Fear

Ok. Heres the deal (I know, i have made so many posts about my problems recently... but i need somewhere to think this through)

So, my dream all throughout high school was to graduate early, and then live in brasil for a year. I am a couple months from graduating a year early, and everything was going great. Until this girl came along. Now i am in love, and we cant be separated. Sad, i know.

So, i am scared. Very scared. I have friends in brasil who are waiting for me to come, and i have planned this for 3 years. I know i cant leave this girl for a year. I just cant. It feels like my whole life plan has been turned upside down. I want more than anything to leave, but she has said it will be so hard for her, and it is going to be hard for me.

I have never wanted to go to college, but now i want to because thats where she is going. And it fricking scares me. Scares me that my life can change so much so quickly. I am scared i will fail. Scared i wont be able to make enough money to support her, or to support me.

I know that i should focus on the present, but thats impossible. Senior year is when you think about your life and what you want to do, and i have no idea how i am going to get there. I love languages, and i want to get out of the united states and move back to italy, but she is happy here and cant branch out so easily. I feel like i am going to give up everything i have ever wanted for this girl. We have talked about me going into the UN in new york, but i honestly dont know. I just feel lost right now. And i know all i want is to be with this girl, but i dont know if i can not be with her for 6 months to a year, and then wait four more years of school while she gets a degree at something.

ok, to help me relax, i have questions.

-do i need a degree to be a translator at the UN, and if so, which?
-is it hard to get a job at the UN?
-I have had the notion all along that i would not go to college, so my grades are horrible. I mean, A's in easy classes, and some B's and mostly C's. Nothing to be proud of. Can i get into a good college with these? and do i even need a good college?
-I have over 200 community service hours, but i never thought of documenting them... is that going to hurt me?
- is it possible to keep this girl and my dreams? and is it selfish for me to ask her to change her plan a bit for me?

I just need some solid advice. Graduation is coming, and everyone is all secure with their college and i am stuck. I am tied down because i cant leave this girl, but if i dont i dont know if i can make a life for myself. please help

Need help

Ok, everything is great with me and my girl. No problems. but i really need some advice on how to deal with something.

So of course she has had other boyfriends, 3 to be exact. 1 that didnt matter, 1 that bothers me, and another that was like eh.

The second one was with a guy for 2 years. They talked alot and then started dating for 3 months, then he left for college and it was over (she told me the complete story today). This is the one that hurts me the most. She didnt even love him, but stayed with him because he was popular. He gave her herpes when they stopped liking eachother and it just became physical. It kills me. this absolutely kills me. Just the thought of her being with other guys gives me panic attacks, and i dont know why. Even though she is still a virgin, and she has saved THAT for me, it still kind of hurts.

I really need help, i was thinking about it today (usually i try not to,) and even though i KNOW i should be happy i have her (i am), and that she regrets all the other guys, it still hurts. She tells me all the time if she knew i was coming, she would have not dated and waited for me.

I know you need to live in the present, but it just hurt me really bad today. I had three attacks where they left me unable to move, and i just want to get this solved.

On the one hand, i look at her and i am so happy she is mine, because she says she loves me and wants to be with me forever. But on the other, i think about the other guys and it hurts my heart. Mostly because i know they hurt her, they used her. It just kills me that the time they got with her i would have enjoyed 20 times more.

I know I might be being a little girl or something, I know. Please... someone give me something so i can come to peace with this and just love her!!!!!!

short term memory loss

I saw my dad's ring on the table, so i picked it up and put it on. Then it got stuck, so i spent 5 min trying to get it off. Then i put it back, and a little bit later, i put it back on for no reason. I forgot it would get stuck. My memory is really a pain. I forget things that just happened, but i can remember them later.

Last week, i was talking to my brother on the phone, and it dropped the call. So i was meaning to call him back, and i forgot it ever happened. Then it just hit me today, and i felt so bad! So i called him and told him, and he just said "yeah, i was wondering why you didnt call back!"

But yeah, thats about the extent of it. I hope i can recover from it one day...

On a complete side note, i need some relationship advice.

So my girlfriend and i are madly in love. But she confuses the hell out of me! I mean, when we make out and are together, she talks about how she wants me to make love to her, and be her first and only guy for the rest of her life. And i want that too... so we lead eachother on into spots where that can happen, and then she makes an excuse about why she doesnt want to. She says "oh not in your car, when we get in a bed together and have time then ok baby?" So we get in her bed, and have 2 hours alone... and she makes up another excuse. So i was so confused for a while... but she basically told me tonight. That she wants to wait for marriage now, because if we do it now, its like there is nothing to save. And i am totally cool with that! thats how i started off, and she changed me and then i wanted it, and she didnt! So that is all well and good... it doesnt really matter. I can wait, in a way i am relieved. But thats only the start of it....

But i guess it all comes down to the fact that i asked her to marry me. We both know we are meant for eachother, thats easy enough. But i dont think she believes me when i say i want to marry her. I dont know. She confuses me so much sometimes! And the other half she is so simple.

ehh... i dont even know why i wrote this now. again, short term memory loss blows. I start to write and i write it, then i just think "why was i even writing this? do i really need help?" But its too late to turn back, because i already wrote too much. So i am just going to post this before i lose my train of thought!

Friends

Ok... i have some friend trouble, and just need some advice.

So a little history that you need to know before judging. In russia, and most of europe, there is a strong sense of brothership. This ultimatly lead to the mafia ect... It is a "you scratch my back, i stratch yours" society. Well, my group of friends are all from russia, and they are all cousins or brothers. There is a VERY strong sense of brothership that my friends share.

So, I started hanging out with them, and i feel quite honored because i am the first non-russian that really hangs with them. But, as things progress, and we become brothers almost, they get in my english class. So i have my friends in my english class, which is fun enough, until it comes times for papers. I write my own, barely, because english isnt my greatest class. Then, i get calls or have them come over and say they need help with theirs. This is understandable because they are getting graded on their 4th language the way that americans are getting graded on their first. So, now it is 10:30, and my friend just called and said that he needs me to write the paper to hand in tomorrow.

Ok, before you say that they are taking advantage of me, i feel kind of bad. For one, i know if i dont help them, they will fail and have to repeat high school, when their only dream is to return to russia and get out of here. And secondly, every time (not very often) that i ask them a favor, it is granted. I called my friend 2 weeks ago and said i needed to borrow his car, so he drives over and gives me the keys to an 2008 50,000 dollar bmw.... And even though i appriciate it, i still feel like i just cant take this! I have my own papers to write, my own crap i am dealing with, and they call last min and say if i dont do it they will fail.

Am i exagerating or is this a little unfair?

Rosa part two

Ok, so for anyone who has followed the story, the road with my girlfriend has been a hard one, but i love it anyway. She was really upset tonight about her medical stuff (there is alot to worry about...), so she just was worrying that it would be hard for me to love her with all of this stuff...

So, as many of you know, i get her a rose every friday. So i didnt have any money tonight... which was really bad. So i called all my friends, and none of them picked up. Finally i got a hold of one of them, and he said he only had twenty bucks. I said ill take it, so i drive 10 min to his house, get the money, then drive another 10 min to the store. I run into the store and its about to close, so i run in and am looking through all these rings. I found one that was really cute, and it just said "forever" on it... So i bought it, for 17 bucks (i know, i am cheap), and then drove to another store. I ran inside as they were closing, and found this beaautiful rose, for 2.99. I was so happy, because it just worked out so well! And every time i have a penny left over, i always throw it in the street because i hope it will make someones day lucky. So in the end, it cost me exactly 20 dollars!! So i put the rose through the ring, and left it on her window. And i just called her and told her to open her window and look at the stars, because they are beautiful tonight. And thats about it. Apparently her friends were over and they all loved it. So my mission to make her smile today was successfull!

Just thought i would share that. Because its really hard to not share my joy with someone!

and for a little help... saturday is our aniversary, so i told her i would make it french themed. (i told her stupidly before i had anything planned!) So i got a bottle of french wine, and want to go out to a nice french restuarant. But the thing is, in the US of A we are underage... so i need a restuarant that is bring your own bottle. So i need to know if they would card us at all... Any ideas? Thanks!