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About this blog

My personal acne battle

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So..

I had my second dermatologist visit yesterday and it was with the head dermatology nurse. Basically long story short she believes Isotretinoin is what I should go on since I've had acne farrr too long and tried pretty much everything. 

So plans are:

Next Wed I start birth control after I visit my doc and then the following week I meet the nurse again to take a pregnancy test and pick up my Accutane prescription. (Also yes I was confused too because I thought i had to be on birth control for one FULL month before starting BUT the nurse told me she doesn't want to delay my process with this and trusts that im not going to be silly and get pregnant) 

Next update will be when I'm taking Day 1.

Wish me luck guys.

Hey guys,

I haven't updated my blog in about a month and I felt it was probably time to do so. 

Life update:

Honestly, the last time I wrote I was in a very very bad/low place. I seriously didn't want to be here anymore and my mum was so close to taking me into hospital. Thankfully that did not happen. I took time off work to get my head around what was happening to me. I am on antidepressants again. 
A couple of weeks ago I began to feel different, I started doing yoga and eating properly again. I've added more walking into my life too and not hiding in my room EVERYDAY. I do feel a little better, I do. I feel everything happened at once and when me and my boyfriend broke up it just amplified it all you know? It made every thing worse somehow and I started to believe he just did not want me because of my skin or because I lost so much weight.

I still have very low days though so I'm not saying I'm 100% happy but I can differentiate between me now and a month ago, and I'm a little better.

Skin update:

well, as you may know or not know around March I used  a retinoid, Isotrex, for about 12 weeks and it completely ruined my skin. Prior to the Isotrex I had been using Differin for 7 or 8 months and I thought my skin was horrible which led me to visit a dermatologist who said I have mainly comedonal acne with a couple pustules and that Isotrex will HELP and NOT break me out. Well did it fuck, from the first day I used it I experienced initial purging but different from what I was used to, I got tiny pin prick spots all around my neck and everything.. my skin got very rashy looking and red and I felt ugly as hell.

Im glad I stopped it because I saw zero improvement. However, after stopping I visited my general practitioner (doctor) and she said it isn't thaaaaaaat bad but I'll give you an antibiotic because there are a few pustules and papules. Erythromycin is the antibiotic, I also got Differin again. Weirdly my skin seemed to have gotten worse after stopping Isotrex, I felt so anyway.

Its been about 1 month on the antibiotics and the differin, I noticed a slight improvement in some areas a couple weeks ago, my nose, temples and upper face under my eyes seemed a lot smoother. But this week I feel different again, and discouraged but my period came this week too and I have ate more chocolate than normal. My skin isn't great, seriously.. it's bad, it's the worst it's been in the past 2 years and I feel incredibly ugly and unconfident. 

I have my next dermatologist appointment on the 20th of this month, I am asking him for Roaccutane. I will update you again then.

If you have any words of wisdom about keeping confident with acne and stuff please do message me or comment. 






 

That's all I do. I cry and stay in my room and wish I never started the gel from the derm. I look at old photos and cry even more. I'm a shadow of my former self and I hate it.  I have no one, my mum is frustrated too. I look so ugly guys, bumps EVERYWHERE.  Acne all over the place. 

I've sprained my ankle too and that still hurts after 5 weeks so that doesn't help either. I have lost a lot of weight and I use feel like I don't exist. I feel done.  

 

Honestly just don't want to be here any more. I don't. Life has just gotten super shit that I don't know what I have left to hold onto.

My skin really isn't the best right now. I'm tryin out Azelaic Acid and Differin again. I fear that the sun is making it worse, I don't know. 

On top of that me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday, and it's broken me. I feel broken. 

I forgot to mention I have noticed these tiny little pimples appearing over my body. I have no idea what this is.. The first one is in my arm fold, the second just appeared today under my breast and I have a few on my neck. :'( is this a staph infection? Folliculitis? 


 

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Options

I feel like I'm beyond low right now. I feel shattered, alone, lost and indifferent. I hate my life right now. I actually despise it. I'm just writing. I'm not crying for sympathy or help as such.. or maybe I am. I just don't know. 

I hate my face. I hate feeling my face, it feels rough and bumpy etc. It feels horrid. I just want to feel pretty and for me that's having clearer skin.

My doctor has prescribed me an antibiotic  - erythromycin tablets - and a new cream.  I am dubious about the antibiotics tbh. I don't know whether to take them or not with fear of messing up my gut.  The cream is Skinoren  (20% azelaic acid ) again I don't know if I should use this.

I see my derm in July and I'm thinking about asking him to try the stronger differin gel? Or retin a 0.025 %? I don't know guys.

To make it through the day. Struggling to see the point anymore guys. I feel horrible and ugly all the time, I hate my skin and I hate my body. My joint pains worse right now getting xrays next week but I may need surgery.

So on top of having shit skin and shit feet like wtf? Why am I actually here? I don't know anymore  man, I do know I'm very very depressed though and feel like a burden. I've been using isotrex for 10 weeks now and it's done fuck all. I am actually considering a birth control pill. I'd take accutane if there was a guarantee that my joint pain would not get worse, but there's no guarantee.  

I recently watched a video of Cassandra bankson on YouTube and she talked about how as her skin has cleared up, she still sees her acne and doesn't believe that it's as good as it looks. It's so fucking true, once you've had bad acne and you do everything to clear it up, once it's clear and you start breaking out again (not as bad as before) you literally view that as 100% as bad as the first time you broke out!  When really it's not. Similarly, as your skin clears you really don't notice it because you've had bad acne for years and will ALWAYS emotionally have acne no matter how clear you are.. meaning you are still meticulous about cleaning pillow cases regularly, watching your dairy intake, refusing high sugar foods, avoiding mirrors etc.

I guess no one can truly over come their acne until the emotional attachment to it is gone too, whether through therapy or medication or simply just thinking differently.

My skin is shut right now, it is, but I know it's been worse. I just have so much a annoyance with it because of how it makes me avoid things and ruins my relationships ALL THE TIME. I don't think I can be happy in a relationship until I am happy with myself, and I was at one point... but you know what? I had acne at that point. I've looked at pics of my skin from 2 years ago and I swear it was PERFECT but I was unhappy with it! Why? Because I still saw my old acne ridden face in my head and was frightened it would start all over again.



 

I do, I hate it right now. I'm so unbelievably upset with my skin it's unreal. I hate it and I just don't know what to do. I'm so sick of being upset and basically hiding, I'm nearly 25 but I don't want to be in this life dealing with this. 

I'm fed up of rattling my brain wondering if my acne is hormonal, or fungal or normal or a purge! I'm upset thinking that I can't handle people touching my face even my boyfriend,  that even when we have sex I'm thinking about my skin wondering if kissing is breaking me out. Like honestly. I just want to love a normal life, a care free acne free life. 

I'm very at lost on what to do, I don't have a solid skin care regimen because I don't know what to use. I see my GP  doctor in about a week so the re s that but I se a dermatologist in 2 months but I'm annoyed that I might have to kill this all with accutane. . I'm scared about going on it tbh  due to the possible joint pain side effects. . I'm very injury prone and have sore toe joints already :( 

I just feel incredibly ugly right now. I don't want this. I don't want this guys  

Guys honestly. I am at a loss. I really think I am reacting badly to this retinoid,  is it possible? Like I swear I have a million bumps all over my cheek and neck, even UNDER it and I never get spots there EVER. They are tiny bumps no head whatsoever and occasionally itchy. 

I don't know what to do :'( I am in tears over this, in fact I am truly depressed over this. It is affecting my full life right now and I can tell people are wondering "what the fuck has happened? " 

I think I need to stop it,  it's coming on 6 weeks but it's the worst it's been in my life. 

Circles.

Circles, I'm going round in circles. I said to my mum today that I hate life, I hate my life life (right now anyway).

This year has really been the worst. It started off well with meeting my boyfriend but a snowball effect of bad shit has accumulated. It started with me getting ill in January, I still have a cough from that. Then I hurt my foot in February which put me out the fitness game, still haven't exercised since. My skin started getting shit again. My house got broken into and my bag, passport, money etc got stolen. I saw a dermatologist with high hopes and Isotrex has fucked my skin right up.. anxiety ensued and I've lost 10lbs and hate leaving the house. My exams are next week and actually uni has been the most stressful thing ever this year. My bf really doesn't want to be with me, I can tell, I think he's actually trying to push me away now when before perhaps I subconsciously was pushing him away when ALL I wanted was support, I just wanted a hug and to be told that I'm beautiful and he loves me know matter what, that I'm perfect in his eyes.. but I didn't get that. So I don't believe that.

On top of all that shit I've hurt my neck and upper back. Literally cannot get a break right now. 

Why does life hate me right now? What have I done? I'm exhausted. My little head is exhausted and I hate that I feel guilty for anything I eat. I just want to be happy but I don't know how. 4 month ago I was so much happier until all this carp happened.

I'm sorry if you are getting fed up of me going on and on but I haven't anyone who understands the "emotional" side of acne. No one in MY life has this as bad as me. This blog is my only outlet.


Week 4.

So start of week 4 with isotrex. Dr those of you that don't know it's a retinoid (accutane active ingredient with 95% ethanol btw)

Literally my face is a mess and I'm thinking about just stopping the gel. I wish I hadn't started it. My skin was 70% clear with Differin so I feel maybe I should have stayed with Differin! I honestly don't know what to do guys.  This is awful and it's truly hurting my self esteem. I'm trying to hold on but I just , I'm losing it.

The pics added are not of great quality.  I just want to try and show the texture BUT my full face is blotchy and red looking like my chin there. Like everywhere. 

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So heading into week 4 with isotrex and my skin is a state, maybe it could be worse but it's really bad. 

Its s challenging and I feel I can't look at people . because I look so different to what I looked like 3 weeks ago.  My face is oily, bumpy, scabby because I picked (stupid) everywhere  is bumpy. It looks rash.  Is this what purging does? Will it or can it really get better? 

My mental state is gone, like I'm so distraught.  I do not want to see my boyfriend like this because he hasn't seen me with bad skin, the odd few blemishes but.not this. So I keep thinking about just ending it because he deserves so much better. 

A note.

This is just a post, a note, about my feelings. I have to get them out. Im sick of writing in a diary that I know no-one will read. However, even with this I don't know who will want to read it. Im literally spilling everything out here so I apologise in advance.

I am falling a part. That's how I feel right now, its not just skin related there are other things going on too. My bit toes are sore (possible arthritis) and now my lower back is sore. I work in a food factory which is tiresome and the early hours kill my happiness, but also standing for 8 hours after 7 years is affecting my body. I had a passion for fitness but I haven't actually exercisied for literally 3 months. That's partly due to soreness but also because I have been busy with uni, but more recently I don't want to face people.

I don't want to face people because of skin right now. It is not great. It is far from good, or even okay. Its shit. I could have huge huge cysts though but I don't I have a million bumps all over my face. This is affecting me in many fucking ways, my self esteem is the lowest its been in a long time and I cant eat. I cant stomach it. Im not eating like I used to anyway because I feel so guilty all the time. I do not know where to go from here, I dont have a clear skin regimen because I am sick of wasting money on product after products. And this Isotrex retinoid is just not sitting well with me, I don't know if the reaction Im having is normal or not.

More recently I am also losing my boyfriend, I feel anyway. I am draining him, I know it. I think he is struggling with how to deal with me, I only met him 4 months ago and I do love him, and he loves me. But Im losing him because of my depression. That hurts and makes me feel selfish. Im selfish because Im trying to "fix" me.  I think I look very ugly right now, and I cant even look my boyfriend properly in the eyes, because I feel ashamed. Ashamed of my face.

Yeah, so that;s me. A 24 year old woman who dislikes herself so much, and crys at almost anything. Ive lost who I was 4 months ago..Ive lost hope.  

Okay so I know im purging and shit. Which is ridiculous. But I've recently noticed these tiny rash like pimples all around my neck area, literally all around it and at the backs of my ears (as if where a scarf would lie). They aren't itchy just rough textured.

what the heck are these?

I use a bha cleanser in the morning and pretty much just a micellar water in the evenings and I do tend to wash that area with those but I don't normally have issues like this. 
 

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Literally I can't stop crying. I'm feeling sorry for myself and whatever and I just can't stop it. I look super ugly right now. My skin had NOT looked this bad in so fucking long. I'm catching people's eyes look at my full face and I can only guess what they are thinking.

I don't know if I'm having a bad reaction to isotrex or that it's just literally making every pore on my fucking fave sprout into a bump, red mark, spot or full blown whitehead. It's disgusting. 

I haven't got many people to talk to at home, I feel  like I'm a pain and I'm just going round in circles. I literally see no glimmer of light/hope in my situation right now with this.

 

Nightmare. Fucking nightmare. 

my face is very bad right now. I can't take the courage to actually upload photos of it, I'm that embarassed about it and feel extremely depressed. 

i have lots of 'baby' white heads in many area and like raised blackheads all round my forhead and chin/mouth area, tiny ones! Also my red marks are worse. I'm totally purging and it's killing me. 

Is it normal to purge so soon? Like a had two large white heads crop up on my chin after my first night using this. 

I'm just a little disheartened I guess and because there isn't much info on this isotrex I don't have much to go by except maybe relate it to accutane breakouts? Since it has isotretinoin in it?

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I'll make this short and sweet.

I was going to post in here on Tuesday cause then that would be 1 full week of using isotrex, albeit I'm using it every third day.

I did however use it Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. So really that was every second but I really do want to start slow - I feel personally that a lot of people give up too soon with retinoids because they go alllll in too soon and use it everyday etc and maybe too much of it and then they breakout!

Anyway I just wanted to say that after the FIRST use, my nose and upper lip started peeling, not drastically but noticeably. Also I had 2 white heads pop up on my chin within one bloody day. AND since only using it 3 times, I keep finding new whiteheads popping up - I have 2 on my forhead right now and about 3 on my upper lip (small ones) also a few on my temples... so yeah I don't know if that's "purging" or what but I don't often get actual whiteheads, normally I get a real whiteheads like once a month, so to have about 10 pop up in a week is mad!

So I had my first dermatologist appointment last week.

Long story short, it was a total of maybe 6 or 7 minutes (I swear) he was rather nice actually. He prescribed me Isotrexin - a mix of Isotretinoin and erythromycin. Unfortunately there was a lot of confusion with this gel and it took me a week to get it plus they gave me the wrong one - Isotrex. 

Isotrex is just a gel with Isotretinoin 0.05%. Its a retiniod (vit A derivative) and apparently less irritating but less 'superior' than Tretinoin. 

There's not much reviews on it unfortunately! The ones I've read have been very mixed. 

This is the last chance saloon before Roaccutane.

 Please work.

 

Guys I honestly do not know what to do.

I have my very FIRST dermatologist app. on Monday which I've been waiting for for over 3 months. I should be happy right? But I am super anxious. Like badly.

My issue is that I was hoping to get prescribed Roaccutane, I was ready to take that plunge 100 % but now I'm so not sure. I've been really reading about joint pain issues involved with Accutane and stuff and it seems there's do much incidences whereby arthritis is a common symptom years after the course. I currently have problems with the joints in my big toes, I'm led to believe its osteoarthritis. I'm sick scared that if I go on accutane my joint issues will worsen? 

But I really want the chance to have it all gone with this since I've tried everything now . I've been on differing for 30 plus weeks with not the best results to be pretty fucking honest. The only thing left I guess to try is a Retin-A or Retin-A Micro and antibiotic combo?  
I just don't know man. 

In getting so frustrated man. Seiously after almost 21 weeks on Differin in still getting these bumps. 

They are annoying, don't hurt, ugly and make me feel so self conscious. I'm considering going to my doctor to try Retin A 0.25% or maybe even 0.5% I just feel I need something stronger. Initially Differin was seriously working for me but it seems results have literally stopped.

 

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week 21 Differin

Just a few pics of my skin currently using the differin. 

It seems to look better in the pictures than it does in real life.  It's very bumpy and if feels rough and bugs me still. Meh.

I've started using it nightly as opposed to every second night and I have also been moisturising with coconut oil which I actually like doing :)

I have alot of PIH too which makes my skin look worse than it does. 

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Not so good

Really feeling down right now. Like I feel nothing woks for me anymore. My skins spiralling out of control and I just, I can't seem to grasp it and stop it from happening.

I've not got many people to talk to about it and I hate bringing it up but sometimes I just want to tell the world how I feel and how much my acne bothers me because then, maybe they'll accept it too even though I can't. I can't accept it, I don't want it. No one wants it.

 

I've been through a stressful month with exams and stuff and I've been eating more dairy.. that might be a cause. I don't know. I've been using differin for 21 weeks now and no had much improvement at all, the first couple months I did notice improvement slightly but now.. nothing, my skins got worse. So what's left, Accutane? BCP again? Strict diets?  

I'm awaiting am appointment with a dermatologist but I don't know how that'll go down. In ways I want accutane but then again I don't want it. But I really really don't want bad skin because I mentally cannot stand it anymore.

Life.

Hating it the now.

Ironically my face isn't even bothering me even though it hasn't changed much since the last update... its my BODY.

Omg my chest and shoulders and too of back are a mess man. I don't even know how this has happened. I got my mum to change washing powders twice, I've stopped working out as much because of the sweat, started thinking maybe it's a reaction to Polyester clothing so bought cotton bed sheets and going to invest in cotton clothes.

 

It's the tiny spots.. like a heat rash, fungus? Sometimes they are itchy. However anti dandruff shampoo doesn't hell them but they are everywhere. It's making me feel very unwomanly.

 

I got referred to a dermatologist finally by my doctor today. I'll receive a letter in a couple weeks telling me when my appointment will be.

Also I got a new topical for the morning - Duac. I've used it before with much success.

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week 15 or something

So I beieve tomorrow will be week the start of week 16 of using Differin.

I just want to say that I HATE my skin right now. I am very stressed with uni work currently though so I don't think that helps. 

Last month I took the morning after pill, which I'm not exactly proud of. I seriously noticed my skin deteriorate a lot the following weeks after that. Thing is... things started clearing up well like last week I felt okay with my skin it wasn't 'too bad'.

 But this week it's just shit. I started swimming again more often than normal and I wonder if that's playing a part. So I'm going to stop the swimming atm which kinda sucks :/

 

Still using differin roughly every second evening but I did go about 3 or 4 evenings of not taking it. I keep thinking about trying retin A? Would that seriously affect me in a negative way do you think? Like will it make me purge again etc? And make things worse?

I'm waiting till week 20 and then going back to the docs. Still want to try accutane but we'll see.