itchy itchy itchy bumps!

hey!

so i'm on day 37 right now, and for the past week or so i've been EXTREMELY itchy in random spots on my body (mostly joints but down my tibia and forearm too) and i was *investigating* why and saw that there are giant LUMPS in all my itchy spots!

they are about the same size and firmness as a mosquito bite but they're skin colored and super frikin itchy to the point where i've drawn blood from scratching them!

there's 2 huuuge ones (about the length of my thumb and i've got pretty nasty long fingers! lol) to the right of my right AND left kneecap, some random lumps down my tibia, 1 above each ankle (as tall as like 3 quarters stacked together and 2 inches long) and small ones next to my elbows that are a looot harder than the rest of them.
the ones on my leg...if you look from the side there's clearly elevated skin (nastynastynasty)

there's none on my wrist but i got a gross rash there a while back that's still healing up.

WHAT ARE THESE?
i'm scared!
and super itchy!
should i go see my derma or will these go away on their own??
THANK YOU!

-bella

friend's reaction to you taking accutane?

so i let it slip that i was taking accutane to all my friends so if i ever became suicidal or depressed that they could tell someone and maybe save me (hahaha)

and for the most part they were all supportive and congratulatory and genuinely happy for me!
HOWEVER
this one girl was totally against it, and i don't even know if we're friends anymore because she refuses to talk to me now!

here's what went down:
i told her about it, and she suddenly gets soooo pissed off and starts blaming me for all the people whose insurance doesn't cover accutane. she said i was stupid to take something like that for fun (???) and that i'm being selfish and taking other people's chances at happiness away, throws in some colorful language, and stomps off saying something like she hopes in a couple months i will finally have the face i always wanted and that i'll always be insecure.

is this a normal friend reaction?
i saw her later and i told her she had no freaking idea what she was talking about, and now she's just super pissed off and idk how to talk to her about it. not that i really want to, haha. but i just see her so much during the day and she's in most of my classes so it would be kinda weird if we just avoided each other like that.

what should i do???
she's not even the keep-it-to-herself type, she went around telling people that i was just a selfish b*tch without even explaining why...so i have nooo idea what to do!

bella's sweet sixteen accutane adventure! =)

hey everybody!

my name's bella and i'm 16 years old, 5'8.5", and 120 pounds!
i've had normal acne from 11-14 years old but for the past two years my acne's gotten really angry and it has been sprouting everywhere! like even on my cheeks....where i've never gotten acne before. and it's not normal anymore...it's nasty and cystic and lumpy and painful!
i've tried proactiv, clean and clear, murad, and philosophy anti-acne products but those just don't work on me!
chicago weather is too pms-y and unconstant (it was 65 degrees 2 weeks ago...now there's a few inches of snow!) so i'll have like a huge zit and then it'll get cold and my skin will get so dry but yet i'll continue to break out?? and then the zit will crack in half or something and turn brown and sickk. and i live in the city so there's a lot of pollution and garbage and crap floating in the air...eww. i had to get my bangs cut kind of poofy because over break i had a huge dermatitis-like thing where a gazillion zits grew on top of each other all over my forehead and hurt so bad whenever i sneezed one would like pop...gross right??

i'm on the school swim team and since i swam the beginning of the year my acne wasn't AS bad, but now that swimming is over it's been totally erupting and gross and killing my self confidence. as if it wasn't already bad before, haha. i'm the type of girl who HAS to wear some sort of concealer or powder foundation over my scars and powdered sulfur on top of my pimples to cover them (no caking it on! unless i'm doing a photoshoot or something. models have to be pretty but no modeling this year, too many zits aghhh!) so in the mornings i have to get up pretty early so my face doesn't look so angry and red and lumpy! and so i don't scare away the kiddies at school lol.

good thing my aunt owns a sephora store bareminerals makeup = the BEST! and she teaches me how to put it on the "right" way so i don't look like a cake face lol. but by the end of the day it usually wears off so i get really self conscious around the kids in my last few classes because when they look at me i always think they're staring at all my little brown spots and pimples and zits and my blackhead-infested nose (well not really infested. i just think it is and maybe i think i have more acne than i really do but i don't know how to change that! it's like a psychological thing right?)

but acne really has ruined my life...high school is supposed to be fun! but i can't really be myself if i look like a pizza face...hopefully this journey will bolster my confidence too
i've heard that people are usually mostly clear in a month or two...just in time for prom!
there's this guy that i really really really like (let's just call him Cute Boy so i can refer to him in later posts lol) but i've kind of been scared to talk to him a lot...sometimes i can't look him in the eye because then i just get so self conscious and think he's staring at my acne and then i get really nervous and screw up the conversation because of my newfound acne-awkwardness
BUT we're sort of good friends now and maybe if my skin clears up i can change that! haha. frickin acne! i was going to ask him to our school's sadie hawkins-type dance that was on saturday, valentine's day but i was sooo worried that i'd look weird and gross-faced and he'd be disgusted and compared to all the other girls at my school (note: chicago city semi-private school = rich kids who have coach prada chanel gucci purses and really nice cars and perfect perfect skin and hair and bodies) i'd be the ugliest so i didn't ask him i mean, i can handle it but sometimes i'm just not that strong...and i really want this to work out!

so anyways my blood test is at 5:30 AM tomorrow! it had to be scheduled really early because my parents don't approve of me missing out on school...ehh. junior year = waste of time! too many AP classes and not enough time for parties that means i'll have to get up at like...4:30 which is nasty, even worse than when i had morning practices at 5:00 for swimming haha. it'll be a pain doing makeup when i'm half asleep...

i'm really nervous to go...they said i have to fast for 12 hours and i hate fasting....
me + food = <3
seriously. i'll be doing my homework and suddenly a costco size bag of cheerios will appear on my desk and it'll be gone within a few hours!
i've been trying to cut back on potential acne-causing foods (milk, chocolate, spring rolls, pizza, tacos, ice cream...all the stuff that gives my mom acne basically) but it's sooo hard.
especially chocolate.
and milk.
and how they have freaking towers of chocolate milk in the school lunch line! two of my worst enemies combined into one! and soooo good! just like fried snickers. ohmigod. those are amazing! anyways.

so knowing that, i'll probably pass out because i'll be sooo hungry! and because the whole needles part. i mean, it isn't really scary until they baby you and are like..."honey do you need your parent to be here? are you all right?" because then that just makes me scared even if i wasn't scared before!
any tips to get through blood testing easily? haha.

i'll be taking my first pill this thursday! the dosage depends on my blood test but my derma said i'd be taking it for sure (she took it when it first came out and she is like 60 and her skin is sooo smooth and beautiful kind of like a little doll and she pities me so much haha)

so my current routine is as follows (yes everything is from a sephora store! <3 well except proactiv. that crap is killer. i just like their sulfur mask haha)
AM:
philosophy purity facial wash
philosophy when hope is not enough serum
clinique moisture surge gel
philosophy hope in a jar
philosophy the present (makeup primer)
bare escentuals concealer/foundation/veil
spray whole face with evian mist to set makeup

AFTER SCHOOL:
cold cream face wash
clinique moisture surge gel (as a mask until shower)
proactiv refining mask (as spot treatment mask until shower)

PM:
philosophy purity facial wash
estee lauder advance night repair serum
l'occitane immortelle precious creme
philosophy high density eye/lip cream

OTHER:
rosebud salve for lips and elbows

pretty hardcore list right? it's gonna change a little if i start getting really dry...i've heard aquaphor is a blessing

so yeah! that's me! if anyone has any tips i will love you forever!

xoxo bella
wow i really didn't realize this was so long. haha.