I just opened this blog now even though I've had this account for months and have only posted a few times on the forum, but well I just wanted to dump my feelings somewhere.
I get depressed about my acne quite often, but usually I've learned to not let it get to me too much and just occupy myself with other things. Still, my skin is the thing that concerns me the most, it's the thing that worries me, annoys me, depresses me the most, everyday. I'm always thinking about my skin, I go to the bathroom often to look at my skin, I'm always looking for things to do to make my skin better, which most of the time it just makes it worse and irritated.
Acne is really a serious problem. It's so annoying that you feel like you can't let people look at your face, that you don't want anyone to look at you closely, that you don't feel like going out because of it, that you feel so hideous because of it. It's even more annoying and depressing when you keep seeing people with beautiful skin, even them being older than you. Everytime I see someone anywhere, and on tv, the internet, anywhere, I always think to myself that they have much better skin than mine, that I wish I had skin like that, wonder why I had to be one of the unlucky ones to get this horrible skin monster, when there's so many people with nice skin.
I dream and wish so much of the day when my skin is no longer something that occupies most of my thoughts, that I can go out or look at and talk to people without worrying about how my skin looks, that I can go out without putting a bunch of makeup to at least make it a bit less disgusting, that I can take pictures and not worry about how horrible my skin will look, that I can go on webcam with my boyfriend or friends without having to put makeup first or try to find the perfect angles and lighting to hide my bad skin, etc etc.
I've thought many times that I really just want to die. Because I'm just so unhappy. I'm sick of having bad skin, I'm skin of feeling disgusting everytime I look in the mirror, I'm sick of hiding because I don't have the confidence to show myself like this, I'm sick of keeping on wasting money on skincare products that never work, I'm just so sick of it all. If I had nice skin, 90% of my problems, depression, anger, worries, anxiety...would go away, and I would feel so much better. I think my life would be so much better and I would be able to be a more positive person and be more motivated to do things. To go out there, get a job, make new friends, just make my life better.
The reasons I haven't committed suicide is because, I'm kind of afraid of death, I don't want to feel pain, I'm afraid of what's after, if there is anything at all. And because of my boyfriend. Because I love him so much, and I obviously don't want to make him sad. I met my boyfriend online and we've been in a long distance relationship for 3+ years. We haven't got to see each other in person yet because there just hasn't come a good opportunity. But I personally, do not want to see him in person like this. It makes me even more depressed, because I want to look beautiful for my boyfriend. I don't want to go see him with my skin looking so disgusting. I don't want to see him to be self-conscious about my skin all the time. I don't want to see him and try to avoid him from looking at me closely or directly. What kind of relationship would that be?...So, I can't be with my boyfriend until my skin problem is solved and I'm able to feel good about myself. But this just hurts even more you know?...because I want to be with him already, but because of my stupid acne I don't have the courage and the confidence to meet him. My acne is just ruining my life completely. It's ruining life chances for me to be happy and progress. It's making me stuck in one place with no way out. I'm just so sick of it all...I don't know what to do anymore. If it was only the acne, but I think what annoys me most is the scarring, because I know it's not something that will just go away with time. It will probably just stay there forever. I don't have and will never have money for expensive lasers or treatments to fix my skin. So I will just have to live with this forever and it's just what angers me the most.
I don't think I'm an ugly girl, but the acne makes me ugly. Why give me a "pretty" face and then give me horrible acne to ruin it?...why not just make me ugly in the first place?...I just can't. I can't stand this. I just want to rip my face off. I want to disappear. I want to be gone from this world. I want my memories gone so I don't have to feel like I'll leave anyone behind or I'll make anyone sad. I'm just so sick of it, but I know that tomorrow and the coming days will be just the same. Trying to ignore it, trying to not let it consume me, trying to hang in there, because I know I don't have the courage to take my life, so I just have to go on and deal with it even if it's just killing me inside everyday.