So homecoming is this Friday at my school. Needless to say, I will not be attending. I used to love putting on makeup, doing my hair, and putting on a nice dress. I wanted to be a cosmetologist for the longest time. I'm pretty good with doing other girl's makeup and hair. It's like an art form--painting someone's face. I like the feeling of making one someone feel beautiful. Makeup isn't what makes a girl beautiful of course, but it enhances her true beauty. Unfortunately, when I put on makeup, I don't view it that way. It's one thing to apply foundation to a girl with flawless skin. It's completely different when I apply it on my acne infested face. I have to cake on the makeup in attempt to hide. When I wear makeup, it is not to enhance any beauty of mine. The sole purpose is to cover up and hide and even I can't completely hide everything. I'm pretty sure everyone on campus knows I have an acne problem.
Anyways, I'm depressed that I can't attend any of the events I want to because of my acne. I know it is technically my choice to not attend but there's no point since I'll just be miserable anyway. I'll feel self-conscious the whole time: worried that everyone is staring at my acne. I know I am probably exaggerating and no one usually notices or stares that hard, but that's no comfort. I want to feel pretty when I make an effort to go out, and I just don't have that luxury.
In fact, I even postponed my engagement to my boyfriend because of my acne. There's NO WAY I am taking wedding pictures with my face how it is now and I don't want to be photoshopped either. If the acne doesn't go away, I simply won't get married, plain and simple. That may sound stubborn and honestly stupid, but I can't help it. I'm diseased. Not only do I look diseased on the outside, but it's messing with my head, so I'm diseased on the inside now too. It's a shame really, because people used to say how pretty I was. I don't get that at all anymore. If I do, it's from people who are biased (i.e. family and my boyfriend). Friends are non-existent because of my social anxiety due to my acne. It's so bad that if a bus or train is too crowded, I'll wait another hour to get on another one because I don't want people getting too close and seeing my flaws. I know I probably need professional help, but I simply can't afford it. Besides, if the acne went away, I know that eventually I would go back to normal. It might take awhile, but it would happen.
I don't think the acne is going away anytime soon. Sure, I've only been on the new birth control for about two weeks, but I just give up. It isn't gonna happen for me. I'll be one of those 40 year olds with acne until that is replaced by wrinkles.
I've thought about accutane but I'm pretty sure my acne isn't classified as "severe" enough. Plus, I already have so many mental problems going on in my head, that a drug like accutane would probably drive me insane with depression. I can't afford for that to happen.
Well sorry for the rant, and if anyone actually took the time to read through this, well bless your heart.