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About this blog

I've been dealing with acne since I was 12 years old... I wouldn't even call it moderate acne -- but I do get severe cystic lesions. There have been times of clear skin, and periods of what I consider horrific. Remember, everything is relative...someone with mild or moderate acne can be as depressed as someone with severe acne. The mind works in an interesting way; making things seem as though they are the worse they'll ever be. And this is where I am currently. Isolated from the world around me, not because I worry about the judgement of others; but because I care about my own skin, my face, I want to represent the best me everyday... but I can't do that (although I know realistically I could) because my obsessive compulsive mind won't allow me to. My day starts off in fear; fearful to take a look in the mirror; will there be a new challenge (a new zit) to face today? And if so, how am I going to work around it? Will I pop it? Conceal it? Touch it? Medicate it? Or squeeze it enough that I make things entirely 100% worse off than they were, now dealing with horrific scab that looks like I underwent minor surgery... so many questions, so much anxiety, so much fear. My brain rattles, I feel panicked. Some days are worse than others, on bad days I find myself checking the mirror more often, just to make sure nothing has changed, other days I say "f*** it" and hide from the mirror because it's just too much, too emotional to even face myself. I know I can be hard on myself, but this is a tragedy. It's no way to live. I want to change the way I feel about my skin; myself. It's hard to just let things be... to not have control over my hormonal acne is absolutely crushing on my self esteem. And sometimes I only make it worse. I can't be the very best me when I am feeling so low about myself. These feelings go against everything I stand for; to live fully. This toxic, depressive time makes me feel ashamed because life is passing me by -- just outside these walls. But I find comfort here. I am in a safe place. Maybe it's time to learn to accept my flaws, but to also learn by doing that, to accept the loss of control. With time, self-reflection, prayer, and meditation, I can heal. 

Entries in this blog

Blog Entry No. 1

Today started off like most; fear, anxiety, panic...in other words, I pretty terrible way to start your day....and I've been living this way for 13 years. I've been on acne.org for many years now, popping in from time to time, finally becoming a member back in 2012. I find peace here... talking with others who are experiencing the same things; whether it's acne itself or they psychological effects of acne; depression, scabbing, scarring, hyper-pigmentation, etc. And I enjoy being here for you guys too, lending a helping hand and sharing my experiences.

Discussing acne in general, in public, is definitely an awkward subject, so having this community as always been something I could come to in good times and bad. 

Back in June this year my skin started acting differently... I was getting a lot of clogged pores (which is not common for me whatsoever), and tiny little bumps everywhere along my chin and around my nose. It drove me insane. I was committed to not use BP or any other harsh chemicals on my skin, since i had been BP-free and SA-free for about a year with success. But something changed; as most things in life do. I was fed up come August and got topical clindamycin to help, and it did, but it never truly does lasts or prevents new lesions. In September I quit birth control pills and my spirnolactone to start trying for our first baby; my skin remained relatively in good condition until mid October. My skin got dry (perhaps due to the weather changes) and I opted for a new foundation; what a terrible idea. Major clogged pores and breakouts in the weeks to come. In mid November I started getting cystic acne again, not just one at time, but 2-3 at a time. It's been a terrible two months to say the very least. In the past two months I've had 10 cystic lesions, 7 of which were hit with a cortisone shot, 1 that disappeared as quickly as it appeared (which yes, is amazing) and two that I thought I could extract myself... and today I sit here in my home office with a hydrocoloid bandage on my face.... (lets just say it did not go well)... the repercussions of trying to extract a cyst are HUGE. Bigger than the cyst itself. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, and potential scarring....oh and the hiding in your house all weekend to follow. Sigh. 

I want to CHANGE this behavior. I want to live my life through acne differently. I want to be bigger and better than the acne itself and not let it define me. Being perfect is not possible, I know this... but why has my life surrounded this entire notion that I have to be perfect and yet I don't hold that standard to anyone else. It sounds absolutely crazy... But I know I'm not the only one. I can't be.  

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