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15 Nov 2009
Wondering how the men in here try talking to women, or if you do at all. I only approach women sometimes because I have to be in a good mood, but since I haven't been in a good mood for a few months, there hasn't been much time for me to do any kind of charming.
I don't go in with a pickup line because those never work for me, but I'll just introduce myself and start a conversation about anything. I only approach if I get good eye contact or a smile. Even though I was in a terrible mood this morning I made a joke to this woman at the store next to me, and she laughed, so I have that to carry me into the week, but she looked near her 40's. Still pretty though. I have to put myself in a different place because if I'm nervous or self-conscious it shows through body language, and I still haven't met a women who finds that attractive, so I just fake it.
14 Nov 2009
This was supposed to be over. I told some people that I was leaving the org for good because I didn't like the idea of posting in this section for the rest of my life.
From 2007-2009 there has been no change in my scars. It's like I've been looking in the wrong mirror and now I got to see what my face really looks like. I have a few pimples right now, but my scars are dark red in the sunlight. To be honest, I could live with the scars, but do they have to be red? I don't even break out in that area, but it looks like I've been clawing at my face. I've even seen myself in daylight and I was able to accept what I saw, but today was different. My overall appearance was discouraging. I've posted pictures but they don't show what I saw this morning. I thought my face looked good, and I can't believe how many people I've spoken to with my scars like this. The last two years were a joke. Just a bunch of fooling myself and living in delusion. Nobody in the real world will understand my problem, especially not my family or the people I associate with. My friends have limited understanding and would probably just laugh if I mentioned how my scars bother me. And if I brought up a problem that was bothering me it would be on fucking CNN the next day. You can't give anyone your trust because word travels fast. I'm a hypocrite because of the advice I've given to everyone that passed through this section, and now I can't take my own advice. Only thing I have going appearance wise is my body I guess, but that's because I've been severely depressed the last couple of months and decided to exercise more than ever. I thought exercise was supposed to help depression but doesn't appear to be true in my case. And I've taken those bullshit Lexapro pills in the past and they've done nothing. And I can't be on those types of pills for the rest of my life, because when I come off I'll start to remember why I'm depressed in the first place, and then I'll need another fix. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not fishing for compliments, and I don't care if anyone responds either, but it's nice to be able to write something and have a person who's struggling with the same thing think "Yeah, I agree." Won't make you feel any better about your situation, but at least you know someone else is stuck with the same shit you're dealing with, and misery does enjoy its company. Running away from your skin doesn't do any good. Facing your problem doesn't do anything either. We're fucked either way. |
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