24 replies to this topic

[Sapphire903]

Hi Everyone!

I am new here, so I apologize if there is already a posting on this subject. The first paragraph is my background, so skipp to the bottom for the topic.

Here's a little background on me:
I'm 26, female, and had mild acne in high school, and didn't think it had gotten that much worse, but a dermatologist classified me as moderate to sever around age 22. The stuff she prescribed worked for awhile, and then it stopped. I tried Proactiv and it worked for awhile, then it just burned my skin. I've been trying Proactiv Gentle and it doesn't burn like the regular one, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. I sincerely beieve that one of the reasons my hormones are all out of wack and I'm breaking out like crazy is because I worry about it so much, and how it has affected my social life. My emotions are totally screwy now, because the guy I was dating off and on for 5 years just got engaged to someone else, and I am totally convinced that we didn't work because of my skin (it may sound crazy and pathetic, but it's how I feel). For the most part I cover it up with make-up, but often the bumps can still be seen.

Anyway, I am wondering what other people do to have positive social lives. What advice do you all have in regards to dating, and getting people to see that I am actually a really good, fun person in spite of my appearance? Other than the bs off-and-on thing I had going on with the guy mentioned above, I haven't had a real relationship in like 8 years and it is destroying me. I seem to be able to attract people, but no one really sticks around. Yet all the guys I know tell me that I am a total catch. I'd also like to hear from the people who are in solid relationships - what's the secret?? )

I am really sorry to be sounding so pathetic, but everyone around me is getting married, and having babies, and it really hurts, you know?

[dabepe]

i'm a 28 year old female, and i have had cystic acne since i was about 20. i used to not go out and become very depressed because of my acne. i realized that when i focus on my acne, i get in a really bad mood and i don't talk to people because im so self conscious about my appearance. what i try to do is put on some make-up and tell myself that my acne is not the end of the world and i'm still an attractive person.

i realized that your personal state of mind really effects how other people see you. when im hiding in the corner because i don't want people to see me, people are going to notice that. but, if you go out and tell yourself that it's not a big deal and talk to people, i think you'll realize that they are not focused on your acne.

i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 years. i've cried to him about my acne and told him that i wasn't going out because of it. he is very understanding, but he seems to get angry when i get so upset. he says "wtf! you're beautiful, smart, and talented and you feel so bad about yourself because you have pimple! get over it!" and he's right!

i would say to do the best you can to cover your acne and then try to forget about it. i KNOW it's not the easiest thing to do, but if you can't let it run your life. if you're not focused on it, for the most part, other people won't be either.

[klvoe]

I understand all too well /

I also have found myself believing that my boyfriend and I have fought because of my acne (when in reality I'm usually just feeling low about myself and thus start a fight) and that he "loves me more" when I'm clear (or maybe because I'm just happy and enjoying life a bit more).

I'm sorry about the on/off guy - but trust me, you don't need him. I understand the pressures of "when are you getting married?" and everyone else around you doing it, but trust me, find what makes you happy and go for it.

[bittermp]

how often do you look at yourself in mirrors?


I find that every mirror shows a different story, some mirrors, My face looks really good and other mirrors, it looks horrible and much more noticable, so maybe to make yourself feel better, don't look in mirrors too often. (its hard, i know!) and try to get some nice lighting. A lot of times lighting can make acne appear worse than it actually is. I hate bathroom lights in bars, they are the worst!!!!



I have no relationship tips to give, since acne has been a big blocker for me in that department off and on for years.


But I have tips for self esteem. Just be yourself. Go with the flow. in the grand scheme of what could be wrong with you and/or what is wrong with the world today, zits are pretty minimal.

Love yourself and love will come your way

[VegasMike]

A lot of us can understand how you feel...I know I can. I'm 27 and I'm not married and not even seeing anyone right now. I have mild acne but it can put a burden on me sometimes and yes I think sometimes a pimple or two on my face can scare away the ladies, but you know it's all about finding that someone that can accept you for the way you are and that likes you for who you are regardless of your skin condition.

[bittermp]

A lot of us can understand how you feel...I know I can. I'm 27 and I'm not married and not even seeing anyone right now. I have mild acne but it can put a burden on me sometimes and yes I think sometimes a pimple or two on my face can scare away the ladies, but you know it's all about finding that someone that can accept you for the way you are and that likes you for who you are regardless of your skin condition.

i would say that girls have in way worse when it comes to acne and dating. I grew up lovin bryan adams, his acne scars didn't bother me in the least. There are way more hollywood male actors with acne scarring than women. I think guys want girls to have perfect skin just like what they see in the media, unaware that those pics are airbrushed to the extreme.


pimples or acne scars on a guy doesn't bug me as long as I'm still attracted to him as a person but also that I guess I like the structure of his face.

[timmytim]

i too have v low self esteem and depression - which i blame for me being single all my life so far (i'm 25). needless to say this is v demoralising and life hardly seems worth living at times.

anyway, i think it must be psychological reasons. i see plenty of men with worse skin than me, or just ugly, and they have gfs! i can't understand this at all. anyway, i think the secret is inner confidence. if you can manage to act out-going and show your personality to people then you have a far far better chance of meeting someone!

unfortunately i don't follow my own advice! i find it almost impossible to meet new people, i'm very withdrawn, i have social phobia now in fact. when i do meet people, if i'm not careful i open up to them too quickly or become clingy. insecure depressive men are not attractive!

so anyway. somehow you have to get confidence.

good luck,



tim

[MrHelper]

A lot of us can understand how you feel...I know I can. I'm 27 and I'm not married and not even seeing anyone right now. I have mild acne but it can put a burden on me sometimes and yes I think sometimes a pimple or two on my face can scare away the ladies, but you know it's all about finding that someone that can accept you for the way you are and that likes you for who you are regardless of your skin condition.

i would say that girls have in way worse when it comes to acne and dating. I grew up lovin bryan adams, his acne scars didn't bother me in the least. There are way more hollywood male actors with acne scarring than women. I think guys want girls to have perfect skin just like what they see in the media, unaware that those pics are airbrushed to the extreme.


pimples or acne scars on a guy doesn't bug me as long as I'm still attracted to him as a person but also that I guess I like the structure of his face.

I would have to disagree, most females with pimples etc still look very attractive. Most guys see past acne and see how pretty the females really are. Some guys see it as a turn-on in a way. Most females with the acne doesn't seem to think they're all that and better than everyone else where as a lot of hot stuck up Bfemales that think they're all that are very unattractive.

[Sapphire903]

Thanks for the responses, everyone! I really appreciate it. It's nice hearing from people who understand. For whatever reason, most of my friends are blessed with darn near perfect skin, so it's impossible to discuss these types of things with them.

I think I probably do make it worse for myself by basically acting like I don't want to be seen. I'm gonna try to be more confident and less self-conscious about it. I know it's easier said than done. I'll be lucky if I get through the week without stressing about it.

Good luck, everyone! Be blessed

[Neverending]

I just want to toss out a ditto to what others have said. So much of what we suffer from, especially those of us with mild acne, is in our own damned heads. I broke out with a few pimples on my cheek last weekend and I felt I looked horrible on Monday. My friend, however, didn't even notice, and he's one of those semi-shallow people that notices imperfections in people all the time. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "wow that's gross;" he never saw it. Those spots we get that we think are hideous are things most people either never notice or simply pass over if you've got "it" in other areas.

The key really is just being outgoing, fun, and confident in what you do. Find something you love doing that's social and do it.

Also, something to try for overall appearence is to drop a little money on other superficial things. Don't let your perspective of your face hold you back from looking good in other areas. Get a crazy attractive hairstyle, hit the gym and work on your body, shape your eyebrows, get some cool/nice clothes. Those types of things have certainly made a difference in my confidence level. I still have a lot to work on, but as I said, most and maybe even all of it is in my own head.

Good luck to everyone!

[Venus in Virgo Gal]

Hi Everyone!

I am new here, so I apologize if there is already a posting on this subject. The first paragraph is my background, so skipp to the bottom for the topic.

Here's a little background on me:
I'm 26, female, and had mild acne in high school, and didn't think it had gotten that much worse, but a dermatologist classified me as moderate to sever around age 22. The stuff she prescribed worked for awhile, and then it stopped. I tried Proactiv and it worked for awhile, then it just burned my skin. I've been trying Proactiv Gentle and it doesn't burn like the regular one, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. I sincerely beieve that one of the reasons my hormones are all out of wack and I'm breaking out like crazy is because I worry about it so much, and how it has affected my social life. My emotions are totally screwy now, because the guy I was dating off and on for 5 years just got engaged to someone else, and I am totally convinced that we didn't work because of my skin (it may sound crazy and pathetic, but it's how I feel). For the most part I cover it up with make-up, but often the bumps can still be seen.

Anyway, I am wondering what other people do to have positive social lives. What advice do you all have in regards to dating, and getting people to see that I am actually a really good, fun person in spite of my appearance? Other than the bs off-and-on thing I had going on with the guy mentioned above, I haven't had a real relationship in like 8 years and it is destroying me. I seem to be able to attract people, but no one really sticks around. Yet all the guys I know tell me that I am a total catch. I'd also like to hear from the people who are in solid relationships - what's the secret?? )

I am really sorry to be sounding so pathetic, but everyone around me is getting married, and having babies, and it really hurts, you know?

Don't feel bad. I'm also 26, single, never been married with no children. I'm weird... lol! There is nothing wrong with being single and never married, having no children. Yes, I have experienced people thinking there is something wrong with me just because I fit in all 3 categories, single/never married/no children. When I get asked questions like, "Are you married or do you have a boyfriend?" and I respond with a No, they will ask "Why?" I think asking "why?" is rude. My 60yo godmother who has no children, but calls me her child, thinks there is something very wrong me since I'm still very single and not anywhere near marriage. Poor woman, she wants some grandchildren to call her own. She has already come to the conclusion that I'm meant to be single. I don't agree with her, I'm just not in a rush for marriage, if it ever happens, it happens.

Well, I in fact have never been in 'true' love. I know for a fact I have felt like I loved someone, but he never gave me a true chance so I wasn't 'in' love. When it comes to dating, I always have been the one who had to iniate dates. I never really get approached for dating. When I do, they don't take me seriously. Believe me, I have put much effort into the dating department. Anyways, don't worry about the whole being married/children issue. I remember being a teenager and thinking..."By the time I'm 24 I'm definately going to be married....." Yeah right, I have learned my current situation is what is meant for my life, at least right now. Maybe marriage/children will be meant for me later. It seems like too many people try to plan out their lives and say things like "I'm going to be married by the age of 24 and have children by age 27." In reality, it seems like lots of people I know have had children way earlier than that, only because, it was unplanned. Also, so many marriages end in divorce. Around me I know many people who fit into the category of 'divorcee' and 'single mother' at the same time. These are people my age.

Don't worry about not feeling fit in. Take advantage of all the wonderful things and goals you are capable of doing while you are single. Enjoy your freedom. Actually, cherish it all you can right now. Be your individual self, and let your personality naturally show. Think of all the positive things that have happened for you, and all the positive things yet to come. Don't think about what other people think. With faith, the best things will happen for you when you least expect it.

[JBHK]

I just want to toss out a ditto

Loving your phraseology!!

[BonitoBot]

What's all this about being worried because you're not married at 26?! I'm 27 and I'm in a serious relationship, but there's no way I'm having babies and settling down for a long time yet; I can barely look after myself let alone a husband and kids!

I used to become a hermit whenever my skin was bad, I'd be getting ready to go out, but end up crying my eyes out because my concealer would just slide off as soon as I applied it. It hurt so much. Now, if I've got a cyst and it's not taking over my entire face, I'll just cover it up as best I can and get on with it. If anyone queries it, I just tell them it's a dragon's egg and that tends to either make them laugh or back away! It's something that's come with age actually, the older I get, the less I care.

My friends are unbelievably supportive; they've always been honest with me about my skin because I ask them to be, so if they tell me they can't see my spots, I believe them. Most of the time people just don't notice.

One thing I have learnt is to make eye contact with people when socialising, it draws their attention away from everything else and above all, it's attractive. I have to be careful though, because I do it so much people find me intimidating!

Also find that going out dressed as a pantomime cow helps too.

[cheryl 2]

Hi Everyone!

I am new here, so I apologize if there is already a posting on this subject. The first paragraph is my background, so skipp to the bottom for the topic.

Here's a little background on me:
I'm 26, female, and had mild acne in high school, and didn't think it had gotten that much worse, but a dermatologist classified me as moderate to sever around age 22. The stuff she prescribed worked for awhile, and then it stopped. I tried Proactiv and it worked for awhile, then it just burned my skin. I've been trying Proactiv Gentle and it doesn't burn like the regular one, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. I sincerely beieve that one of the reasons my hormones are all out of wack and I'm breaking out like crazy is because I worry about it so much, and how it has affected my social life. My emotions are totally screwy now, because the guy I was dating off and on for 5 years just got engaged to someone else, and I am totally convinced that we didn't work because of my skin (it may sound crazy and pathetic, but it's how I feel). For the most part I cover it up with make-up, but often the bumps can still be seen.

Anyway, I am wondering what other people do to have positive social lives. What advice do you all have in regards to dating, and getting people to see that I am actually a really good, fun person in spite of my appearance? Other than the bs off-and-on thing I had going on with the guy mentioned above, I haven't had a real relationship in like 8 years and it is destroying me. I seem to be able to attract people, but no one really sticks around. Yet all the guys I know tell me that I am a total catch. I'd also like to hear from the people who are in solid relationships - what's the secret?? )

I am really sorry to be sounding so pathetic, but everyone around me is getting married, and having babies, and it really hurts, you know?

[cheryl 2]

im 21 i had spots from the age of 15 but this time last year they got so bad they was not spots but big red lumps i was in so much pain i couldn't smile eat or sleep they would just weep all the time and it hurt 2 even wash my face with water. i had only been goin out with my boyfriend 4 a month. so i found it so hard 2 talk 2 him about it because i never spoke 2 any one about my skin because im so shy i would but so much make up on. when i told him i cryed an he told me not 2 be silly. he told me he dont see them when he looks at me he see's me 4 who i am. im still with him now. now i dont have any lumps or spots i went on tablets but now i have ugly scars i am waiting on laser now . i have not been out the house in a year i find it so hard 2 face people i just get upset. i hate bein stuck in . i just hope the laser works dont no what ill do if it dont work.

[timmytim]

what if you've always been single into your mid to late twenties? is this the right time to worry???


tim

[Becka]

I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. I'm 24. My self-confidence has been affected by acne ever since my teens, and I'm super-shy and socially awkward. However, when I started getting a crush on him before I even knew his name, it was too powerful to ignore. Finally I asked him out on some dates. He ended up being a really sweet guy. He told me that he had had plenty of crushes before on even girls who had severe acne. I think it is just easier for him than it must be for some guys, to realize that a pretty girl is a pretty girl whether she has acne or not. Acne is just a surface, transient thing. It doesn't affect the inherent shape of your face, your bone structure and whatnot. In any case, he also said that he was equally attracted to my personality and willingness to try new things. (We aren't planning to get married, but I don't think that has anything to do with me, rather with a problem he has with the idea of marriage itself. I don't care myself - my parents are divorced, so I know marriage is not a cake walk. I just want to be with him, I don't have to be married to do that. Besides I don't even want kids anyway.)
However, I still feel self conscious around him when I'm not wearing makeup, so I try to wear makeup as much as possible around him, and if I'm not, I alter the lighting or turn the worst side of my face away. It's silly though because I know he loves me and doesn't care. (I actually feel super lucky to be with him, because not only did I have zits when we met, I had the most awful haircut ever. He said he just figured I'd probably get a better haircut someday). I also get a little paranoid during sex, because by its nature, my makeup gets rubbed off. It doesn't seem to stop things from coming to their conclusion, though! Heh.
My advice to people who feel self-conscious about their acne in relation to dating is to sit down and take stock of the pluses as well as the minuses, of "you". Maybe you have acne, but maybe you also have a great sense of humour, are really kind or smart or a good listener...etc. Don't think that just because you have one flaw, everything else about you is down the toilet. If you do meet someone who is into YOU - the person you are, not the person you happen to look like - then that person is not likely to be too put off by your acne.
I think also that people who have acne or who have suffered from it in the past, as my BF has, may be more receptive to seeing your inner (and outer) beauty!
Be yourself, and people will respond to that.

Or not! Sad to say, but some people are just not going to meet "The One" in their lifetime, and that's just the way it is. However, you have no way of knowing if that's the case, so might as well enjoy what there is to enjoy of your life! Get to know yourself! Even if you spend the rest of your life single, maybe you can start to get to a place where you can be ok with that! And, paradoxically, just this attitude might lead to you finding a mate! Ater all, who wants to hang around with someone who is sad all the time because they're constantly preoccupied about whether or not they'll be alone for the rest of their life.
I hope my advice is helpful and not too harsh!


In the meantime, in the immortal words of Dan Savage: Having a hard time coping with loneliness while waiting to meet someone special? "Masturbate. Have fun with friends. Repeat".

Just one more thing: my boyfriend has a rare arthritic condition which affects young men, called ankylosing spondylitis, which means that he can't turn his head to either side and has joint pain and stiffness. It's not a very noticeable illness. Just eventually you notice that he can't turn his neck. He said that before he met me, he was single for 4 years and had totally given up on "love" for a long time. He said that all the girls he'd dated had just lost interest in him after they learned about his condition. He was totally hopeless about finding a girlfriend and had just accepted his lonely fate, yet the opposite of what he expected happened! So...maybe this is an illustration of what I said two paragraphs above.

[timmytim]

hi becka i enjoyed reading your post. i think a lot of people will have found it useful as well.

the problem i have is meeting anyone at all. i'm not so bothered about finding the 'one', just anyone will do to start with!

i dont have any friends, and i dont go to bars or clubs ever. i just hate them i'm afraid. maybe a bar in the daytime i would be ok with. i also dislike alcohol. given that in the uk binge drinking seems to be the only past time that young people have i've no idea how to meet anyone. using the internet has been unsucessful so far.

so, if you or anyone else has any advice on how to meet people i'd like to hear it! keeping in mind i'm not confident at all and neurotic about my appearance!


tim

[Becka]

Tim,

I don't really like going to bars either, unless there's some good music. I like dancing, not sitting around drunk talking about stupid things with other drunk people (or not being able to afford drinking so hanging around with drunk people while I'm sober. Awesome!).
One thing to do might be to do some volunteer work, if you have the time and if you find a non profit organization or charity that you feel would personally be a good use of your energy. Or maybe join a club. That's a good way to meet people, I think, especially if your interactions are focussed on getting a task accomplished (or in the case of a club, interacting based on shared interests), rather than straight social interaction for the sake of being sociable, if you're not good at being social.
Taking a class would be another thing.
I think doing volunteer work would be the best though. Because people will appreciate you for the contribution you're making, and that's half the battle right there, even if you don't open up to them right away. Maybe make sure to find an organization which has a lot of volunteers who are in your age bracket, so that you might have more in common. And don't get discouraged if the first one you try doesn't work out for you.

Anyway that's my advice...take it if you want...
I guess I have to take it too!

[Josie Rosey Posie]

hi becka i enjoyed reading your post. i think a lot of people will have found it useful as well.

the problem i have is meeting anyone at all. i'm not so bothered about finding the 'one', just anyone will do to start with!

i dont have any friends, and i dont go to bars or clubs ever. i just hate them i'm afraid. maybe a bar in the daytime i would be ok with. i also dislike alcohol. given that in the uk binge drinking seems to be the only past time that young people have i've no idea how to meet anyone. using the internet has been unsucessful so far.

so, if you or anyone else has any advice on how to meet people i'd like to hear it! keeping in mind i'm not confident at all and neurotic about my appearance!


tim

Tim,

Becka's got some great advice, but it could be easier said than done. Have you tried going to someone you can talk to? Social anxiety can be a true disorder and there are professional people out there who know how to help out. I am not sure if I am one of them, but my suggestion would be to go out and try something that you have never done before. Then do something else the next day. Simple things, big deal things, whatever, you never know what could really trigger something in you or where you could meet someone just like yourself. Anyway, I think exposing yourself to new and different things is essential, as you can learn about yourself and maybe find out something you never knew that jumpstarts a social Tim. Go to a diferent grocery store, even, or a park you have never been to, rent a new movie or go rock climbing. If you are a dynamic person who has done a lot of different things, you could have more in common with people and it would be easier to talk to them. If you already are a dynamic person, well then share it with other people. Go to a poetry reading or join a book club. Whatever you do, you need to put yourself first in order to do this, whcih means not giving a hoot what other people do or think. As for your appearance, it's really not that big of deal. Think about all the wierd people out there who get through life just fine! Your insecurities probably make people more uncomfotable than your looks do. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but it's well-intentioned honesty and I think that you can do a lot if you really want it and you put your mind to it.
Places besides bars to meet people:
Take a vacation! Resorts seem to have people who want to socialize.
Wine tastings, vineyards, etc. but you don't have to get drunk or even swallow it!
Play a tourist in your hometown and go to a museum. You could meet some interesting out-of-towner.
Charities is a good one, props Becka.
Bookstore or coffee shop.
A tatoo convention. I'm sure you wouldn't be the one they're staring at.
Ride the train. You don't have to get anywhere, just take the round trip and see if you meet someone.
Live music!
America. Most girls here think that accent is pretty hot.
Hope these are some good suggestions, let us know how you are doing.

Josie