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A day by day diary type blog, mostly for motivation and to have someone or something to "report to" and keep me going.

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Okay, so obviously saying "I'm not going to pick ever again starting now" is not a reasonable goal for me. So, as another member suggested to me, I'm going to make short term goals for myself. The first one is that I'm NOT going to pick until after thanksgiving. That means no picking tonight, and no picking tomorrow morning before all the thanksgiving festivities begin. This is going to be hard. Because I'm getting ready for work and have so many bumps and scabs that I'm trying to cover up with makeup and these are the moments when I just want to flatten everything out. But I won't. Not at least until after thanksgiving. But hopefully, not even then either.

Please God, let me conquer this short term goal.

Day 2, Morning

I have had 3 face picking sessions since I last wrote yestersay morning. Absolutely ridiculous. Where did my motivation go that I had yesterday. When I got home from work, I picked. Then I covered my face in Cerave lotion Beause it was so dry and hurt, and a few hours later, I picked before I went to bed. I slept in my lotion hoping it would help things heal overnight, and then I woke up this morning and picked again. I HAD to get rid of all those "active" pimples, which actually are under the skin and require squeezing to the extent that skin comes off the top. I knew if I didn't pop them, I would be thinking about them all day at work today, and looking at them in the tiny mirror on my phone.

I did call my boyfriend last night crying. I told him how awful my face looks, and that I'm Embarassed to go with him to thanksgiving and for his perfectly flawless family to see my face. He was a little angry, because he's sick of talking about this. He reminded me that I do this to myself, and that if I didn't totally destroy my face it wouldn't look that bad and any blemishes could easily be covered with makeup. He said that tomorrow at thanksgiving I'm not going to walk in and ask everyone "hey what do you think of my face?" I'm going to walk in with a smile and pretend it doesn't bother me, and that people have to do that every day of their lives. He said my total obsession over my face is really taking a toll on our relationship. I think this truly made me feel worse. I imagined our relationship ending over my face, and how much shame I would feel.

The only time I don't pick is when I have nothing to pick. And often, if I give it 2 weeks or so to heal after it looking like it does now, it will actually be clear enough that I feel confident and don't have the urge to pick. I wish I could fast forward to that, but I can't. And I just don't know what to do with this now. I wish the pimples would stop forming right now, so I could just let all the scabs heal. Beause I COULD do that. But I just can't handle active ones, and if they're there, they will be popped/picked.

I'm just going to keep praying that God can give me the strength to get through this.

Day 1, Morning

Okay, enough is enough. I don't know what in me has finally snapped but I'm

SICK AND TIRED of this obsession. I think it might be because thanksgiving is in 2 days, and I'm absolutely dreading it because my face is picked into an oblivion. Or because for the past 2 weeks, I have only gone to my boyfriends after dark, and have left first thing in the morning before the sun could shine any light onto my face... This isn't right. This isn't how life is supposed to be lived. Right now I have about 10 picked at spots, and 4 active acne. I'm at work, and all I want to do is go home and pop the crap out of those active ones, but I'm not doing it. No matter how big they are and how tempted I am, for the first time I'm going to leave them alone.

I haven't picked at all today, which is already huge for me. I woke up this morning and put my makeup over all this mess, one of them even started bleeding, but I just dealt with it and went to work. I've been embaraased all day though, because I know how bad my entire face looks. I keep looking in the little "apple" on the back of my iPhone at my face, and I have to take a deep breath and continue working. One thing I've found to keep myself calmer throughout the day is that looking in that tiny apple isn't nearly as bad as looking in a full mirror, where I can see my entire face. If I can see just small portions of my face, individual pimples, I don't totally lose my mind and need to hide immediately.

Along with picking, I have a habit of washing my face 15 times a day or more... Literally. When I'm getting ready to go somewhere, I shower and put my makeup on... But if my face looks too dry I then have to wash it again and reapply the makeup with moisturizer. Then it looks too shiny... Wash and reapply with less lotion.... Then I put my makeup on too heavy... Wash and put less on... Then it's not enough for the coverage I want.... And I'm sure you get the idea. This turns my face into an absolute desert. So dry that it actually hurts, that I can't make facial expressions, that the makeup will hardly even go on anymore... I mean this has got to end.....

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