I'm so fed up. I'm so fed up and this is the only place I can come to vent, because I can just talk and talk and no one will interrupt me to tell me that I'm worrying about nothing, because I know that isn't true. I wish it was. I'm not trying to make things difficult for myself just for the sake of it. I know there are things in the world that are much worse than acne and that's something I keep trying to remind myself of, but still I feel so hopeless and down.
I've suffered with this bloody awful skin disease since I was about 13. When I was 14 it got so bad that I had to take antibiotics, and then I think I was on and off until I turned 17, when I started to take the pill, because nothing else seemed to work. My acne isn't severe; it's not something that people comment on, and I can see that it doesn't take over my face in the way that it does some people. I'm grateful for that, of course, but it doesn't mean that waking up every day with spots becomes any easier with time.
This weekend I've been close to tears almost every few hours. Yesterday I got up and did my make-up in full light, and it was such a difficult thing to do. I didn't realise how difficult it would be, and I underestimated how brave some of you are for looking in the mirror and attempting to cover the redness and the bumps that are still prominent no matter what you do. I am extremely pale. A lot of girls are, but I just look plain unhealthy. My hair and my eyes are very dark, which just enhances the contrast further. Therefore, every spot, blemish, scar, etc. stands out an unbelievable amount. I had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes once I'd finished my base yesterday and today there wasn't much of a point in applying make-up, because I pretty much cried it off afterwards. My parents are trying to be patient, but I can tell that their tolerance is wearing thin. I don't blame them. If I was living with an emotionally unbalanced person who seldom smiled and couldn't have a proper conversation without looking away or resorting to mono-syllabic answers when an uncomfortable topic arose, I'd be pretty frustrated, too.
Today we went out to a restaurant and I literally didn't see anyone with a single spot on their face. The people I work with have wonderful skin. The girl I'm currently training is so beautiful and I feel scruffy enough around her as it is without having these fucking spots.
I hate foundation. I think it's disgusting, and I hate how you have to paint your face, but I can't be without it. I hate how most of the people I went to school with could go out, get absolutely trashed, sleep in their make-up and then wake up without having to worry about the consequences their actions would have on their complexion. I hate how I have tears running down my face as I type with and I just know that's not going to do my skin any favours. I get enough sleep. I am gentle with my skincare routine. But nothing seems to do it. When I was about sixteen, I thought acne would be out of my life by the time I turned eighteen. How naive I was.
I'm dreading work tomorrow. I'm dreading getting up in the morning and having to confront my awful reflection. I hate how self-pitying and whiney this has made me. I hate struggling to look people in the eye. I hate sitting opposite someone when the light hits my face and all I can think about is how each flaw must be so much more enhanced than usual. I hate how ugly and pathetic I look. I hate this. I hate me.