I wash washing the dishes one night and feel a cold finger run down my scar and acne covered back. I turn quickly to see my mom standing behind me, with a mixture of sadness and disgust on her face.
"Christelle, why don't you use a lotion or something to clear this up?" She says, as if it's my fault I have acne to begin with. I don't even try to explain that her stupid beauty creams could have oil and chemicals that could make it worse, because she would never understand (she's from a different era and country). I return to washing the dishes and seethe quietly with anger and frustration.
I had been Googling some things the other and decided to try an oatmeal face mask to try and clear up my acne scars. I did it for a few weeks and only saw results on my chest, but couldn't reach my back and my face was showing and significant signs. I guess my parents were getting annoyed for some reason, and started discouraging me about it.
"It's never going to work, so stop putting that stuff on your face," Says my mom.
"Why do you put that on your face? It's only making it worse," Says my Dad.
It was so annoying and frustrating that i have now stopped and started using honey instead, alone in my room. So far, I'm seeing some great results on my chest.
This happens more often than it should.
I'll be at my grandma's house, waiting for her to open the door and my mom with look at me with the disgust/sad look on her face again and say, "Christelle, look at your face. It has so many scars and bumps . . . Do you ever wash it properly? All those soaps you're using aren't working,"
Every time these things were said to me, you know how I felt? Excuse my language, but I felt like a piece of shit. I would look at my face in the mirror when washing it and think, Ugh, she was right. Your face looks disgusting. You're ugly. Nobody will ever love you. Who wants to go out with the pizza faced black girl?
Sounds dramatic, but that's what happens when your self-esteem has been lowered so much. To add on to my ugliness, I also have a very large gap between my two front teeth that unfortunately runs in the family and a large overbite.
My father has been more supportive lately--he was the one who went to the doctor with me to get the Benzoyl Peroxide. I would go to a dermatologist, as my friend Lexi has done (she takes a pill and also has great results) but I'm afraid it's too expensive. To top off our budget tightness, we have a FIFTH child on the way. Yay.
My mother is never supportive. She says my treatments will never work and constantly reminds me just how ugly it is.
My older brother also has had acne problems, but at 17, his is clearing up naturally. Lucky.
In the end, I try not to let my mother's words get to me and keep my spirits up with friend's encouragement I'm so happy I found this site because I really need it outlet for all these feelings I'm holding in, because some days, it feels like no one understands.
Comments are welcome Thank you for reading