When I woke up this morning, I took one look at my face and decided I couldn't go to class. Luckily, there was a guest speaker so I probably didn't miss much. The guest speaker was for my abnormal psychology class and she was one of the counselors at my school. I've always thought about going to see if it would help but I'm too scared. At this point, I could probably be psychoanalyzed with at least three disorders. Anyway, midterms are this week and I studied with a friend for about three hours and got dinner. It's the first time in awhile that I've had any social interaction with anyone besides my family or my boyfriend. I was extremely self conscious about going to the study session, but I actually forgot about my acne for a little while. He made me laugh. Anyways, I am extremely depressed again because after looking on Facebook, I realize I am probably the only one in my social network that has an acne problem. All the girls I know have perfect skin. When I used to know them, I did too. I can only imagine what they would think now. I can't wait for this all to be over. I hate getting out of the shower and walking through the hallways for all to see and judge. I see girls taking off their makeup in the bathroom mirror and all I can think is: why can't I do that? I see girls wearing absolutely no makeup and they look gorgeous. I wish I could do that. They get out of the showers and go into their friend's rooms without a second thought. I can't do that. I'd have to re-do my makeup before going out and seeing anyone. It's such a hassle. Plus, I can't even shower when I want to. I have to wait until late at night so no one will see me when I come out. It hurts the most when my roommate is here because I know she must feel bad for me. She has perfect skin as well and I can't help but feel as if she's grossed out by me. I absolutely loathe myself. Why can't I be normal with normal hormones? I feel like I've given up all hope and I don't know what to do. I don't want to live with this. I want to know when it will all stop and go away. Every time I feel like it's getting better, I have a relapse. I keep telling myself...another month, just wait another month. When a month passes by, another month. It's just an endless cycle of emotional pain every time I look in the mirror. It's so confusing when I see my reflection because I never view myself in terms of having acne. It's like a shock every time. It's been a year of this never-ending torment and I'm not used to it. How can a person go from absolutely no recollection of every having a zit in their life to a full out breakout? It just doesn't seem fair. I don't know what to do I can't keep waiting around hoping for something to work, meanwhile it's killing me on the inside. I just want to be normal again. I had enough issues on my hands before all this that I need to focus on but I can't because my acne is all consuming. It's all I ever think about. It's an obsession on two separate poles. Some days I check the mirror 100x a day, others I avoid it like the plague. It's all like a dream, a nightmare I can't wake up from. Like I'm stuck in a Groundhog day like time warp where I keep waking up with a face full of acne. One day I just wanna wake up and see clear skin. But that's just what it is, a dream. It will never happen. No matter what I do, I'm not good enough. I must not be trying hard enough. I just feel like a complete failure. Everyone else seems to have control of their acne. When a pimple pops up, they know how to take care of it, and it's gone within the week. Not me. I used to never have to try to get a guy's attention. I'm lucky if I even get a second look now. It hurts :'( i want my skin back. I want my life back!
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