I have had 3 face picking sessions since I last wrote yestersay morning. Absolutely ridiculous. Where did my motivation go that I had yesterday. When I got home from work, I picked. Then I covered my face in Cerave lotion Beause it was so dry and hurt, and a few hours later, I picked before I went to bed. I slept in my lotion hoping it would help things heal overnight, and then I woke up this morning and picked again. I HAD to get rid of all those "active" pimples, which actually are under the skin and require squeezing to the extent that skin comes off the top. I knew if I didn't pop them, I would be thinking about them all day at work today, and looking at them in the tiny mirror on my phone.
I did call my boyfriend last night crying. I told him how awful my face looks, and that I'm Embarassed to go with him to thanksgiving and for his perfectly flawless family to see my face. He was a little angry, because he's sick of talking about this. He reminded me that I do this to myself, and that if I didn't totally destroy my face it wouldn't look that bad and any blemishes could easily be covered with makeup. He said that tomorrow at thanksgiving I'm not going to walk in and ask everyone "hey what do you think of my face?" I'm going to walk in with a smile and pretend it doesn't bother me, and that people have to do that every day of their lives. He said my total obsession over my face is really taking a toll on our relationship. I think this truly made me feel worse. I imagined our relationship ending over my face, and how much shame I would feel.
The only time I don't pick is when I have nothing to pick. And often, if I give it 2 weeks or so to heal after it looking like it does now, it will actually be clear enough that I feel confident and don't have the urge to pick. I wish I could fast forward to that, but I can't. And I just don't know what to do with this now. I wish the pimples would stop forming right now, so I could just let all the scabs heal. Beause I COULD do that. But I just can't handle active ones, and if they're there, they will be popped/picked.
I'm just going to keep praying that God can give me the strength to get through this.