be in the way you say it. If you start to get mean and sarcastic, you've just blown it. Not only will you have "lost it," but you'll have lost.

And, anyone who is tempted to respond rudely to Tether: Give him a break! He sounds very kind and loving to me. How many spouses would take the time to come to an acne board to try to learn the best way to handle a delicate situation?

D.S.

[Tether]

Thank you to all who have a real perspective on how they feel about my situation. I was comfortable posting in this board because I feel that all of you are confronting the issues of Acne head on and was just looking for how people would approach my concerns.

I have obviously struck a nerve here and I think that some are misunderstanding my perspective. I am not the heartless, shallow ass of a husband that some of you have made me out to be. I am not going to leave my wife because of this and we are beyond the point that vanity is a judgment so please everyone stop with the dramatics. We have been together nearly a decade and have a more significant relationship then a new boyfriend / girlfriend type of situation. I am sorry to those who feel my critique is an attack on people who are struggling with Adult acne and did not intend to create a stir.

I am mostly concerned for her long term appearance for HERSELF, not me. Like it or not people immediately judge you on first impressions. She is planning on working in executive management and my only concern for her is that her unconscious picking has already led to some scaring in certain areas of her face and I don't want it to become more significant to the point that it starts affecting her self-confidence professionally.

For those of you who assumed that this was a new one month issue, it is not. She has been getting more and more acne over the past couple years and the distribution of it seems to congregate in areas where she touches her face such as her chin, neck, and the sides of her face while she is spending hours reading books. She is able to diminish the breakouts with a disciplined face washing schedule so more of the issue is how to address the behavior of doing things that are self destructive such as the face touching, slacking on the face washing, and the most damaging.. picking at the infections.

Also, I want to rephrase the comment I made about psych. In my research I found an OCD disorder in which people unconsciously create facial infections due to an unconscious obsession with touching and picking at the face while concentrating on something. Several people have been cured by seeing a psychologist who teaches them approaches to self discipline against behavior. Seeing a psych does not make you crazy.

I am in no way perfect and dealt with Acne myself for a number of years. I had one good doctor who dramatically and angrily stressed to me the dangers in manipulating lesions on my face and said above all the best thing to do is stop touching it. That of course has made me way more aware of her behavior. My concern is the same as if I saw her starting to do other self-destructive things such as smoking, doing drugs, not getting enough sleep, anything you can think of.

Thank you again for the responses.

[beentheredonethat]

the distribution of it seems to congregate in areas where she touches her face such as her chin, neck, and the sides of her face

This is the classic distribution of female acne that is related to the hormonal swings of the menstrual cycle. It usually responds well to birth control pills, although it can take some trial and error to find the right pill for an individual.

Does she have any issues with menstruation? Specifically, is she regular or no? Does she have any "male pattern" hair growth that she has to take care of? Has there been any weight gain in the midsection rather than on the hips? Any indications of insulin resistance?

I have a good method to stop picking if she wants to. Wear a rubberband on the wrist and snap it everytime you find yourself picking and tell yourself "NO!" like you are a bad puppy, out loud if possible. It works really well and after a few weeks you won't need the band anymore and can just do the mental NO. Works well for all sorts of compulsive habits that have no physiological component (i.e. doesn't work for skoing because of nicotine addiction).

[bittermp]

you mentioned your wife is in school with endless hours...I say this is STRESS. sounds like she is under a huge amount of stress which in turn is making her depressed and causing her to have OCD tendencies. The constant picking of the face is a sign of OCD, it could be mild or extreme, most people with acne have suffered from picking at one time.


I'd ask her if she's willing to meditate, the deep breathing, maybe a bit of yoga, but really all she would have to do is quiet her mind and relax, maybe taking regular baths would be helpful.


I once experienced bad stress related acne, i took myself out of the stressful situation and the bad breakout went away.


how is her eating? does she eat so called bad foods when she's stressed? Does she drink enough water?


The nagging will not help,it'll only stress her out even more.

To me, she really does sound like she may be suffering from some form of depression.

[gimnasta]

if your worried about the products she uses on her face why dont you buy her a gentle cleanser and a good non-comodegenic moisturizer and suggest she try it..

as for picking you can't do much but sit and talk with her about it. i would most deffinitly follow the other suggestions about what to say to her. i especially like the reply from dsal about letting her know you'd be open to change something about yourself that bothers her. again be very careful and kind. she could bounce back with something loud and exxagerated like "YOU ALWAYS SMELL LIKE A PIG" to which you could calmy reply: thanks for letting me know, i`ll try wearing a better deodorant.
i`m sure you understand.

let us know how things go & goodluck.

sorry about the mean posts. it is so disapointing someone would say that but i hope that doesnt turn you away from others good advice you could get on here.

I hardly think I was rude. He was honest and said what he felt, so did I. This is not the "Let's all get along and be PC and not hurt anyones feelings board!". It is not the emo board, and it is def not a kids board. It is the ADULT acne board. For ADULTS who can handle critisism and different opinions whether they like them or not.

I don't care if you don't like me, but I hardly think I am out of line for expressing my point of view. That point of view is that you can't control people or make them do anything and it is self centered to try and change anyone.