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About this blog

The public journal of a girl struggling with acne.

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I'm Gon' Die!

Not really, but I felt like it last night (more details later).

1 Month Survived!

I'm about 2 days from my 1 month anniversary of starting Accutane, and it's a good time to summarize my progress up to now.

Overall, my experience with the pill has been amazing. None of its side effects are anything more than a nuisance, and if they don't get any worse on higher dosage next month, I can probably live with this.

Week 1:

I expected to experience nothing, and, sure enough, I did. However, about 3 or 4 days into treatment, my lips began to feel dry, and by the end of the week, oil production throughout my entire face was noticeably small compared to how it has been my entire life.

Week 2:

I became inflicted with the itchy scalp syndrome along with what I thought was hair loss from BCP. I was not happy about this. Luckily, this symptom disappeared by the start of week 3.

Week 3:

Half way through week 3, I BELIEVE my IB period began. I'm not really sure. Because I'm on Accutane, I stopped freaking out about breakouts so much just because I know it will get better. I'm more focused on studying for the Graduate Requirement Exam (GRE) and enjoying life right now.

Week 4:

IB period continues and has yet to subside. Again, I don't care much. I noticed that my pimples (though still cystic and painful), generally surface and disappear faster than they used to. I used to get pimples that would literally infest my face for months. Some would go dormant and then erupt again at the same place like some strange volcano. This doesn't happen anymore. Also, because my face is dry as opposed to oily, the pimples seem... flatter... and not as angry.

My face probably has MORE hyperpigmentation now than before I started the pill, but I'm looking forward to the progress I'll (hopefully) be making in the months to come. By the way, I've already gone though .35FL Oz of Aquaphor Lip Balm. I can't live an hour without that thing, literally. It's my life support, my oxygen supply. My everythingg...

Back to my story...

So yea... last night I thought I was going to die. Why?

I was outside the house at night for less than an hour, and, within that time period, I was bit by a mosquito 5 times. 5 freaking times. How dare you, mosquito. HOW DARE YOU. I've always been attractive to those blood sucking demons, and I've always been VERY sensitive to their bites. There would be times where I get a bite that would grow to the size of a baseball, turn some ugly greenish/purple color, and last for weeks, scarring me for half a year to come. Since Accutane messes with my normal healing process, I'm really afraid of what's going to happen to me the next couple weeks/months.

To make matters worse, I came home to a mosquito hiding in my bathroom and somehow received 4 more bites while brushing my teeth. I HAVE A TOTAL OF 9 MOSQUITO BITES spread throughout my body right now. I'm GON' DIE!

In a desperate attempt to prevent a horrific nightmare from happening, I've been religiously applying the Tea Tree Oil I initially bought for acne half a year ago all over the bites. Maybe they'll go away quickly this time. Let us (me) hope. T___T

To the mosquitoes who decided to feed off me: I hope you enjoyed my Accutane poisoned blood, you suckers. I hope that Vitamin A overdose gives you beautiful, deformed bug children. You and your families can go die a slow, painful death! Good day.

I'm officially one week into Myorisan (Accutane)!

And... I'm SO VERY DRY. I've been dry since about day 3, actually. My lips, my nose, and the general area near those two are flaking out. I'm not sure if becoming dry so quickly is a good sign that I react well to Accutane or a fair warning of serious consequences ahead. I'll continue and see. I honestly am not bothered by the current dryness -- it's a nuisance at most.

What I am bothered by is ... Scarring...

While staring at my flaky, crusty pimples, I noticed a few scars I did not see before starting Accutane. I DO NOT BLAME ACCUTANE, I BLAME BIRTH CONTROL FOR GIVING ME A HORRIBLE ACNE FLAREOUT which may have left the scars.

I've kept a pretty close eye on the status of my face...

I recall seeing many mild, boxcar-like scars and severe hyperpigmentation. However, during my last obsessive check, I noticed a couple of icepick scars forming in areas were recent pimples are starting to fade.

This made me pretty sad, bro. I started obsessively looking up ways to GET RID of indented scars, but then realized it's best to worry about that later -- 6 months after I'm done with treatment.

What I can do now is Focus on Scar Prevention!

Too bad I don't know how to do that ;p I know there are a lot of topicals I could use to reduce my scarring and help the new scars heal with minimal permanent damage, but I don't know what I can and cannot use while on Accutane. All I know is I can't use ANYTHING Vitamin A based. I probably shouldn't be exfoliating either. Nothing super abrasive like dermabrasion.... oh well.

I'm glad to say that I haven't been feeling as depressed as I was months ago about my acne, although it's probably worse now than it was then. This may be due to birth controls regulating my hormones, or just the fact of me believing there IS HOPE for me at the end of this road. I've just got to keep fighting, keep trying.

Anyway... during my first pimply week of Accutane, I WENT TO LAS VEGASSS!!! WoooWOOwooWOooo!!! Yes, I was able to formally celebrate turning 21 (Aug 11th) with an all expenses paid trip to LV. Oh god, I was living the luxurious life. I stayed at the Palazzo hotel, ate meals that were $20+ per person (had a $200 sushi platter one night), and looked super smokin' hot in my clubbing dress. I had so much fun exploring and experiencing that my obsession with acne was at an all time low. I also enjoyed getting carded just about everywhere I went because I look 10.

A picture is attached.


Alright, ladies and gentleman!

I finally, FINALLY, picked up my box of Isotretinoin 40mg (Myorisan) pills!

I have not taken the pill yet, but I will very very soon.

I've already bought the Cetaphil, the Clerave, the Aquaphor, the foundation, the sunscreen, everything. I am so ready to jump on this journey.

I probably won't tell you how the first day goes because, well, everyone already knows how it's going to go down.

In fact, I'll write it for you now!

---------------- DAY #1 ---------------

So, I took my first Accutane pill today!

Yup.... that's about it. No change. Zip, nada.

But, let us mark today, August 18th, 2014, as the day Teresa starts her Accutane Journey.

Let the fun begin. :)

My 21st birthday is in 4 days.

For a college student, this is supposed to be the most exciting birthday of my school career.

It's the day I'm supposed to invite everyone I know over and celebrate passage into "adulthood".

Instead of being excited, I'm terrified.

Half a year ago, I would have planned for this to be the perfect day. If my skin weren't in this condition, I would be preparing a trip to the beach or filling up gas so I can drive all around Sacramento trying all the foodz I've yet to try. I would dress to impress, I would strut with confidence, I would surround myself with friends and family, and I'd be happy.

I am not happy, and I won't be. I haven't been happy in a very long time. In the course of half a year, my acne went from mild/moderate to moderately severe. I thought it was some horrible breakout at first caused by my incompatibility with a new product I was trying (Tea Tree Oil), but it's become clear to me now that this is a new trend. Something changed inside of me, and I have to accept that severe acne is a part of my new identity (FOR NOW). 1-3 new cysts/nodules a day, averaging out to 10 a week is the new norm....

At this moment, I'm determined to spend the entire weekend hiding in my room. I am so ashamed of my face I don't want anyone to see me -- not even the people I cherish the most. Although I know they won't say anything, I'm afraid they'll all be thinking, "Wow, her acne got really bad since I last saw her." As though I've been in some unfortunate, irreversibly damaging accident. Considering the amount of scars I've developed, I might as well have been in one....

This is killing me, because I'm under the impression the decision is mine whether or not I make my 21st amazing. I should be strong enough to look past my physical handicap and make the most of what I still have... why am I so weak? If only for just a day, I desperately wish to forget about my acne, not care about it, not think about it. why... why... WHY am I unable to do so at this time?

I've already let it ruin a good half of what should have been a fun summer. This needs to stop. I'm going to give it a try... I'm going to try to ignore my acne. Spend the rest of my summer acting as though it makes no difference to me {while secretly starting Accutane, of course ;D}. Give me the mental strength to accomplish this task. Wish me luck, I will need it.

Update on Status of Skin --- I HATE ORTHO TRI-CYCLEN

I'm having an absolutely horrible experience with this birth control pill...

I'm halfway through the third week of the pack, and I've experienced just about every "minor" symptom you can experience taking these. They include nausea, throwing up, nonstop spotting, hair loss, headaches, stomach cramps, and ACNE.

Hey, I thought birth control pills were supposed to HELP with acne, not worsen them. However, I can tell you that my acne has multiplied two-fold since starting this pill. The cysts have spread to my left cheek, chin, forehead, and parts of my face I NEVER had acne in before. I am very unhappy about this. Before the "horrible breakout" and before OTC, my left side was GENERALLY clear. In terms of active cysts, it has just about the same amount as my right cheek at this moment. What the heck...

I'm even starting to get back acne.... -_-

I'm going to have a talk with my Dermatologist on the 18th about these symptoms and ask her if I should just opt for abstinence... because these symptoms would have been worth it had it been Accutane, but it's not. I'm just hoping it doesn't get much worse in 11 days time....

Hello Guys! (and Gals who don't like being called Guys)

Thought I'd entertain you with a picture (or pictures) I drew this morning related to how I feel about my own acne.

This last week has been nothing but a waiting game for me...

I wake up in the morning, eat my breakfast, go to school (research), and come home with a new pimple.

The end is coming (maybe, hopefully, plsgodsayitisso), but it is not here yet.

Sometimes I feel like my face is getting better already (minus the visible scars and hyperpigmentation). I think to myself, "If these 4/5 huge red pimples on my right cheek would go away, I'd look OKAY." And, just as those pimples begin to heal, BOOM, 4/5 new pimples start an inflammation party. What a never ending circle...


I said I'd only write when there was something new/interesting to write about, and indeed there is! I'm not sure this is for everyone to read though...

First Week of Ortho Tri-Cyclen -- The Strugglez

My period started on Monday of this week. Surprisingly, it was only 2 days late. This is the first time I ever bothered keeping track of the days between my period, because I always assumed I was too irregular to even try. ONLY 2 days late. Wut. So much wow. I did a lot of raging because I was hoping to start OTC on Sunday, but *shrug* First Day Start is okay too!

I take OTC at 7:00PM when I'm usually home and full of food. My first two days went without complications. However, I missed a pill on Wednesday because I went to the California State Fair and forgot to bring the packet with me. I was like "Only you're third day and you missed it already... Wow, you're so irresponsible Teresa..."

Anyway, I took TWO pills the next day as instructed by the OTC manual. This is when hell ensued. The first thing I noticed was nausea, similar to the nausea I get after taking a zinc supplement, but a little worse. I thought I could sleep it off, because that's what I usually do. However, I woke up 2 hours later, at 1AM, running to the toilet to throw up. Strange enough, my stomach was somehow empty (even though I ate chicken nuggets for dinner), so I only threw up air and spit.

I thought it was over after that. That's how it usually works right? I was wrong. Suddenly, my stomach was overcome with excruciating pain. If I had to rate the pain on a scale from 1-10, I'd rate it an 8 or 9. I didn't freak out though. This pain was all too familiar to me. I just had to sit on the toilet and cry for a very long time until my body got rid of whatever was making it angry.

After a lot of shaking, trembling, and sweating, thinking I was going to die the same death as Elvis Presley, my stomach finally settled down.

Pain over, right? WRONG. After my stomach was satisfied, I was overwhelmed with nausea yet again. I bent over the toilet I JUST flushed (eww gross) and threw up air and spit one last time. FINALLY, the strugglez were over. I crawled to my room, pulled myself up onto my bed, curled up in a fetal position, and FINALLY fell asleep.

I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs of any kind. Therefore, I don't remember the last time I had to throw up. It's been 6 years at LEAST. Now, I have incentive never to miss a pill!! If I do, it's R.I.P. Teresa.


Current Progress --

My current progress right now is no progress at all. I have 20+ inflamed pimples on my face. This does not include the smaller ones I don't even notice because of the ugly redness of the larger ones. One of my pimples is even black in color. Kind of scary... I noticed that I experienced no new break outs WHILE I was bleeding. The moment the bleeding stopped, WHAM, a million new pimples popped up. Great. I wish I could stay inside and hide for the next few months ;~;.

Welp, I hope you enjoyed my episode of Traumatizing Toilet Troubles, and let us hope there won't be a second one.

I'm so sorry!

I haven't written in over a month, and it was intentional. I don't want to write every day or every week when there is nothing interesting

to write about. What I've basically been doing this entire month is calling any dermatologist in my area I could find, and asking how soon I can be seen.

A quick reminder, the dermatologist I was originally referred to refused to see me until September 2nd (It was June when I asked to be seen).

Even though I was extremely distressed and depressed, no exceptions could be made.

A month long battle of frustration and desperation ensued, and finally, today, I emerged victorious.

I had my first appointment with a dermatologist today and guess what:

I am officially registered in the iPLEDGE system. I'm getting Accutane.

I was so afraid it would not go well.

I was afraid my acne wasn't serious enough. I was afraid she'd turn me down.

However, she signed me up without any hesitation.

She noticed right away the amount of visible scarring I have on my face and, of course, assumed emotional scarring as well.

I also informed her that I had tried everything from non-medicated facial washes to topical antibiotics without any improvement.

It's unfortunate that I'm scarred, I know, but it got me what I wanted.

Also, because I need to be on 2 forms of birth control, I am going on the Ortho Tri-Cyclen BP. (She gave me abstinence as an option. I'm a virgin, but who knows what will happen. I want to be safe.)

I can finally start counting the days until clearance.

After 8 long years, I finally have an end date for my acne. I will be realistic and keep in mind that I might relapse, but I know for sure I'm going to have a break. That enough puts me at ease.

I am a month and a half behind schedule, so I will not be clear by the time I am a senior... but I know I'll be clear early enough into it so that it will not hurt my year too much. I'm content. After all, dreams must be fought for. They aren't worthwhile otherwise.

For people following me:


I will blog if and only if there is something new or interesting to say.


Since I'm about to jump on the DRY DRY DRY bandwagon, I want to prepare in advance.

For those of you who are on (or have been on) Accutane, what products do you suggest I buy RIGHT NOW to control the dryness I am sure to experience?

This. Is. War.

I have a dream...

And that dream is to live.

I have a goal...

And that goal is to give...

To give the world the best of me...

To rid it all so they can see...

The person that I am inside...

The face that I so often hide...


My goal...

is to be rid of my acne by the time senior year (of college) starts. It's a need, not a want.

Senior year is the last year I will be able to see my friends every day. It is the last year I'll be surrounded by thousands of people my age. It is my last chance to be noticed. This is why it is a MUST that I be clear. With my current skin condition, living life the fullest is practically impossible. I MUST be clear senior year.

But there are obstacles in my path....

I finally called my doctor asking about the status of my referral to the dermatologist. He told me that the referral had already been sent (2 weeks ago), and to call the dermatologist office to schedule an appointment.

And so I did. Guess what?

The earliest opening is 3 months from now....

THREE MONTHS from now! September 2nd, 2014. This is ridiculous. I am not at all happy... Do they only see one patient a day or something?... I cannot accept this.

If I'm not able to see a dermatologist until September, that means I won't be able to start Accutane until October (and that's assuming I successfully get prescribed during my first visit). This means I will be in school by the time I start Accutane, and I will be on it for the majority of the year. This means: I WILL NOT BE CLEAR.

I don't want to spend the rest of my summer hiding, crying, and obsessing. I am mentally incapable of doing so.

I have a GOAL , a DREAM, and I'm extremely determined to meet it.

This. Is. War.

Yes, dermatologists... I declare war. I'm going to call the office every single day asking to schedule an "urgent" appointment. I'm going to call every day asking to take any cancelled slots. I'm going to do whatever it takes to be able to take my first pill by next month.

I've never wanted anything so desperately...

This is going to happen.... Nothing's going to stop me...

P.S. "This Is War" by 30 Seconds to Mars is a pretty good song. :P


Still no call from a dermatologist. I'm beginning to feel like my summer will be over before I am able to see one, and that makes me very, very upset. My goal is to be acne free by the time my senior year starts, and that would require me to be a few months into accutane... Time is running short!

My little obsession with my face and acne got me thinking a little bit, though. It's given me some pretty deep thoughts--as deep as my cystic acne *huehuehue, pun intended*.

My mind has become a little clearer now that THE WORST BREAKOUT OF MAI LYFE is starting to subside, and while I'm sitting on my bed in the morning, I begin to ask myself:

Why So Serious?

Yes, why am I so serious? Why do I let my acne affect my life so much? Why do I care?

As we all know, there are a lot of worse things out there...

  • Ignorance
  • War
  • Murder
  • Cancer (and other diseases)
  • Poverty
  • Physical Abuse
  • Drugz and Stuffz
  • My face (jk, but seriously, no, jk)

‚ÄčAcne... comes nowhere near the severity of the things listed up there. To be honest, worrying about it is quite superficial. Unless I have 50,000 angry boils all over my face, I shouldn't let it bother me. But I do. One horrible breakout, and my life is seriously over. I'm spending my nights with my face buried in my pillow, literally crying because I see myself as some hideous monster. Why do I do that to myself?

Am I Superficial...? Vain?... Conceited?... Selfish?...

You know, I never considered myself superficial. I don't drink, do drugs, have meaningless sex, listen to Lil Wayne (okay, sometimes I do). I don't judge people by their looks. Yet my own self worth is directly proportional to how pretty I think I am, and that pretty much amounts to sh**.

I am not a bad person on the inside... I know it. Not to be conceited and all, but I know plenty of people who have been attracted to me because of my personality and my cystic deep thoughts *hehe*. I chase them all away because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the moment they see how bad my acne is, they'll leave, and I will be left broken in pieces.

I'm sure my friends don't see me any differently with or without acne. If they do, well, they're probably not my friends.

I really am my worst enemy.

BUT, everybody knows it's not that simple. I can't control what bothers me and what doesn't. I mean, I can try, but it's HARD, as hard as an inflamed nodule.

Have you ever tried controlling who you fall in love with? Let me tell you, it's pretty much impossible. Your feelings have a mind of their own, and so do your priorities (to some extent). Becoming emotionally distressed because of acne is a part of who I am, and it will be very difficult for me to change it. It's only partially my fault. I place the rest of the blame on genetics (which gave me acne in the first place), and on media. Media, you suck.

To those of you who are suffering with me...

I don't blame you. I am here for you. You are not alone.

But, I do urge you to sit and think for a second.

"Is it acne, or is it me?"

The world isn't as superficial as you think it is. There is a great big chance it's all in your head.

I will not blame you if you cannot see it, because honestly,


If you can't help yourself:

Find ways to deal with your frustration. Consult others.

Bother the hell out of your friends.

Write random blogs to random people on the intranets, like me!

Give it a try *nudge nudge*.

But don't suffer alone.

I end this blog with my favorite quote:

"Be who you are, and say what you feel.

Because, those who mind, don't matter.

And, those who matter, don't mind."

- Dr. Seuss.

P.S. I am terribly sorry if you write a comment to me and it appears I am not responding back. I can't post comments yet because the mods have not approved my first post. .-. I have responded to you *maybe*.


There is nothing good I can say about it. I hate it, I abhor it, I wish it never existed.

But, who here on this site doesn't feel the same? I'm pretty sure there isn't a single person registered here who worships it. If I find a blog about how amazing acne is, I'll make sure I comment, "haha, very funny. troll."

For those of you who do not know, my name is Teresa, and I struggle with acne. I've had pretty painful acne since I was

13 years old. I am now 20 years old. Do the math, that's 7 years. There hasn't been a single day since my first zit that I have

ever been pimple free. I practically grew up with acne.

My acne has always bothered me. Being the self-conscious person I am, I was never happy with any flaw I saw on my face,

and acne was definitely the biggest. Despite that, I have always been able to tolerate the pain of living with a few (many) inflamed

bumps living on me... because acne is a normal thing to have.

However, I've been suffering through the worst breakout of my life for the last couple months (there may have been worse, and I just don't remember them)... and...

"I can't take it anymore!!"

I don't know what it is about this breakout (EXCEPT BEING THE WORST BREAKOUT EVER), but I think I've finally reached my breaking point (No pun intended). My tolerance for acne (on my own face) has dropped down to 0, or negative, if that's even possible. I've become noticeably depressed, obsessed, and antisocial because of it. I've honestly become hopeless.

I think what hit me hard was the fact that I'm entering my last year of college (University). I've already let acne ruin my entire high school experience, and I'm about to let it have my last year of college. Oh, HEOOOO to the NAHH.


What can I do about it?...

I've tried everything I have the power to try...

I went on Murad my sophomore year of high school...

I was prescribed tretinoin topical cream 2x.

I was prescribed Clindamycin Phosphate 2x.

I bought everything Neutrogrena.

I tried the generic version of ProActive (AcneFree for Severe Acne)

I bought everything Biore.

Bought some sketchy cream I don't even remember the name of anymore.

I tried the holistic approach:

-- Currently take 25000IU Vit A, 2000IU Vit D3, 400IU Vit E, and 50mg Zinc daily

I tried putting Tea Tree Oil all over my face (that's when the acne started getting REALLY bad. I regret it).

I tried breaking up the Vit E capsules and putting it on my face...

I tried going vegan...

I tried exercising regularly...


You know... I thought acne was something you're supposed to grow out of. I've been waiting 7 years for that to happen...

And instead of getting better, it only gets worse. I'm not going to wait any longer...

I want it to stop now. I want to live.

I'm doing something I should have done years ago. I went to my doctor and got a referral to a dermatologist. I plan on asking for Accutane (or more correctly, Isotretinoin) on my first visit. I'm a little worried though...

My doctor told me to wait for a call from the dermatologist, because, apparently, that's how referrals work. It's been a week, and still no call. Did he jip me? Am I actually going to see a derm? WHERE ARE YOU DERM??

Also, I'm afraid my dermatologist (if I actually ever get to see one) won't prescribe me isotretinoin. I want it so badly, but I'm afraid he/she won't see my acne as severely as I see it. It's ruined my life. Actually, it's prevented me from ever having one. People who "used to have clear skin" and got a sudden bad breakout don't understand what it's like to never have been able to enjoy life...

I want to be put on Isotretinoin A.S.A.P. Today would be great (clearly not happening). Within the next month, if possible, please? I'm not interested in being put on one oral antibiotic after another. I don't have the time to waste. I want to be GUARANTEED a clear face for most of my senior year... and nothing but Isotretinoin will do it for me.

I desperately NEED to be acne free. I want to meet boys, party, go out, be social.... all those things I'm too self-conscious to do. All those things I feel I've been deprived of because of acne.

This wait is seriously driving me crazy. If I have to live another year with acne... Let's just say... I'm not going to let myself live another year with acne.


I've posted a picture of myself hiding my acne behind a webcam. Also started an album to *show off* my beautiful acne ridden face.

To those of you who were actually curious enough to read to the end, do you think my acne is bad enough to get prescribed Accutane?

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