While many of my fellow peers were probably shopping or going to the beach or hanging out with friends, I took a ride to the cemetery in my area. I've always driven past it and had always wanted to stop in but never did. Well today was the perfect opportunity. I brought a snack, my bible, my notebook, my pen and i just sat there. I spoke to a woman who we will call C who is like my 2nd mama. We spoke about God and his grace and how we are being tested not because he hates us or is mad at us, but because he loves us and wants to make us into more mature Christians. I 100% honestly believe that....no doubt in my mind. I have to admit though that my faith is not as strong as it could be. I lay my burdens down and I pick them right back up. Well today, I had an epiphany. Well 2 actually. The first:
Good doesn't always give us what we want but he gives us what we need. This is so true. I want clear skin and I want to feel 100% healthy but God is telling me that I need to mature a little first and dig deeper into him. I declare that the healing has already begun and when God sees fit to do it, all these things will go away. A few months ago, I went to my friends church and their visiting pastor said that she was getting a message from God. She walked up to me, took my hands and stated that she knew my body was in disrepair and that my healing had already begun. How did she know to pinpoint my exact issue and to choose me from a room full of people, all with different issues. I was in tears! I believe in signs and wonders and this was God sending me a message that he has heard my cry and that he was in the process of answering it. I admit i have gotten discouraged as the months have gone by but God will heal all things in his own time not mine. My job is to just declare it, praise and thank him, be a blessing to others have faith
The second epiphany was:
A life of regret is wasted. Walking through that cemetery, seeing those gravestones and coming upon a few of young people and children, i thought to myself, is this really what i want to do with MY life. Be alive but act dead....because of acne and my body?!? Did i want to look back at the end of my life and think about all the things i missed? That's a sad thought. I may be physically uncomfortable with my conditions but that does not mean that I deserve to be a hermit, that I am less than. Who gave me the right to punish myself for something that is beyond my control (that's for you holistic forum)? I wont proclaim that I am going to be the life of the party now but honestly, I don't think my acne and feelings of low self esteem and self image warrants a prison sentence. If other people are uncomfortable with it then that's their problem.
I know that it is within God's power to heal and he is healing me. Right now I am more spiritually ready for battle than ever before. And while perfect health and clear skin would be nice, I can't be happy if I keep anchoring my self worth in these things.
Moving forward, i'm going to let my derm and dr's do what they need to do and I am going to leave the rest up to God.