Well, for now....
I've been reading, reading, reading and decided that I just cannot afford any of the horrible side effects that some people experience with accutane.
The pressure in my head worried me. Also, yesterday I had a crazy crying spell. I felt better after crying but I cried my eyes out over how unfair life is, how unfair acne is, how unfair AIDS is and how there are children growing up without mothers - I cried for the entire human race and how we're all fucked.
I have a history of depression so crying and feeling sad isn't unusual per se, but I've read that depression can be caused or exacerbated by inflammation. Maybe my brain was starting to swell up?
I don't know what the fuck accutane was doing to me. All I know is I have a young daughter - I have to be here for her mentally and physically and emotionally - how horrible would it be if I caused long term damage just because of my acne? HOw horrible if I became despondent because of my acne treatment. How horrible if I got a horrible IB and then couldn't finish the treatment because my brain explodes. My plan was to just blast out all of the sebum under my skin but what if I need a full 6 months to get to that point? And what if in those 6 months I cause irreparable damage?
There are too many what ifs with accutane. ANd of course. when you start reading about all of the bad things that can happen, you hear horrible stories. Funny how all last month I kept reading about the awesome stories of people completely cured.
So what to do now? Well the herbal tincture was working for my skin and my emotional health so I'm going to continue that and see it through. I also slacked off on the chromium so I'll stick to that for 400 mg a day.
And I'm also going to go back on Dan's Regimen. I"ve half assed used it before, and always felt it helped but it didn't do anything for the noninflamed acne that has always been my problem. Also, doing the regimen on my back seemed like such a pain in the ass.
But my back is clear now. And after experimenting for months with saw palmetto, my noninflamed acne is pretty much gone.
I've also been devoted to using retin a micro for over a year. Now I love retin a combined with obagi clear - it's fantastic for PIH. But, retin a does not do a thing to prevent my hormonal breakouts. And the breakouts get so irritated and scabby with retin a. I bought into the idea that retin a is a miracle for your skin, but when I really think about it, it's only good to use on my skin when I am not broken out.
ANyway, this is getting so long because I don't know how to keep things short, but I figure there's no reason to not try BP again. And I feel such relief.
A big motivator behind the accutane was to get clear in time for a trip in March, but it's too risky at this point. I also want to move in with my boyfriend later this year. I wanted to be perfectly clear and act as though acne has never been a problem for me. But guess what - he already knows I have acne. He loves me anyway. He may have perfect skin but he's starting to bald and he has a hairy back and I still love him. In fact, I may love him more for his "faults".
All that said, I may change my mind in a week. In fact, I'm considering doing the 20 mg a week instead just to get rid of some pockets of sebum that are deep in my skin. I don't mind being a guinea pig for that.
So yay, I feel more at ease! I can have a glass of wine with my boyfriend tomorrow and not worry that my liver is going to die!