want to live

I thought it gotten so much better, but it seems things only get worse.
and it's not only my skin although i break my heart when i look in a mirror.
my skin did get a bit better but at the same time also worse cause of redmarks/scarring
i just don't know what to do anymore i use BP wich i can control the acne with
but it seems it makes my skin worse with like redmarks and scarring.
i just need a clear skin cause i can't live without it
i got acne for almost 7 years now and iam sick of it iam trowing my life away cause of it.
i got no job and even though i wanna work so badly i just can't work like this. i can't concentrate, iam so frustrated.
i used to be happy like all the time, i already was a nice person, never picked on anyone and accepted everyone
for who they are. i never been an asshole to anyone so it's not like i deserve something like this!
my brother said to me that i always were so happy and fun and now i never see you smile.
and he's right i never smile cause i got no fucking reason for it.
the weird thing is last year i had more acne wasn't happy but i did had a job, always money and went out more,
and had a girl that was in love with me. and all i wanted was my skin to be better. and now it is somewhat better
but i lost everything else. i really gonna try get treatment for my face cause i just can't wait longer
i know i shouldn't let this crap control my life but the longer i got this it's only getting harder
i always try to see the positive of things and i should be happy for what i got.
but i need the feeling of being alive. i wanna wake up and feel happy. i haven't got that feeling for so long now.

a long boring post sorry about it just needed to rant

Something i wrote

why i had to go down this path, it can be so sad, a part of my life i will never forget.
why i had all this pain, wondering if things will ever be the same.
i gotta accept this is just a phase, but what the hell happened to my face.
sometimes i feel like i'm trapped in a maze, like someone trew away the key and iam stuck in this cage.it's a struggle in life wich ive chosen to fight, cause at the end of the tunnel there will be light.

here we go again..

iam getting really sick of this shit.. just a bad week i gues
the last few weeks i was doing really well my skin looked really good too
i spend a lot of time outside in the sun and noticed my red marks are really fading
only got them on my cheeks. but couple of nights ago i talked to my sister about my face
we were drinking and i was pretty drunk and just tried explaining how i feel about it and so on
but she just got mad about it telling me iam making a big deal out of it and that i just want attention or people feeling sorry for me while it's not bad at all and iam depressed and telling
me that you won't like to end up like mom. my mother was depressed and took her own life two years ago
i mean it's got a whole lot better and i felt really better but still i live in fear of break-outs but she just did not let me finish what i had to say so we got into a fight and i just left. but then my brother called me up about it
and it only getted worse because i was really frustrated and angry and haven't seen them sinch last week. but i feel really bad about it because i got into fights before just because of my shit.
but now iam breaking out again wich i haven't had for a while, and feel even worse.
it was getting better and now i break-out on the places that were finally clear and just feel like shit
again.. its beautiful weather but i don't feel like doing anything.
iam sorry for the depressing post i wish i had something more positive to write but just needed
to write it down. thanks for reading